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  • One Girl's Ancient Struggle Against Bad Games

    It's pretty cool these days for girls to stand up and say, “I'm a gamer!” Bonus admiration is issued if they do it with only half their clothes on, but male gamers are usually just happy to know we walk amongst their ranks. Game companies are definitely happy about us, because we spend money on everything from puppy sims to big games with big guns.

    I'll let you in on a little secret. Girls have always liked games. What's different is that developers, game publications and marketing divisions are making an effort to let us know what's going on in the industry. Young females are being encouraged to try a little bit of everything and settle down into something they love, whether it's ponies or blowing someone's brains onto the ceiling. I'm glad, because I remember how awkward it was to be a girl gamer during those crucial years when I cared about what other people thought of me.

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  • I Appreciate You, Game Boy

    It's the Game Boy's 20th anniversary, and I feel like I ought to honour the little white brick. Problem is, I have no idea what I can say that hasn't already been said. Writing all my good feelings towards the ancient Nintendo handheld that served as a springboard for the portable consoles I love today feels awkward, like writing a letter to a friend who's bailed you out of jail. Game Boy, I want to say “thanks” to you...but the thought of doing it makes me blush and squirm. There just aren't any suitable words for how much I care about you. I'll take you out for beers.

    The Game Boy vaulted me into “real” gaming; it was my first console after the Colecovision/Atari 2600 Frankenstein that introduced me to gaming, but didn't necessarily make me fall in love with the pastime. Sure, I had previously been mystified by Super Mario Bros, but I wouldn't own an NES until late in the system's life. It was games like Super Mario Land, Double Dragon and Final Fantasy Legend taught me that video games could have form and structure; they could be more than a score-counter. They could have goals, and tell stories.

    When I managed to separate my mother from Tetris, of course.

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  • What's in my MP3 Player: LetThereBeLight, a Mega Man 4 OC Remix

    Line up to revoke any good feelings you have about me, because I think that Mega Man 4's soundtrack is better than Mega Man 2's.

    ”Oh my God Nadia how can you embarrass yourself like this?”

    Though I thoroughly believe Mega Man 2 deserves its pedestal in the hearts of the people, I actually don't have the same nostalgic attachment to the title as other Mega Man fans. My first game was Mega Man 3, which I followed up with Mega Man 4. Mega Man 4's gameplay isn't exceptionally good, but the graphics and soundtrack are among the NES' best.

    ”So you say, but you still sound like you were dropped on your head as a baby and dragged away by a dog, poor wee child.”

    Maybe so, but if you give the soundtrack a good listen, you can hear an attempt to go somewhere different. Dustman's stage is far beyond Mega Man's usual rock n roll du jour; it's a subdued tune, quite melancholy, that brings you back to those rainy days you spent indoors with your NES.

    It also gave rise to the greatest OC Remix of all time.

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  • Shadow of the Colossus: First Blood

    This weekend, I did a bit of shopping, visited my parents, and destroyed two idols the size of skyscrapers. Yes, I have drawn my first blood (or some kind of black ichor, anyway) from Shadow of the Colossus, and it's been as much fun as a naked pagan dance.

    My previous assessment of the first Colossi battle was a little off. The first Colossi battle is a tutorial battle—of sorts. It's just not a very easy one. You're expected to learn and perfect the basics of climbing, stabbing, and shimmying. Otherwise you don't stand a chance against the second Colossi, which is three times as large as the first and has twice as many hooves to flatten you with. The sink-or-swim approach of Wander's first real fight is a clever way to bypass modern gaming's overzealous hand-holding, though it took me a while to realise I would get better if I tried. I was just initially scared to keep trying.

    I'm not even sure why I harboured that fear. Who was going to laugh at me for my failures? The shadowy Gods flitting near the ceiling of the Temple of Worship? Wander, who wouldn't change his facial expression if you dropped a cinder block on his foot? Agro? Wander's dead girlfriend/wife? I eventually realised I was being silly, and took up the controller again.

