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61 Frames Per Second

EVE Online Is an Elaborate Screen Saver

Posted by Bob Mackey

I don't play MMORPGs, mainly because living in the same house as an MMORPG victim was one hell of an eye-opening experience.  My stepdad has been playing Everquest since 1999, and my greatest memory of his nearly decade-long addiction is the day I walked down into our basement and saw him watching TV on the couch while Everquest played silently on a nearby computer.  Wondering why he wasn't glued to the keyboard, I asked why he abandoned his game.  The answer: "I'm traveling."  His character was sitting on a ship.

That was not the life for me.

For some inexplicable reason, I was tricked into signing up for the free trial of EVE Online a few summers ago, due to all of the absolutely crazy stories of mass warfare coming out of the guild affiliated with the Something Awful Forums. It only took me a few days to learn that EVE Online is more fun to hear about than to play; it's basically "I'm Traveling:" The Game. But perhaps I should let Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee explain my point in a much more entertaining way:



Now, imagine a pretty starfield and let me sum up my EVE Online experience:

*set destination*
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
*play with numbers*
*set destination*

WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
*play with numbers*
*set destination*

WHOOSH
WHOOSH
WHOOSH
*play with numbers*

Repeat until you get the point.

Related Links:

Yahtzee Rolls With the Big Dogs, Takes the Piss Out of GTA4
Yahtzee On E3: Are We Gaming in an Age of Uncreativity?
Yahtzee Says, Support Your Local Independent Developer (He's Right).

+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

Comments

Luke said:

The final straw for me was learning that the game rewards you for staying at your computer just enough to not do anything else, but not enough to actually play.  You can set autopilot to take you wherever (travelling!) - but it's faster if you disengage it, manually jump, and reengage, once every four minutes FOREVER.  

Then I realised "Fuck MMORPGs"

September 4, 2008 7:37 PM

James said:

What I like is all these people are now blogging about how boring EvE is, after that dude posted his dumb-ass review. How bout next time have the balls to say what you think first, and not be a mindless wannabe zombie.

September 19, 2008 1:36 AM

Brutorthegreat said:

And all those reasons are why i play eve. No children playing it, no fantasy dragons and spiders. I can surf the web and dick around not worrying about playing the game cause as long as your skill training its all good. Eve is more of a chat community and a true strategy puzzle game. Either you like it or you dont. (The game mechanics are the puzzle part btw, 14 days isn't enough to write a game review on eve.)

October 2, 2008 9:40 PM

About Bob Mackey

For a brief period of time I was Bull from TV's Night Court, but some of you may know me from the humor column I wrote for Youngstown State University's The Jambar, Kent State University's The Stater, and Youngstown's alternative newspaper, The Walruss. I'm perhaps most well-known for my bi-weekly pieces on Something Awful. I've also blogged for Valley24.com and have written articles for EGM, 1UP, GameSpite and Cracked. For all of my writing over the years, I have made a total of twenty American dollars. It's also said that I draw cartoons, which people have described with words such as "legible." I kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby and am looking to do so again in the future.

If unsatisfied, please return unused portion for partial refund.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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