Welcome back to Up All Night, FPSers! I’m your host, John Constantine, and tonight we have a ghoouuulish delight for your playing pleasure. So we’re clear, by ghoulish delight, I actually mean a game of trashy, garbage-like, and horrendous quality. We’re looking at a game so delectably bad that my mouth is actually watering in anticipation of it foul flavors. Our subject is the best-forgotten hack-and-slasher, Nightmare Creatures. Unlike many other Up All Night candidates, Nightmare Creatures has a discernable plot. Back in 1666 – a year which would undoubtedly be more infernal if not for that pesky “1” - the Satan-worshipping Brotherhood of the Hecate make some evil monsters and fail to take over the world. It’s not especially clear why; monsters are useful for world domination. In 1834, Adam Crowley is the new leader of a resurrected brotherhood, and he makes a bunch of new evil monsters that could, arguably, be called nightmare creatures. Enjoy this narration for more!
You play as Ignatius Blackward (some dude with a stick) or Nadia Francisus (a lady with impossibly square bosoms) in merry Londontown. Your mission: to kick the shit out of Crowley and dismember many monsters. These monsters include werewolves with snouts that look like hoagies:
And some, uh, thing with legs and heads coming out of its torso:
You also fight some zombies who look like they were probably doctors. And some tentacles. I never managed to get very far in Nightmare Creatures. Not for lack of trying. I most certainly attempted to play it. However, after handily dispatching Dr. Zombie and his peers in the early levels, the game becomes impossible. Enemies murder you in seconds and falling in the Thames, an inevitable occurrence when your character handles like a balloon full of helium and marbles, kills you instantly. Heroes in 1834 had but one weakness: crap swimming skills. Nightmare Creatures is easily one of the worst games I have ever played. And I love it.