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  • Gaming for Two: Animal Crossing's Turf Wars

    I've been playing a lot of Animal Crossing: City Folk lately. Now, this doesn't mean I'm not angry with Nintendo for essentially dumping Wild World on the Wii with the halfhearted effort of a child making sand-pail towers at the beach. I, uh, just wanted to do the honest thing and pay off my mortgage.

    But good intentions pave the road to Hell, and my return to the 'hood wasn't peaceful for long. I'm embroiled in a turf war with my husband, who controls the north side of Onett. I pimp my fruit trees in the south side, near the shore. Tilling foreign fruits will literally grow an orchard of money trees.

    My husband doesn't see it that way, and he's already warned me that those damn trees had better not start creeping northward. He pretends he doesn't want my precious money trees, but I know otherwise. Now I'm vigilant whenever I hear him play the game.

    “Are any of my trees in bloom?” I call from the other room.

    He says, “Yeah, some oranges.”

    “Don't you touch them.”

    “I'm not going to touch your goddamn fruit.”

    “You'd better not. I have connections. Nook hires out more than contracting.”

    I expect my connections with Nook will dissolve soon. Probably violently. I took out ad space on the town's bulletin board to announce that he'll lick peanut butter off any body part it's applied to.

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  • WTFriday: Death Race Mario Kart

    We all count on Mackey's WTFridays to ease us into the weekend like, um...sorry, I can't think of any metaphors that are worthy of readers long done with elementary school. I will say that the only thing better than one WTFriday is two WTFridays.

    I've never seen Death Race 2000, though it strikes me as the ultimate testosterone high: fast cars, women, violent death traps, do-or-die competition. I also know it scared the Jesus out of Roger Ebert back in 1975, and he was convinced the children(!!) sitting in the theatre watching the movie with him were going to overturn America with fire. Turned out we didn't; that would have cut into valuable Nintendo time.

    Now, nearly 35 years later, the once-shocking Death Race 2000 is considered about as violent as a rainbow compared to what's in theatres today. Should we study this film as a noteable plateau in a medium that's ever-escalating to irrevocable levels of bloodshed and violence? Or should we add Mario Kart sound effects to the footage and laugh?

    Duh. Mario Kart is always the answer.

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  • Come Back and Save the President, Zany Video Game Quotes

    The Internet isn't short on game-related humour. At every turn on the information highway (do the kids still call it that?), you'll find a comic artist who's only too willing to remind you that Princess Peach is frigid, and Mario is a sexually repressed mess because of it.

    While that joke assuredly never gets old, I miss an old haunt that delivered game humour in its rawest form: Zany Video Game Quotes. Most game dialect still has a long climb before it's considered anything close to “respectable,” but today's games rarely deliver something completely baffling on the journey from Japan to your suburban American living room. The 8- and- 16-bit eras were something else entirely.

    Zany Video Game Quotes is a storehouse of one-liners and truth: you can tell your kids all about A Winner Is You, or Dodongo Dislikes Smoke, but without proof they'll be like, “Nintendo games never said that! I hate you, Mom!”

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  • Freaktastic Fanart: Mother 3 Models

    The fan made Mother 3 handbook is much gabbed-about for a reason. It is, without a doubt, the best way you'll spend $20. Outside of buying a fluffy new kitten. A grey one. With white socks.

    The guide, put together by good-hearted people at Fangamer.net, Starmen.net, and possibly God, draws major inspiration from the Earthbound player's guide that came packed in with the ill-fated RPG when Nintendo localized it for American audiences. It's funny, it's thorough, it's well-written, and its pages are dotted with custom clay character models. The handbook is recorded proof that fans can come together to produce something beyond pornographic fanfiction or seventy-page arguments about who could reach the sun faster, Goku or Superman?

