When you go on dates, there are many innocuous little ice breakers people commonly rely on, such as, ‘So…What do you do?’ or the popular ‘ So.. like, Where are you from?’ and then there’s my all time favorite, ‘So.. uh.. do you like cheese?’
Going on a date you’ve met through the online personals is a bit different. When meeting someone through that auspice for the first time, invariably the question,’ So what’s your greatest online dating story?’ pops up. Usually, most of the stories I’ve heard have been pretty tame like…
‘Well, this guy said he was like totally 6 feet tall, and when he got there he was like.. 5 foot 2’
On occasion you hear the obligatory ‘groping’ date or the date that turned out to be a stalker, and don’t get me wrong, those have undeniable entertainment value, but…
I have the greatest online dating story ever told…
About four years ago, I was doing a brief stint of online dating with another service, to remain nameless (it was lavalife). Anyway, I wasn’t having too much success with it, and I was ready to give it up and go buy a blow up doll, when one day I noticed that I had received a new e-mail in my inbox. Now, I don’t know about you, but receiving a new letter always fills me with a quick jolt of pep. When I clicked on it, I discovered that it was an unsolicited note, which is a rather infrequent occurrence. Guys usually make the first move online, and I have to tell you, the unsolicited note, much like the unsolicited manuscript or demo usually doesn’t garner too much attention. Perhaps it’s unfair, but it does send up a red flag or two i.e. is this woman desperate? Does she look like something you’d find in a live bait shop? You know the usual.
Anyway, the note was extremely complimentary, and effusive, which I found endearing and I must admit, it did play to my vanity, which is a definite weakness of mine. Her photo seemed a bit non-descript, I really couldn’t get a clear idea of what she looked like. However, she didn’t appear to be actively or aggressively unattractive, in fact quite the opposite, she seemed pretty, or at least I thought she did, I mean I was extrapolating. I sent back a brief, yet well thought out response vaguely suggesting we meet up for a beverage of some arbitrary type, and she agreed. I was glad of that. These lengthy exchanges are a bit of a bore, I think it best to just jump out there and see what’s what. So we decide to meet up downtown after work in a couple of days.
The day of our date, I was totally running behind, and I wound up getting out of work at a ridiculous hour. I rushed to our meeting place, but I got stuck in a jam on the FDR. I wind up there about a half hour late, feeling all harried and out of sorts.
I thought to myself. ‘Shit .. I left this poor girl out to dry out here on these mean Soho streets.. what an unbelievable bastard be I..’
Just as that puffy thought bubble was dissipating over my head I see someone frantically waving to me from across the street. So I take a few steps closer, and I notice, ’she’s a tall one!’. A few steps more and I notice, ‘wow, she’s a really tall one!’. A few steps more and I notice.. uh.. in the immortal words of Austin Powers ‘She’s a man baby!!!’. Or more to the point, a transvestite, and not doing a very good job of it I might add. She was built like a linebacker, with these massive shoulders exposed in a sun dress. To make it even worse, she had on this really bad wig, which was slightly askew atop her enormous pineapple shaped head.
I felt all the blood drain from my face, as she approached to introduce herself.. ‘Hey there, I nearly gave up on you!!’ My mouth went dry and I wasn’t sure exactly what my next move should be. I gotta say about 99.9 percent of me wanted to just pivot and run like the wind in the opposite direction. Still, I was brought up with impeccable manners, and I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her feelings.
I managed to squeak out, ’yeah, traffic was really bad on the Drive, and I got out of work a bit later than I.’
‘Oh no matter, no matter’, she chimed in cheerily…
She had this odd accent, vaguely Australian with a hint of New Jersey. I was getting pretty freaked out at this point, and my brain kind of took a powder. I’m prone to anxiety attacks anyway, and this was a prime situation for that inevitability. I don’t know why or how, but I made some kind of decision with myself that I would have a quick drink with her and then high tail it out of there.
Maybe it was the cheap wig, precariously perched upon her noggin that made feel bad for her, or maybe it was the fact that I was so out of it, but here I am, walking down the street with this gigantic transvestite looking for a bar.
