Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
For a movie made in 1944, the exploitation cheapie I Accuse My Parents boasts a very modern message: “It’s everyone’s fault but mine.” I wouldn’t be surprised if the Menendez brothers studied it in preparing their defense. The film opens in the courtroom where Jimmy Wilson stands accused of manslaughter. As he explains to the judge, it’s really mom and dad who are to blame.
The story unfolds as Jimmy’s flashback – even the parts of it he wasn’t present for and thus couldn’t possibly remember. It starts on a high note, as Jimmy wins his high school essay contest. He seems surprised by this turn of events, even though he appears to have at least 15 years on his classmates – plenty of time to have honed his writing craft. Seriously, the IMDb doesn’t provide the date of birth for actor Robert Lowell, who plays Jimmy, but the guy had to be pushing 30 at least. So it’s just a little difficult to get worked up over the horrors of his troubling home life. For instance, we are informed that Jimmy sometimes has to get his own breakfast before school. Imagine, if you dare, the trauma of pouring your own bowl of Frankenberries. I think we can agree this is a shocking state of affairs, but that’s only the beginning!
Jimmy comes home to find empty booze bottles scattered on the floor, overturned ashtrays and a note from mom telling him that she’s running late and there’s ten bucks for him in the drawer. Later Dad slips him a fiver for winning the essay contest. These are 1944 dollars, remember. Jimmy should be able to buy himself a car and get the fuck out of town if he’s really so miserable, but honestly, what’s the problem? This schmuck can’t amuse himself for an hour or so after school, particularly when the hot-to-trot neighbor lady is always dropping by for a drink? It’s about now that we begin to speculate Jimmy may be a little “slow.”
That impression only grows stronger after Jimmy starts dating a nightclub singer and working for her boss Mr. Blake, a shady character who’s always slipping him envelopes to deliver in dark alleys. It never occurs to Jimmy that he’s doing anything illegal until he happens to be the wheelman for a robbery gone awry, in the course of which a night watchman is shot. Jimmy then accidentally kills one of Mr. Blake’s goons during a confrontation and flees, finding comfort in a greasy spoon from the saintly cook who offers him a job and a place to stay. Jimmy turns himself in to the law, but after hearing this gruesome tale of domestic abuse, what judge wouldn’t let him off with probation?
If unintentional laughs at wrongheaded message pictures are your bag, then by all means hunt down I Accuse My Parents. But rest assured that nobody has gone through the trouble of lovingly restoring the film digitally; the print I saw looked like someone had been using it as a clothesline for 50 years. Most disturbing of all is this title card during the end credits: “The picture you have just seen will be shown in combat areas overseas with the compliments of the American Motion Picture Industry.” Haven’t our boys in battle suffered enough?
Previously on Unwatchable:
93. Howling III: The Marsupials
94. Invasion of the Neptune Men
95. Marci X
96. Track of the Moon Beast
97. Bolero