    The clay figurines photographed in the handbook are by Arizona artist Camille Young. Young shows off some of her most impressive pieces in a blog post, including the Mecha-Drago, the Ultimate Chimera, the N.K. Cyborg, and, of course, Porky the sadist man-child.

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  • Columbine Revisited: It Was Never About the Games

    Ten years after the Columbine shootings, violent video games have been cleared of blame for the massacre. All things considered, it's hardly an event worth breaking out the champagne for.

    At the same time, even though I don't feel smug or vindicated in the least, I'm baffled that anyone would believe that two kids driven to such astronomical levels of violence would be inspired by the silly spurts and canned screams of video games. An article by USA Today revealed the twisted motivations of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, finally cobbled together through years of studying diary entries, emails, and witness testimonies. Harris and Klebold had initially planned to blow up Columbine High School—and the man they were imitating in reverence was Tim McVeigh, not Bomberman.

    Society has long been wary of video games and the dashing ladies and gentlemen who play them, but the Columbine incident truly demonised the pastime thanks to seemingly fabricated reports that Harris and Klebold loved Doom. I remember reading that and thinking, all the way back in 1999, “Who plays Doom anymore?” Doom is fun and fully deserves its accolades, but it still makes me dizzy to even think that an ancient computer game could be blamed for such a tragic act of violence. Not because I'm worried about what strangers think about my favourite hobby, but because I am a sensible, sane person like 99.7% of gamers out there.

    People who become depressed or angry enough to kill fellow human beings are thinking in a twisted, hellish realm that's thankfully closed off to most of us. Though outside factors—any outside factor—can trigger a final, deadly explosion, the problem lies with the damaged machinery itself.

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  • FMV Heaven: Panzer Dragoon's Opening Theatrics

    As far as I'm concerned, nobody has the right to laugh at you if you picked the Sega Saturn as your horse in the 32-bit console race. The Saturn was home to Panzer Dragoon, a series that wholly deserves to be thriving today. Unfortunately, even the memory of Sega's dragon-shooter is filmy; though game nostalgia is big business, Panzer Dragoon games have not haunted us beyond a weak attempt here and there, and we're sadder for it.

    3D games in the 32/64-bit era tended to be afflicted with the Uglies. It was an awkward, transitional phase for gaming that was worsened by developers who fought against console limitations instead of working with them.

    Panzer Dragoon worked with the Saturn's limitations. The shooter's visuals might not be as impressive as they once were, but there's no mistaking the care taken with the art direction, especially in the opening cutscene (thanks in part to creative contributions made by French artist Moebius, whose Arzach comic series served as the main inspiration for Panzer Dragoon's arid, rocky world).

    The game's opening cinema doesn't burden the player with much in the way of text beyond a brief summary of events. Despite the brevity and the relative blandness of the character models (intentionally dull colours, low polygon count and textures, jerky movements), the hostility and danger of the environment is conveyed perfectly. Early in the cinema, a friend of the hero's is picked off by a scuttling crustacean with a large stinger. The hero chases the sand-crab into some ruins, where it's quickly preyed upon by a much bigger, even deadlier shelled beast. But within seconds, that monster is slain in the crossfire of a dragon fight, which is merely one far-reaching tentacle of a world-consuming war.

    “No,” Panzer Dragoon says to the player, “the world you're about to explore is not pro-human.”

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  • I Don't Think I Missed Much: Beyond Oasis

    Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection has proved invaluable in helping me patch the gaming gaps inflicted by my childhood loyalty to Nintendo. Aside from suffering at the hands of Altered Beast, I've been working my way through Beyond Oasis.

    Beyond Oasis is an action-RPG that was released in 1995, a particularly rich vein of gaming history. Its top-down sword-swinging action is most often compared to The Legend of Zelda, though the large sprites, interchangeable weapons and focus on fighting over puzzle-solving remind me more of Secret of Mana.

