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October 2007 - Posts

• Video of the Day: Wes Anderson Interviews Owen Wilson

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Artist on Artist: Owen Wilson and Wes Anderson   We took all those pot shots against MySpace in our Tila Tequila post earlier today, and now MySpace actually brings us something cool. Fine, MySpace. You win. In this video, Wes Anderson interviews Owen Wilson. Props to both of them for not letting this interview be handled by Barbara Walters. + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 02:00 PM with no comments Filed under: video of the day, wes anderson, owen wilson

• Happy Halloween! Want a Pumpkin Face Job?

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  "Why?" You ask. "Because we could," the Pumpkin Porn website replies. Don't know about you, but we'll stick with the Gene Simmons with ham tongue pumpkin, thank you very much.  + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 01:02 PM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: bizarre crap, halloween, porn

• Divorce, the New Marriage

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Salon has a story today about divorce parties. Apparently, couples are celebrating the end of their union in the same annoying way so many people celebrate the beginning of it: mass emails, Evites, and MySpace rants. We have no problem with divorce parties. You’re sad, you’re lonely, you deserve a party. But as single ladies with no children, we’re a little sick and tired of every effing person getting to register at Crate & Barrel while we max out our credit cards buying you a salad shooter. No more, friends. Scanner wants to institute single parties. (Are these called orgies? So be it.) But these orgies come with a gift registry. We’d like two bottles of lube, a hot dog, and Leonardo diCaprio’s virginity, please. Last time we checked, that was all available at Linens N Things. + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 11:25 AM with no comments Filed under: trend stories, divorce

• Love Myself for Hating You: Tila Tequila

  Posted by sarahhepola

  We have seen our bottom, and its name is Tila Tequila. For some time, approximately five billion years, we have watched more crappy dating shows than a grounded teenager. We are familiar with dating shows of the Paleozoic Era, such as Match Game and Love Connnection, and those of the Mesozoic Era, such as Blind Date and Change of Heart. Recently, we’ve been binging on VH1 dating shows. Their combination of kitsch, minor celebrity, and outright trashiness has triangulated the G-spot in our television viewing experience. Pick-up Artist? Sold. I Love New York, the first season? Sold! Rock of Effing Love? It’s a done deal. And so with new fall weather comes a new fall dating show. A bisexual dating show! And now, for the shocking reveal? We can’t watch it. Read More... + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 10:46 AM with 6 comment(s) Filed under: reality shows, love myself for hating you, tila tequila

• Teenage Leonardo DiCaprio Was So Not Laid

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Number 467 on the list of things you didn't realize you never wanted to know about: Leonardo DiCaprio's virginity. Thanks to Russell Crowe's big gossipy mouth, we've learned that Leo was a virgin at 17. Now Scanner Sarah really can't understand why he didn't answer her fan mail.  + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 10:40 AM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: celebrity sex, virginity

• You Should See Where They Put the Steering Wheel

  Posted by sarahhepola

  It seemed like such a good idea to have these pictures of coppers silkscreened onto the buses in Hampshire. And then they realized where the exhaust pipe would be. Hmm. Anybody got a banana? (via) + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 09:51 AM with no comments Filed under: cops, bad advertising

• Happily Mix Your Love of Pills and Vodka

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Have you ever really craved vodka, but not been in the mood to drink? OK, birthdays, weddings, subway rides, we're always in the mood to drink. But say one day we want to pop a pill instead of downing a martini — now we totally can! All thanks to science...and alcoholism. (via Dethroner) + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 09:22 AM with no comments Filed under: vodka, pills

• 'The Times' Brings Us the Vajayjay Monologues

  Posted by sarahhepola

  In today’s history lesson, the Times’ Stephanie Rosenbloom dips a toe into the golden river of linguistic history to bring us the origins of “vajayjay,” the most popular name for your pussy popularized by Grey’s Anatomy. Jimmy Kimmel has used it. Tyra has used it. Oprah loves it even more than that ginger Origins scrub she keeps pimping. Even Gloria Steinem is getting in on the vajayjay monologues. In a voice-mail message left for a reporter, Gloria Steinem said she hopes the women using vajayjay are doing so because they think it is more descriptive than vagina, not because they are squeamish. Of course, anything as fabulous as our vagina deserves a winning pet name. Our pet name? Alfonso. But that’s just us.   + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 29 2007, 08:25 AM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: new york times, oprah winfrey

• The BEEPing Union Will BEEP Your BEEP

  Posted by sarahhepola

  We leave you this week with a wonderfully foul-mouthed commercial, sent to us by our tipster Tommy. Scanner is sooo joining the Union next week. Cause we don't take shit from nobody. And neither should you.  + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 05:06 PM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: video of the day

• The Sluts Stole Our Halloween. We’re Stealing It Back.

