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Why Am I Playing This: Star Fox Assault

Star Fox is undoubtedly Nintendo's own Sonic the Hedgehog; it's an increasingly irrelevant series saddled with a creepy furry vibe and plagued with "innovation" instead of being designed with a thoughtful reflection of what made the first two games so great. And because my GameFly queue was so overloaded with in-demand games like Sly 3: Band of Thieves, you get to read about Fox McCloud and his friends.

I am a bad person.

Star Fox Assault gets a bad rap for a good reason; it starts you off in a level very similar to that of the original Star Fox or Star Fox 64. It's not quite as well-designed as Nintendo's own handiwork, though it's a reasonable facsimile. But when you get to the second level, the fine people at Namco decide to make Star Fox the on-foot shooter it apparently always wanted to be--and the third level's not much different. Just like with Sonic the Hedgehog, you'd think it would be so damn easy to make a Star Fox game; put me on rails with limited range, give me some optional paths, and BAM! You have what may be called Star Fox. But--as the similarly-wonky DS Star Fox proved to us all--there's a time and place for needless creativity, and Star Fox isn't it.

Because Nintendo can't seem to get their shit together when it comes to Star Fox, I've compiled a list of tips that just may save the series. I hope they appreciate the minutes of work that went into this.

16-bit Morals: Sonic Warns You About Uncle Ernie

I watched video game-based cartoons for two reasons. First, it was something to fan my buzz when my parents made me turn off the Nintendo. Second, to feed the fanfic writer gestating inside me. I hoped that game cartoons would expand on the meagre stories games offered back then. I probably don't need to tell you that I was often disappointed. In the beginning, I actually believed that these cartoons were written by highly-paid enthusiasts who were bursting with their own ideas. I didn't think of them as desperate writers who recruited their nephews and nieces for crash courses in Mario lore (obvious exception: Bob Forward, who wrote the Legend of Zelda and Beast Wars). It didn't take long for the truth to hit me, and it wasn't the bad writing that betrayed these ladies and gentlemen. It was the kindergarten-level morals that got crammed into most episodes of most everything.

Sonic is for Porn

Dic's Saturday morning Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon--often referred to by its (very dedicated) fanbase as "SatAM"--remains an example of one of video gamedom's higher quality cartoon adaptations. The intro lives on in the hearts of our inner children. When we hear it, we recall our bowls of Trix and waking up before everyone else and oh my God, I can't even concieve of not sleeping in on a Saturday morning. Not even for Sonic.

Most of us have grown up and become stale adults with worries about bills and running out of Dulcolax. Our tastes have changed as well; now instead of laughing along with Sesame Street, we laugh along with Avenue Q (maybe).

Ah, but perverts may yet rejoice for this opportunity to recapture and distort their childhood. A thoughtful Sonic fan crossed Avenue Q's "The Internet is For Porn" with the animated cast of Sonic the Hedgehog. (Mildly NSFW.) Of course, every genius with free, spyware-laden editing software has crossed Avenue Q with every franchise ever (including your mom. Oh!--Zing!), but there's something very special about the obese Dr Robotnik bellowing "For porn!" Unfortunately, the image of Robotnik surfing the Internet for delights now hovers in my brain like a spectre.

Someone get me a funnel and some lighter fluid.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.

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