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61 Frames Per Second

The Erotic Adventure of Little Mac

Posted by Nadia Oxford

I grew up sharing my Nintendo with my older brother. It probably won't surprise you all to learn that this meant enduring a lot of hockey games. I far preferred games of the Legend of Zelda and Dragon Warrior variety; long rambling adventures full of swords and monsters that frothed blood yet still came out looking far less violent than Blades of Steel.

Ah, but I did have a crush on a sports game or two, especially Punch Out!!. We actually owned Mike Tyson's unholy version of the game, which Nintendo now tries to pass off as a bad fever dream the retro community had during a bout of the flu.

Regardless, I remember what I remember, and I remember being very good at Punch Out!! and its gorgeous successor, Super Punch Out!! for the Super Nintendo. Little Mac kind of faded away after that, but it looks like he'll be back on the Wii. Yes sir, we hated Nintendo at the end of E3 2008, but it looks like we have a big fat reason to get on our knees and kiss ass again. Little Mac never left us; he was only training for the new generation. He's back, and he hasn't grown an inch. That is the right thing according to the order of the universe.

I'm especially happy to see that the original cast is back. Bear Hugger, Jackie Chun and Bob Charlie were a gas and all, but who doesn't want to watch King Hippo drop his pants in 3D? Come on, you know you've dreamed about it on many cold, lonely nights.

Speaking of Little Mac's past adventures in fisting, how many of you got to read the Valiant comic adaptation of his adventures? Valiant comics, for the uninformed, ran Nintendo-based comic adventures for a while, including ones based on Metroid, Super Mario, Captain N, The Legend of Zelda and Punch-Out!!. Poor Little Mac didn't get the attention he deserved, but he had a memorable story or two, even if they were memorable for the wrong reasons.

One comic, titled "Fox and Hounds" comes to mind. Little Mac falls into high society, which angers his trainer, Doc, because everyone knows richers are no good, ever. Mac ignores his mentor and continues schmoozing with this one perfumed chick who adores him like an exotic pet. This raises the hackles of perfumed chick's boyfriend, who sets up the "ultimate challenge" for Mac. The ultimate challenge involves fighting through the street and pummelling one hundred fighters, who eventually throw a net over him and start pounding him into paste. The ensuing panel is a little horrifying, with Mac surrounded by a circle of faceless fists. Some Valiant penciller was definitely thinking a bit too hard about that bukakke film his friend showed him before work.

What erotic comic adventures await Little Mac in this age of loose standards? Stick around, friends!

Related Links:

Christmas in Nintendoland: The Tokyo Conference
Many Colors in the Hardcore Rainbow
Yahtzee on E3: Are We Gaming in an Age of Uncreativity?


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

Comments

Roto13 said:

Bear Hugger is totally gay. You know it's true.

October 2, 2008 10:54 PM

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

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Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

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