    With Secret of Mana being one of my very favourite instruments of torture video games, you would think that I'd latch right on to the Sega Genesis alternative about an Arabian boy with blue eyes and blonde hair. Alas, it has just not been so. Beyond Oasis works well as a distraction to pick at while waiting for my potatoes to boil, but something about it feels hollow. It feels strange to make this discovery, because I spent a lot of energy pretending not to care when the first big, beautiful screenshots of Beyond Oasis hit game magazines.

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  • Wrestlemania, Botched Flips, and Game Music: Three Great Tastes

    I have a passing familiarity with the men and ladies of the WWE. I don't follow wrestling with any regularity; tonight, my husband is flipping out over the Draft, and I'm content to sit here, type, and insert an “Uh huh” whenever he pauses (he doesn't often).

    But even I can appreciate the high-flying antics of Wrestlemania, and I did in fact sit through all of Wrestlemania 25 earlier this month (I also attended the event live when Wrestlemania 18 came to Toronto).

    I had fun. What's better than Wrestlemania? Wrestlemania bloopers. What's better than Wrestlemania bloopers? Video footage of said screw-ups (plus other iconic moments) with video game music sprinkled throughout.

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  • Unsolicited Scares: St Eva from Breath of Fire II Loves You Thiiis Much

    Circumstances beyond my control got me thinking the other day about Breath of Fire II, Capcom's SNES RPG for totally buff men (unless the US box art is lying to me). Breath of Fire II was my first experience with a God-slaying JRPG, and it stuck with me for a few reasons. Reason one: it nearly made me crap my pants.

    Every good Messiah hunt includes a foray into the Master's den of cultists, and Breath of Fire predictably sends the hero Ryu and his pals into the heart of St Eva's town towards the end of the game. St Eva is God, but he's not benevolent. What a twist!

    The story makes it obvious that St Eva stinks of corruption and rancid food (flowing robes are catch-alls for cheese and salsa drippings), so Ryu is a bit put off when he walks into St Eva's town and finds it a bustling, happy place. Revelers comment on the beautiful weather, the lame can walk, the blind can see, and every dog has a wagging tail.

    Ryu thinks, “Well, maybe I had this Eva fellow pegged wrong,” and decides he needs to reconsider his options. He exits the town--

    --and finds himself back inside the town gates.

    Suddenly, the warm air is icy, and the friendly townspeople have transformed into cackling, shambling husks. I'm making the event sound especially chilly because it had a personal effect on me. See, there was this time I was in a death cult, and—just kidding. But there is a specific reason I never, ever forgot my trip to St Eva's Land.

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  • FMV Hell: Mystic Midway: Phantom Express

    I'm saddened by the sight of bare-footed orphans selling cast-away cigarette butts for a few pennies, but I'm devastated by the over-eager acting that accompanies some game FMVs. It wasn't so bad in the Playstation era: most of the voiceovers for early anime cutscenes deserved to be ridiculed, and at least the “actors” got to live in infamy.

    But for a mercifully short time, gamers were infatuated with turtle-paced CD games that featured real actors, and not just a voice transplanted to a flapping mouth. These are the games that lived and died on the Sega CD and CD-i. Most FMV-based games were as much fun as sitting on an upright knife, but sometimes you have to look at the actors and think, “God bless them. They tried so hard, but to what avail?”

    Mystic Midway: Phantom Express is an on-rails shooter for the CD-i that stars an unapologetically sarcastic carnival barker. The barker heckles you mercilessly, opening the game with a joke he cribbed from the tuff grade two kids who hogged the sand pits at recess: ”I was just reading the most hilarious story! It's called...YOUR LIFE!”

    If you have at least one eye and/or one ear, you should be able to surmise why this guy's drama major probably never found use beyond a bottom-feeder game console. Still, he throws so much into the whole performance that just want to stand there and take his jabs. Yes, yes, my life is pitiful and my memory swarms with chilling instances of abuse and neglect. Shhh. It's okay. Go to sleep now.