  Posted by sarahhepola

  LA Times columnist Joel Stein wants to reclaim Halloween, taking it back from the sluts who have run amok with the pagan holiday. “I understand that the masquerade ball is a classic that faded away, and that people need an opportunity to hide behind a mask in order to safely express their hidden selves. It makes sense that once a year I get to peek into your psyche and find out whether you think of yourself as a whore nurse, a whore pirate, a whore angel or a whore whore. That's fine. But not on the kids' favorite day. It's transforming formerly child-friendly costume shops from fun-creepy into Chris Hansen-creepy.” We couldn't agree with him more, especially after seeing those ridonculous sexy children's costumes earlier today. Stein suggests a holiday in August called Slut Day, when everyone reveals their inner sluts with costume parties and theme drinks. Or, as we call it at Scanner, “Monday.”   + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 03:49 PM with 3 comment(s) Filed under: halloween, sluts

• Sloppy Seconds: For a Good Time, Call Kelly

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Here at Scanner, we have two fingers gently caressing the blogosphere at all times. A roundup of things you may have otherwise missed: Men looking for casual sex are likely to chase after girls named Kelly. Shocker: In real life (as opposed to reality TV), LC from The Hills is a "conversation killer" and her relationship drama is staged, says on-show date Gavin Beasley.   The prospect of childlessness freaks men out more than women.  A guy and ghoul (sorry!) get hitched at a haunted house. 77-year-old rich German dude is suing a 19-year-old because although he took her out, she refused to put out.   + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 03:30 PM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: sloppy seconds

• Used Dell Laptop: $370; Getting Your Cheating Girlfriend F'd in the A: Priceless

  Posted by Bryan Christian

  Not only is this used Dell D600 a steal at just 400 bucks, but it comes with just about the best story of provenance we've heard about a second-hand item since that Antiques Roadshow: Whorehouses of Old New Orleans* special. The laptop belonged to this guy's girlfriend, who was getting her naughty Windows upgrade from another man. But that's only where the story begins.  Seeing that sex had gone out the window a month ago (seriously from once or twice a day to nothing) I figured if I could[n’t] get any neither should he. I started chatting with him but at the end I said "I would love to do anal tonight, but I don't like it slow, when you have me doggy style, just go for it. I will be ready all night" Heck, the read alone’s worth a couple hundred! * OK, that never actually happened. If only! + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 03:25 PM with 5 comment(s) Filed under: auctions, computers, cheating, screwing your ex

• To Do: Drop off Dry Cleaning, Wash Car, Have "Fumbling, Unremarkable" Sex With Larry Craig

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  It was only a matter of time before someone came forward with a Larry Craig sexcapade, and here we are with a story about David Phillips, a gay man who claims he had furtive, messy, less-than-thrilling sex with Craig about 20 years ago. The story sounds like it could have happened, but who the hell knows? We're just surprised it took this long to hear a "Larry Craig picked me up for closeted, self-loathing gay sex" story. Jeez, we don't know which of these guys to feel worse for.     + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 03:15 PM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: gay, larry craig

• Osama Bin Lantern Proves Inherent Goodness in Man, Pumpkin-Carving

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Someone is using that fancy liberal arts education for the important things in life. The Osama Bin Lantern. Or wait, is that Scanner Bryan? (Thanks to Jo.) + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 02:17 PM with no comments Filed under: scanner bryan, osama bin laden

• Video of the Day: India Thriller

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  This Saturday, October 27th, some ambitious zombies are trying to set the world record for the largest Thriller dance. With Thrill the World participants around the globe, we thought we'd get everyone in the mood with this Bollywood "Thriller" video. + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 02:12 PM with no comments

