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Up All Night: Nightmare Creatures

Posted by John Constantine

Welcome back to Up All Night, FPSers! I’m your host, John Constantine, and tonight we have a ghoouuulish delight for your playing pleasure. So we’re clear, by ghoulish delight, I actually mean a game of trashy, garbage-like, and horrendous quality. We’re looking at a game so delectably bad that my mouth is actually watering in anticipation of it foul flavors. Our subject is the best-forgotten hack-and-slasher, Nightmare Creatures. Unlike many other Up All Night candidates, Nightmare Creatures has a discernable plot. Back in 1666 – a year which would undoubtedly be more infernal if not for that pesky “1” - the Satan-worshipping Brotherhood of the Hecate make some evil monsters and fail to take over the world. It’s not especially clear why; monsters are useful for world domination. In 1834, Adam Crowley is the new leader of a resurrected brotherhood, and he makes a bunch of new evil monsters that could, arguably, be called nightmare creatures. Enjoy this narration for more!



You play as Ignatius Blackward (some dude with a stick) or Nadia Francisus (a lady with impossibly square bosoms) in merry Londontown. Your mission: to kick the shit out of Crowley and dismember many monsters. These monsters include werewolves with snouts that look like hoagies:



And some, uh, thing with legs and heads coming out of its torso:



You also fight some zombies who look like they were probably doctors. And some tentacles. I never managed to get very far in Nightmare Creatures. Not for lack of trying. I most certainly attempted to play it. However, after handily dispatching Dr. Zombie and his peers in the early levels, the game becomes impossible. Enemies murder you in seconds and falling in the Thames, an inevitable occurrence when your character handles like a balloon full of helium and marbles, kills you instantly. Heroes in 1834 had but one weakness: crap swimming skills. Nightmare Creatures is easily one of the worst games I have ever played. And I love it.


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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