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  • Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5

    Every generation is required to pity the subsequent generation for something, whether it's a degrading environmental situation, poor schools, or the belief that people are now lying, thieving jerks for the first time in humanity's history. I have my fits of nostalgia (obviously, since I can't stop gabbing about retro games), but I'm pretty content to leave the past in the past.

    One exception: my generation had awesome Muppets. The new generation? Ehhh...not so much. Don't bother arguing unless you want to humiliate yourself by holding up Elmo's senseless baby-babble against the Muppet Show (isn't Elmo supposed to be a role model for children forming their first sentences?).

    Thankfully, some resourceful and artistic gamers have put together a project that restores the Muppets to their former fuzzy glory: Jim Henson's Resident Evil 5. Because you can't send a man to do a Muppet's work.

    Video after the jump.

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  • Shadow of the Colossus: First Impressions

    Fear not. Shadow of the Colossus is a pretty epic title, but I won't run to the computer and bang out a report every time I actually get Agro to run in the direction I want him to—though if you ask me, that's an accomplishment in itself. First impressions are fun to read, though, so I will accommodate the good readers of 61FPS.

    It probably won't surprise you when I say the presentation in this game is absolutely gorgeous. I usually give an opening cinematic ten seconds to please me before I mash the Start button, but when I sat back and watched Wander's ponderous but purposeful journey to the Temple, I felt something familiar pull at me. Like I was watching a favourite sequence from a well-loved movie. Various flashes of imagery and sound in this game already remind me of The Neverending Story, a book that never fails to instill me with a sense of solemn adventure despite multiple readings.

    Doubtlessly you already know that Shadow of the Colossus features a quiet, calming atmosphere that stands to be butchered by Hollywood, so I'll talk a bit about how it plays. What you need to know: this game is creaming me.

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  • I Will Defeat You, Altered Beast

    It took a while for the Sega Genesis to peel kids' grimy fingers off their NES controllers. The NES had Castlevania, Mega Man, Ninja Gaiden and its pantheon of Mario games. The Genesis had, well, Altered Beast.

    Every time I play Altered Beast, I use explicatives I never new existed in my inner dictionary. “F this game! F its mom! Grrr! No wonder nobody liked the Genesis until Sonic the Hedgehog!

    Kids, can you point out what's wrong with that previous paragraph? Hint: ”Every time I play Altered Beast...”

    I can't even give you a count of how many years I've been trying to beat Sega's classic. My efforts have doubled since I acquired Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection for the Xbox 360, but no dice. Incidentally, I have beaten the arcade version, also included on the Genesis Collection—but that's with the aid of unlimited and accessible continues. On my honour, I will finish Altered Beast on the Genesis with no cheats. This will surely please God more than contributing food or hours of boring volunteer services to the needy.

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  • Time For Me To Play Shadow of the Colossus

    From the Department of “Oh God, Why?” comes word of a Shadow of the Colossus movie. Hollywood has yet to get a game movie right, and there's no immediate reason to decide that the movie based on this Playstation 2 masterpiece will be any different. In fact, Justin Marks, the talented hero responsible for Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li will be penning the script. May as well hunker down in the fallout shelter with your Civil Defence helmet pulled over your head. Feel free to sigh: that weary, defeated feeling that comes with most game movie announcements is no doubt familiar by now.

    What's especially sad is that a Shadow of the Colossus movie truly stands to be a heartbreaking waste of the source material. It's a game that thrives on its sparse atmosphere and quiet but riveting heroics. Sadly, Hollywood requires by law for action movies to waste approximately five words per second, and God only knows how it classifies video game movies. I suspect the categorization involves a filing cabinet marked “FOR AUTISTICS.” The Shadow of the Colossus movie is likely going to be very loud and it might contain jokes about horse boners.

