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  • Yes, There is a New Dungeon Keeper. No, You Can’t Have It.

    I love my morning feed of press releases as much as the next guy (read: not very much, but at least it’s not as depressing as real news), but this morning I seriously considered never, ever looking at it again. And not because it was boring, because that I can take. No, this morning it was actually cruel to me.

    The release in question had a title that contained the words “New Online Game – Dungeon Keeper Online.” In a perfect world that phrase would be...well, less redundant, but also sacrosanct, the sort of words that would come down a mountain embossed in a pillar of bronze. The ensuing party would last for days.

    But just before popping the champagne, it occurred to me to actually, you know, read the release. And, of course, this was not the return of Peter Molyneux’s beloved good-to-be-bad strategy game that left me cackling into the wee hours of 1997. This despite its name, and despite "
    themes, characters and other game content" that will be coming from that game. No, this Dungeon Keeper is by NetDragon, a company you’ve never heard of because it primarily makes those inscrutable grindfest MMOs for Asia. Oh, and by the way, Asia is the only place you’ll be able to play Dungeon Keeper Online.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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