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Dracula's Bad Day

On the Internet, there is a man named Kajetokun. Kajetokun brought us videos like Over 9000 and Gutsman's Ass, so you may have already decided you hate him, even if you weren't familiar with his name.

Since hate doesn't tend to slow down the contributions of the creatively insane, Kajetokun has posted another something on YouTube. It's A Day in Dracula's Life. In fact, it's the only day in Dracula's Life. No sooner is Dracula resurrected by the dark priest Shaft than his delicious pot roast dinner is interrupted by the arrival of Richter Ballmont.

What follows is a lot of cursing and stuffing of meat and money into candles and lanterns.

Wasted Rentals, Wasted Youth: Bram Stoker's Dracula (SNES)

The Angry Videogame Nerd has posted a Halloween Game Shitfest just in time for Satan's birthday. The first installment focuses on all the bad Dracula-themed games spanning back to the beginning of time. Turns out there are a good number of Dracula-bombs out there, and we're not even counting any of the lesser Castlevania titles.

Angry Nerd even takes a brief look at Bram Stoker's Dracula, which saw release on the NES, SNES and the Game Boy. I kind of feel like cringing into a ball and sucking my thumb when I say this, but I've played Bram Stoker's Dracula on the SNES and Gameboy. The experience was like biting a hangnail; oh so painful, but enjoyable in a masochistic way.

Hark! A flashback!

Most weeks, my parents allowed my brothers and I to rent a video game. We had to take turns, and my younger brother picked out Bram Stoker's Dracula one week. I wanted to throttle him.

The logical thing to do when a shit game is in your presence is to not play it, but I had kind of an obsession thing going on. Nintendo game in front of me? OMG, must play, no matter how painful. Actually, maybe there was a bit of a spite thing going on here, though all of this might have something to do with my childhood love for eating the syrup-covered styrofoam that used to line packages of butter tarts.

What Is a Man? More Than a 4Chan Meme

Konami will never live down the original translation afflicted upon Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. It tried to atone for past sins by re-doing the voicework for SOTN in Dracula X Chronicles for the PSP. It was a fine attempt, but a worthless gesture overall; you can't erase the past. I can't deny the fact I'm descended from sheep thieves and Konami can't deny Dracula's infamous riddle to Richter Belmont. "What is a man?" (I don't know Dracula, what is a man?) "A miserable little pile of secrets!"

I hang out and make trouble at Gamespite because sometimes I learn something new. Today, for example, I learned through a fellow forum comrade named eirikr that Dracula's riddle is not his own. It was, in fact, lifted from a French author named Andre Malraux. Interestingly, Malraux was born in 1901, meaning he picked up the quote from Dracula during a time jaunt through the Carpathian Mountains. Damn, I need to manipulate some kids into writing this down for a history project. These are TRUFAX being doled out here, people. Remember them, and pass them onto your children.

If you're interested in the source material, check out The Big Curmudgeon: 2,500 Outrageously Irreverent Quotations from World-Class Grumps and Cantankerous Commentators. If you can recite the book's title to the store clerk before running out of breath and dying, that is.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.

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