    Admittedly, I am talking partially out of my bum. I have never played Shadow of the Colossus, but reading this dire news has driven me to bloody well start.

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  • Cracked: What If Game Characters Could Switch Games?

     

    Someone at Cracked wondered, “What if video game characters could switch games?” A thousand monkeys opened a thousand copies of Photoshop and began to dream.

    Not all of the entries are winners—well, obviously, only one entry could be a winner—but there is definitely imagination at work here, and imagination is the very best nation of all.

    However you look at it, this kind of project is far preferable to yet another ROM hack featuring Mega Man shooting Shyguys in Subcon.

    Enjoy!

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  • Comfort Through Gaming: Accomplishing Anything in SimEarth

    A New Yorker article published in 2006 quoted Will Wright as being an advocate of the Montessori method of teaching. Wright argues that kids given sufficient materials and left to their own devices will educate themselves far more thoroughly than any structured program.

    SimCity was apparently born from the legendary game designer's love for self-discovery:

    ”SimCity comes right out of Montessori—if you give people this model for building cities, they will abstract from it principles of urban design.”

    Which is a valid point of view if you're a genius like Wright, but the average SimCity player is eventually just going to write “PENIS” with railroad tracks before giving up, Montessori education or no Montessori education.

    I am very much an average Sim player. I did well enough with SimCity for the Super Nintendo and (gasp) Commodore 64. When I picked up SimEarth for the SNES (developed by FCI instead of Maxis), I expected the game to merely be a global re-imagining of SimCity, intuitive and easy to jump into. Instead, I was met with something almost completely different that required a bit more book learning than “Commercial zones do really well next to residential zones.” SimEarth is full of controls, dials, variables, and there is little graphic reward: you won't see massive cities bristle from the wilds as civilisation progresses, and full-scale nuclear war is disappointingly toothless. Yet, something about the SNES installment of the earth simulator is laid-back to the point of being almost therapeutic. I never developed my totalitarian Tyrannosaurus Rex empire because I largely had no idea what I was doing, but I was content to try over and over.

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  • Actraiser Is Overdue for a Resurrection

    We live in an age where game developers see fit to upgrade old classics. Some gamers think they've gone to hell for their sins, but I think we're chin-deep in good times. If nothing else, I can hold on to a slim hope that Square-Enix will revise Actraiser for modern consoles and put it up for sale on XLBA or WiiWare.

    Why Actraiser? Good God, why the hell not. I was playing it just last month (my husband had never seen it) and it was such a comfortable, refreshing experience. The frequent switches between action stages and the development of civilisation keep any one thing about the game from getting stale. The graphics are good—that ice wyvern boss is still impressive—and the music is sublime.

    Also, you are God. Take that, '90s furry mascots of the game world.

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  • Why Were Game Magazines So Cruel to Earthbound?

     

    Earthbound Central has been collecting old magazine reviews for Earthbound, circa Summer 1995. Thus far, the stable includes Gamepro, Game Players, EGM, and most recently, Video Games & Computer Entertainment.

    I recently blamed Gamepro for destroying any interest my fifteen-year-old self had in Earthbound, as I well should: their review was wretched. But having looked back at Earthbound Central's library of horror, I've come to realise that Gamepro is not exclusively to blame for turning me off to Ness' adventure. American reviewers despised this poor game.

    EGM's John Gurka reserved a coveted place beside the Throne of God for mentioning that the storyline rivals that of Final Fantasy VI, but even he can't resist sniffing at the “Nintendo-era graphics.” Every other review sneers at the very same, berating Earthbound's lovingly put-together world as “childish,” “cutesy,” and “McDonald's Playland meets Bobby's World.”

    (So, which ultimately endeared itself to the world? Earthbound or Bobby's World?)

    Earthbound is looked upon as one of gaming history's least appreciated games. The farts-n-pizza ad campaign didn't help, but the reviewers of olde probably didn't have them in mind when they snapped off the game and started banging on the keyboard. Why did Earthbound get shafted in the first place?

