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Ashton Kutcher Wins

Posted by Jake Kalish

 

The Church of Kutcher now has one million followers...

Ashton Kutcher has beaten CNN's live news feed (and Britney Spears) in the race to one million followers on Twitter. Kelso from That 70's Show defeated the news, with help from Demi Moore's ass. We told you how we felt about this race a couple days back, and those feelings haven't changed. It's still omphaloskepsis, even if a million people are, for whatever reason, also contemplating your navel.

Still, the good news is charities are benefiting from all this wasted time:

Ashton threw down the gauntlet to CNN this week, promising to donate 10,000 mosquito bed nets to charity for World Malaria Day if he won and 1,000 if he lost. CNN, which is owned by Ted Turner, agreed to do the same.

Ironically, Ashton Kutcher found out about World Malaria Day by reading CNN's live news feed on Twitter. Kidding. Blecccch. So what does this all mean, Ashton?

'This just shows how people want to get information. It is about us. It means that one man can have a voice as loud as a media network.'

Oh Dear God, we hope that's not what it means. Because if people want to get information by checking in with Ashton Kutcher, we're all in real bad shape. 

PREVIOUSLY:

Twitter: It's CNN, Britney Spears, And Ashton Kutcher In A Race To 1 Million Followers

Modern Stalking: Man Breaks Into Tila Tequila's House And Twitter Account

Today In TV Twits: Ashton Kutcher Twitters Demi Moore's Ass

HS Football Coach Ashton Kutcher: Because It's Not Like He's Busy Or Anything


 


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About Jake Kalish

Jake Kalish is the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights https://www.amazon.com/Santa-vs-Satan-Compendium-Imaginary/dp/0307406709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1208807460&sr=8-1

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Bryan Christian has worked as a writer for Epicurious, GenArt and ID magazine; a web producer for WWD and Condé Nast; and a cameraman for his friends. He's married with roommate and lives in Clinton Hill, Brooklyn.

Lindy Parker has worked as a ghostwriter, editor, dance instructor and a purveyor of dreams, one beer at a time. She loves Charles Dickens and Gabriel Garcia Marquez and also, straight-to-video releases with Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. It's possible she reads more teen fiction than she should. She hails from Los Angeles, her hometown and soul mate, but she lives in Brooklyn, the fling she'll never forget.

Olivia Purnell left Ohio for sunny Los Angeles; then found that she couldn’t ignore New York City’s call, and brought herself to Brooklyn where she has worked with GenArt, BlackBook, the School of American Ballet, and finished an M.A. in Creative Writing from N.Y.U. She loves one-liners with sting and hates the stench of the subway in the summer. That said, she can’t get enough of either.

Jake Kalish is a freelance journalist and humorist whose work has appeared in Details, Maxim, Stuff, New York Press, Spin, Blender, Men's Fitness, Poets and Writers, and Playboy, among other publications. He is also the author of Santa vs. Satan: The Official Compendium of Imaginary Fights.

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Ben Kallen is an entertainment, health and humor writer who's been lectured to by Sidney Poitier, argued with by Lea Thompson and smiled at by Jennifer Connelly. He's the coauthor of The No S Diet and author of The Year in Weird, along with hundreds of magazine articles. He lives near the beach in Los Angeles, just like the gang from Three's Company.

Nicole Ankowski has lived in Ohio, Oakland, and on the high plains of South Dakota, but is now proud to call Brooklyn home. She wrote for alternative weekly papers in the first two states, and tried to learn Lakota in the last. (The vowels can be tricky.) She just earned her MFA in Creative Writing and has been published in Beeswax literary journal. She is unable to resist good writing or bad TV.

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