"Top __________ Whatevers" lists are the lifeblood of games journalism, so Gamepro's decision to squeeze out a roster of the Eight Worst Game Character Remakes is not surprising.
Some of the entries are pretty expected, too. Maskless Scorpion from Mortal Kombat 3 is a no-brainer, and I'm sure a few psychologists would have a field day analysing Bomberman's re-design for Bomberman: Act Zero.
I'm not as impressed with some of the other selections. In fact, their write-up for Tomb Raider's Lara Croft gave me a big frowny face. I'm afraid I'm going to have to be one of "those" women for a second.
From the feature:
"To prove that Tomb Raider's iconic female archaeologist is more than just a top heavy Englishwoman in hiking boots, the series' developers forced their lovely protagonist to undergo a drastic surgical procedure. In Tomb Raider Legend, Lara emerged equipped with what could be compared to tangerines in place of what was once more akin to honeydews. But the game was good, and that's all that matters... right?"
Oh yeah, of course.
I know games journalists (my lumbering self included) aren't exactly one tier away from writing for the New York Times, but come on. If you'll allow me to sound like a teenager for a second, how juvenile can you possibly get? Lara Croft II, despite her wasp-waist and perfect figure, looks like she might actually pass as a female member of the human race. Do you know what Lara would be doing if she was a real woman with PSOne-era barbell boobs? Not a whole lot, thanks to chronic back pain and shortness of breath.
Maybe I'm a poor judge of girls, but how could anyone find PSOne Lara Croft sexy compared to Tomb Raider Legend Lara? Are that many guys so desperately infatuated with breasts that they can't appreciate a well-rounded package (to say nothing of the fact that Lara II's eyes actually have the expression of a living thing and not a dead fish)? I don't know what to say except keep wishing hard enough and maybe science will genetically engineer a woman who's composed of ten tits protruding from a faceless orb.
I don't ask for much out of other people, but I like folks who try to remember that games are a hobby for both sexes.
Grr, snort, etc.
Related Links:
The Five Greatest Enhanced Remakes--And Five That Weren't So Great, Part 1
A Letter to the Industry: How To Destroy the Female Gender Barricade