Posted by Bob Mackey
Star Fox is undoubtedly Nintendo's own Sonic the Hedgehog; it's an increasingly irrelevant series saddled with a creepy furry vibe and plagued with "innovation" instead of being designed with a thoughtful reflection of what made the first two games so great. And because my GameFly queue was so overloaded with in-demand games like Sly 3: Band of Thieves, you get to read about Fox McCloud and his friends.
I am a bad person.
Star Fox Assault gets a bad rap for a good reason; it starts you off in a level very similar to that of the original Star Fox or Star Fox 64. It's not quite as well-designed as Nintendo's own handiwork, though it's a reasonable facsimile. But when you get to the second level, the fine people at Namco decide to make Star Fox the on-foot shooter it apparently always wanted to be--and the third level's not much different. Just like with Sonic the Hedgehog, you'd think it would be so damn easy to make a Star Fox game; put me on rails with limited range, give me some optional paths, and BAM! You have what may be called Star Fox. But--as the similarly-wonky DS Star Fox proved to us all--there's a time and place for needless creativity, and Star Fox isn't it.
Because Nintendo can't seem to get their shit together when it comes to Star Fox, I've compiled a list of tips that just may save the series. I hope they appreciate the minutes of work that went into this.
How to Not Ruin Star Fox:
- Make the game yourself, Nintendo. I know one of your talented teams is eager to work on Pet a Dog 2009, but wouldn't they be more productive elsewhere? They'll thank you, as will the rest of society.
- Keep the chatter in the Arwings. I've had my share of awkward cutscenes and I don't believe I need to see any more. Especially between characters with creepy possum teeth.
- Dispose of Crystal. You see that "sexy" image of Crystal lounging in a chair? IT'S OFFICIAL ART. Nintendo, ask yourself if this is the damage you want to inflict upon children. Look at the horrors a single Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon created.
- No one gets out of the Arwings. Not even to pee.
- Bring back the N64 voice cast. Since most of us have already memorized all of Star Fox 64's dialogue, it's only fair that these people give us more.
I'll be waiting eagerly next to my mailbox for the standard unsolicited consulting fee.
Related Links:
The Ten Most Adventurous Sequels in Gaming History, Part 3
Lowering the Standard: Why Nintendo’s Hardcore vs. Casual Commitments Aren’t the Problem
The Erotic Adventure of Little Mac
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About Bob Mackey
For a brief period of time I was Bull from TV's
Night Court, but some of you may know me from the humor column I wrote for Youngstown State University's The Jambar, Kent State University's The Stater, and Youngstown's alternative newspaper, The Walruss. I'm perhaps most well-known for my bi-weekly pieces on Something Awful. I've also blogged for Valley24.com and have written articles for EGM, 1UP, GameSpite and Cracked. For all of my writing over the years, I have made a total of twenty American dollars. It's also said that I draw cartoons, which people have described with words such as "legible." I kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby and am looking to do so again in the future.
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