I wish I could tell you that I’ve gained some grand insight into the world of Pokémon. I have after all been wandering Sinnoh for just over a week now, clocking a little over seven hours. Things have not progressed much since I caught that Bidoof last Monday; I’ve been in some caves, gone to some other towns, kicked the crap out of some cult trying to give birth to a new universe. One guy made me talk to some clowns. Then he gave me a watch. It was freaking weird.
Pokémon is, pound for pound, the most violent game I’ve played pretty much ever. All you ever do is fight. The entire point of the game is fighting. There is literally nothing else you can do with the hundreds of little beasties you catch. You can give them fun names, dress them up with accessories, but all of it is in the name of making them beat the piss out of each other. Pokémon don’t kill though. The merely pound each other into exhaustion (which is really strange. It seems that none of them are predatory.) You see pokémon co-habiting and working — they are semi-sentient apparently — with other humans as you wander the land but you don’t get to engage in any of that. You can only fight. Every stranger you run into on the road? They will attack you. Sinnoh is a scary damn place.
As I enter my eighth hour, I am trying to find a bike. I’ve got to Lance Armstrong my way through some cave. Don’t ask. Join me and my team, The B.Beard All-Stars, as we look for the BMX of our dreams!
1:40pm – Just finished leveling GaryBuizel up to level 13. We’ve been in some mines fighting rock monsters and bats. She’s my Buizel.
1:44 – They All-Stars travelling with me at the moment are Lebowski the Geodude, Kulilin the Machop, GaryBuizel, The Artist Formerly Known as Shinx the Luxio, Stankonia the Staravia, and, of course, PeteGabril. Pete disproved intelligent design a couple of hours back when he transformed into a Monferno. He looks like someone remade The Warriors with monkeys. CAN YOU DIG IT!
1:50 – I’m currently trying to get from Jubilife City back to this crazy flower town filled with bug pokémon. I recently discovered that you can smear honey on trees to lure pokémon near them. How messed up is it that I’m tricking innocent beasts with sweet treats so I can shove them into balls I wear like jewelry?
1:55 – By the by, fishing is bullshit in Pokémon. All you ever catch is Magikarps. These guys are googly-eyed doofs that can’t do anything but take a punch until you’ve put them in a billion fights and then they turn into massive sea serpents. It’s indicative of how the game works as a whole; everything takes an enormous investment of time.
2:00 - I’ve left Floaroma Town again. Bought some honey, tried to get away from the creepy twins standing at the town gates.
Part 2