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  • There Is Significance Behind Super Mario's Cosplay

    Life isn't much good at being fair, and it's terrible at baking cookies. But it's great with lessons on perspective, and Lord knows it excels at making you feel old.

    I thought I had young gamers figured out. I would sometimes stand in the Arrivals lobby of the airport and wait for a travel-weary grandma to shuffle in with outstretched arms. Once her grandson or granddaughter shrieked with recognition and charged, I'd stand between the two with a large poster of Mario. One hundred percent of the time, grandma was abandoned for a hug with the Mario poster.

    I conducted this experiment to determine how recognisable Mario actually is, and also because I like making grandmothers cry. In conclusion, Mario is easily pointed out by the very young and the very old, and everyone in between—but not every aspect of Mario's character is acknowledged universally.

    When we think of Mario, we think of a fat Italian guy who wears a hat and loves to bounce around saying, “Woo-hooo!” But Mario is more than a long-time Princess rescuer: he's also a master of shape-shifting. Every new adventure gives him some kind of alterform: a frog, a raccoon, a ghost, a Superman, etcetera, etcetera. Knowledge of these disguises and a twenty-second elevator ride taught me that just because Mario is so easy to point it in a crowd, it doesn't mean his image has remained consistent among gamers of all ages.

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  • The Kids Don't Get It: Sonic Epoch Advance and Misplaced Maturity

    I was talking with a friend earlier about one of fandom's most deplorable habits: forcing “maturation” upon the creative properties they supposedly love. One incident I will never be allowed to forget involved a “grown up” take on Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers. Gadget the mouse was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking. The art was fantastic, but again, Gadget was pregnant, and there was a lot of swearing, spitting and smoking.

    My friend asked me if I had heard of a Game Boy Advance project called Sonic Epoch Advance. I had not. I was about to be taken to exotic new places. Exotic, dark new places choked with oil, sludge, death and F-bombs.

    Sonic Epoch Advance is a chatty action game based on DiC's old Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon—often better known as “Sonic SatAM.” Sonic SatAM earned a reputation for being dark and mature. It really wasn't, though it was ambitious for a kids' cartoon based on a video game. The plot involved Robotnik's eco-terrorism and Sonic's battle against said eco-terrorism. All things said, Sonic Epoch Advance could have chosen worse source material to expand upon.

    Unfortunately, fans are pretty good at turning maturity into self-parody, and this little fan project is no exception.

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  • Sheng Long and The Ghost of April Fools' Past

    Guard your funnybone: tomorrow is April Fool's Day. It's the most wonderful time of the year to be a games writer, and the most aggravating time of the year to be a gamer.

    I've never actually participated in any kind of April Fool's joke. Despite my twisted, pulsating sense of humour, I've never been a fan of practical jokes. I can't stand crank calls, Punk'd, anything that derives a laugh from someone else's gobsmacked expression and/or explosive anger. Though, I have been the victim of crank calls that I felt stupidly honoured to be a part of (I worked in the grooming salon of a PetSmart a few years back and was asked if we sell unicorns. I told the caller to try Narnia).

    It's still a lot of fun to lean back and watch the gaming community try to out-ridiculous each other every April 1st. Even better, the tradition pre-dates the Internet-based fandom considerably: the infamous “Sheng Long” edition of EGM (published April 1992) probably wasn't the first instance of games writers indulging in spring jack-assery, but it was definitely the prank that launched a thousand imitators.

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  • Super Mario's Warp Whistle Mishap

    Observant players of Super Mario 3 (in other words, my brothers, not me) noticed that when Mario tooted on the Warp Whistle, he was whisked to “World 9.” World 9 is simply a portal to the eight worlds below it, sort of a Mario-style Wood Between the Worlds.

    But the universe is held together by more than a mere nine worlds. What would happen if Mario's attempt to warp went awry, and he ended up in a place that Homer Simpson once described as “the worst place of all?”

