Altered Beast tells the story of a Centurian raised from the dead to rescue Athena from blahblahblah whatever. Altered Beast was an arcade beat 'em up from Sega in the 1980's, back when stories in video games existed but really served no purpose. Why did Donkey Kong kidnap Mario's girlfriend? Who cares? Climb to the top of the tower! And since when are Sega games known for their stories? Sonic the Hedgehog has a story, but all you care about is running real fast. NiGHTS has a story, but all you care about is flying around in circles. Crazy Taxi probably has a story, but it's even less important than the one in Sonic.
In Altered Beast, you are a dude in a tunic who beats up zombie monsters. You collect power-ups which first transform you into an oiled-up beefcake of homoerotic manliness and then into one of several powerful man-beasts. The game is short, shallow, and somewhat ridiculous. Amazingly, this running joke of a game was the pack-in software for the Sega Genesis until 1991, when Sonic the Hedgehog gave a whole new generation a reason to sit too close to the TV. It seems only fitting to partner this hilariously awkward but arguably fun game with the music of Natalie Portman's Shaved Head, Seattle's synth-pop answer to Electric Six who voluntarily chose to name themselves after an element from a Wachowski-produced film of an Alan Moore comic. Bad decisions all around, but its just so much fun!
Hey, you know what? That photoshop up there was kinda fun, too. How about another one?
Okay, that's enough of that.
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