The first place I spot, I stammer in her general direction at blinding speed, ’Here. This ones good no? Don’t you think.. let’s step in here, we’ll just get a drink now..’
We walk in, and everyone in the place freezes. Drinks are dropped, mouths are dropped, all eyes are upon us. It was like that scene in the Nutty Professor with JERRY LEWIS - NOT EDDIE MURPHY. Anyway, it was a nightmare. So, we sit down at the bar, I order a scotch straight and she orders a white wine spritzer. The bartender gives me the evil eye as he sets up our drinks. I try to convey to him through my eyes, that in point of fact this is not my choice, and it’s only my flawless good breeding that has me stuck in this situation. Of course, he probably thinks I’m giving him ‘the eye’ He snarls something under his breath and skulks off.
We settle in and she starts babbling to me about her and her ex ‘lover’, and how he was a famous performance artist but was just too mercurial to get serious with. Then she began to recount this long and detail laden adventure about how she was living in LA and was deported back to New Zealand (I was close) describing her struggle to get back to the states.
Meanwhile, I have this frozen half smile plastered to my face, all the while I’m saying to myself, ‘Oh dear god, just pick an opening and say you have to attend some sort of function that you’re chairing.. or you’re receiving some award.. You’re the guest of honor.. or. Just … ...GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!’.
I felt dizzy and nauseous. Moreover, I was also beginning to get really pissed off, I mean who the hell was she to put me in this awkward position? Don’t get me wrong, I am no homophobe, and I’m a totally live and let live type of guy, but this is just too much - she continued to drone on in that odd accent of hers…
‘ So, anyway, here I am back in ole’ New Zealand, desperately pining for Mark, and feeling all coked out….‘
I’m beginning to really hate this person. I mean even if she was a woman I think I’d hate her, not only is she a transvestite, but she’s a boring transvestite!! Something snaps in the back of my brain like a blue spark, and in the middle of a her story describing a painful cavity search in Fiji, I blurt out much too loudly
‘I’m really sorry I forgot I have to be some where I mean Im the guest of honor at a party being thrown in my honor its a charity event for war orphans in bolivia and i sponsor this family thats being flown in and i really should be there im known in the village as 'big papa who heals with kindness' and it would be a great insult if i didnt show up so i really have to go it was real nice meeting you and im sorry about the abruptness but i…’
... ‘oh.. Just go.. just go!’, she interrupted in a wounded tone..
I couldn’t believe it, she had the Hooksexup to feel hurt!!
‘no really its the bolivian orphans and ok im gonna be going nice meeting you’
.. and just like that I was out of there. I rushed back home to reinvestigate her profile to see if I’d missed any clues, or hidden messages. I couldn’t find anything other than a line where she stated must have an ‘open mind’. Who knew what she actually meant?? I thought she meant different kinds of food or some such shit.
Later that night I reflected upon my date. Did I handle it correctly? Should I have called her out on her deception? Was I just a big wimp? In the end she was up one white wine spritzer, and I was up one hell of a good story.. I think we broke even.
Now that’s a pretty good story right? Well, there’s more! There’s a KICKER to this story that pushes it over the top and truly makes it..
‘The greatest online date story of all time’…
Not too long ago – just before I started dating my present girlfriend - I got an ‘unsolicited note’ in my mailbox here at Hooksexup. I couldn’t really tell much from the photos as they were inconclusive. Still, I wrote her back, as I’m a friendly guy and I usually write back to people that take the time to write me. Anyway, I tell her I’m an artist and I also write for my website, and I sent her the link to the site.. blah, blah..
After a couple of exchanges however, she mentions that she’d lived in New Zealand. NEW ZEALAND..it all clicked… This person was THE FUCKING SAME TRANSVESTITE from 4 years ago!!!!
Well, needless to say, this time I didn’t take her out for a drink.
So be careful fellas, she's out there.. and she's looking for love.. I suppose we all are.
Most of us anyway..
Pow...bang... booommm...Gong Li ...actress
'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file
BITE ME! - Snark.
My first kiss...a remembrance of thing past
Feel the paste in you face - The FACIAL file
Talk dirty to me!!
I abstain! The fear to fuck
The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.
BITE ME!!!
Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file
The brass ring