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  • Mega64 versus Metal Gear Solid 4's Dad

    Despite these tough times, the sun still rises, and those lovable scamps over at Mega64 are up to their old tricks. I think we'll all be okay.

    Mega64 was at GDC this year, because it's important for someone to get all up in the face of video games when they become Serious Business. Sometimes, though, Serious Business bites back. At 2007's GDC, the boys of Mega64 dressed as Mario and Luigi and frolicked through the city streets, harassing attendees and women on cellphones. Everything was fun and games until some guy named “Shee-guyo Me-a-photo” put his hands on his hips and beat down the party with a look that said, “Come on guys, plumbers and mustaches are not joke material.”

    Mega64 took the lesson to heart, but got a bit naughty again at 2009's GDC with a parody of Metal Gear Solid 4. Serious Business raised its solemn head once again, but this time the boys were running for their lives.

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  • Game Endings Out of Left Field: Chrono Trigger and the Dream Project

     

    I bought Chrono Trigger for the SNES from a game store merchant who called it “The game that never ends.” If only. There eventually came a time when I had in fact seen everything the game had to offer, and all that was left was to gnaw on its bones in a future search for Schala.

    Still, the beauty thing about Chrono Trigger is its lack of a cemented beginning, middle and end. Sure, it's a fairly linear adventure the first time you play through...but after you've taken in your fill of the Moonlight Parade, you're encouraged to slip away and explore Crono's world from as many angles as possible. Even making the tiniest changes in the time stream before taking down Lavos could result in a whole new game ending. Go up against Lavos before you're scheduled to fight Magus, and Frog will fight him one-on-one. Visit the spiky bastard after unlocking the door to the Mammon Machine, and listen to Marle and Lucca make lewd comments about Men Through The Ages.

    Then there's my personal favourite: finish the game before it even starts, and visit the development staff.

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  • Freaktastic Fanart: Join the Nintendo Fun Club, Little Mac!

    I've been able to count on Shmorky for violent and filthy comics for many fulfilling Internet years (1 Internet year = 0.965 human years). He's turned kittens into crack addicts and squirrels into chain-smoking maniacs, but my favourite thing in the world is when he makes video game characters say and do things they never would.

    Unless Yoshi really does have sex with his sister. He's not a talkative mount, and I think that's grounds for suspicion.

    The one problem with Shmorky's work (that's right, there is only one problem) is that he fails to archive it with any kind of consistency. He just draws and leaves, like a mama sea turtle shuffling away from her eggs, or a tomcat spraying a filthy alley wall before slinking after a female. So I have no idea how old this Punch-Out!! comic is, but Doc's dead stare probably gets funnier with age, anyway.

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  • Box Art Worth Remembering: Dragon Warrior III (NES)

    Gamers are a resourceful species. We play our games, and then sharpen our claws on the box art. This has been our way for decades. It's an old practise, rich with tradition. I mean...look at this stuff.

    North American box art has only recently stopped trying to hide the flavour of its innards. Anime character designs, for instance, were used very sparingly until the latter half of the PSOne's life. Instead, A-list titles like Castlevania: Symphony of the Night and Suikoden received jewel case covers that would have been well-suited for a “Count With the Count!” Sesame Street soundtrack, and an instructional CD on 108 ways to draw a generic hero.

    Regardless, I think some interesting design choices came out of that strange era. When box art illustrators put forth an effort, the end result was comparable in quality to the original Japanese work. One of my favourite examples is from a title that remains one of my all-time beloved: Dragon Warrior III for the NES.

    In 1991, Dragon Ball Z was still millions of years away from American audiences, thus rendering Akira Toriyama more or less nameless on this side of the pond. For Dragon Warrior III Enix of America chose a box design that was absent of any title characters—an interesting choice, given Dragon Warrior III's emphasis on character classes and large parties.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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