• Hottest/Worst Contest: Now Rise for Your King and Queen

  Posted by sarahhepola

  That red smoke from the Vatican chimney can mean only one thing: We have a winner — winners, actually — in our Hottest Performance in Worst Movie contest. As Scanner Sarah noted earlier today, Milla Jovovich was an early favorite for her work in the Resident Evil series, where she manages to look smashing in nearly every zombie-slash-exposition-laden scene. But we couldn't pull the trigger on Milla because, let's face it, Resident Evil ain't all that bad. You got guns, guts, ghouls... Plenty of stuff other than Milla to distract you from the shabby filmmaking. And we're not looking for someone who simply looks great in the middle of TBS-level mediocrity here; we're looking for performances of such boner-inducing appeal that they make us sit through two hours of pure, uncut awfulness. Which means that the winners, by some distance, are Angelina Jolie and Antonio Banderas in the 2001 erotic period piece (yeesh!) Original Sin. Read More... + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 12:25 PM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: scanner contests, antonio banderas, angelina jolie

• Sex, Drugs, or Rock 'n' Roll: Slash Voted "Drugs"

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Apparently when Slash was dating then-notorious (and barely legal) porn star Traci Lords in 1989, he forgot to have sex with her because he was too busy smoking the crack rock. Scanner Sarah says that, actually, she was too busy smoking Traci Lords to have sex with Slash, which we find hysterical, distressing, and plausible in equal parts. — Bryan Christian + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 11:52 AM with no comments Filed under: sarah has gone insane, traci lords, slash

• Happy Halloween! Your 10-Year-Old Is Showing Cleavage.

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  The spookiest thing about these "occupational" sexy Halloween costumes for little girls is that somewhere there are parents who will buy them. The girls in these photos aren't old enough to trick-or-treat by themselves, but that shouldn't stop them from dressing up as saucy French maids for Halloween. It's time to rescue these children from themselves before they end up 22 years old, twice divorced, flashing their lady treasures while reading Dianetics in rehab. Shudder. Now there's a scary story.   + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 11:34 AM with 3 comment(s) Filed under: bizarre crap, halloween, costume, kids

• Noooooooooooooooo!, Part 2

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Jessica Alba vows never to do a nude scene. + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 11:05 AM with 2 comment(s) Filed under: nudes in the news, jessica alba

• Porno Hankies: Perfect for Blowing Your Nose...or Your Wad

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Every time crafting meets perving, an angel gets its wings.   + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 11:00 AM with 1 comment(s) Filed under: bizarre crap, porn, crafts

• UsHappy! YouPorn Is Safe for Now.

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Remember statute 18 U.S.C. 2257 that would require anyone producing porn, amateur or otherwise, to keep a record of performers' proof of age? Didn't so much fly with the First Amendment. According to the court, this statute would "chill" free speech: To appreciate why speech would be chilled, consider the following. A couple wishes to take photographs of themselves engaging in sexual activity. To do so means compiling records, affixing statements, maintaining such records for at least five years, and opening their property up for visitation by government officials to inspect the records. It seems unlikely the couple would choose to speak when faced with such requirements, which if violated means being guilty of a felony punishable by up to five years in prison plus fines. Hear that, people? Take out those handycams and get your homemade porn on. We're shooting the sequel to Robocock tonight in our basement if anyone wants to come by and operate the boom.  + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 10:04 AM with no comments Filed under: porn

• Beer-Crushing Breasts Get No Respect

  Posted by sarahhepola

  So a barmaid in Australia was fined for crushing beer cans between her breasts. Hold up, she was fined for this Herculean feat? Is it opposite day, people? Did you walk to work on a cloud? Are the rivers running upstream? Is our cat NOT the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen in your life? This woman should be rewarded for such a task. She should be honored. In the third installment of Elizabeth, not yet in theaters, you will see that crushing beer cans between her tits is how the virgin queen became a legend. + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 10:01 AM with no comments Filed under: beer, stupid news

• Noooooooooooooooooooooo!

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Natalie Portman regrets nude scene.  — Bryan Christian + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 09:30 AM with 2 comment(s)

• Marry, F*ck, or Kill?: Hottest Person/Worst Movie Runners-Up

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Boy, we sure had a fun time playing that “Hottest Person in the Worst Movie” contest with you guys. It was tough to pick a winner (though we did, and it shall be revealed soon). The ladies you see above you are our runners-up in the female category. It’s not fair that there can only be one winner, it’s not fair all of you can’t get vibrators and/or T-shirts, and it’s not fair (while we’re on this jaunt) that we will never sleep with Jonathan Rhys Meyers or kiss his pale, pillowy lips. What can we do? We can marry, fuck, or kill. Milla Jovovich deserves to be here, because it’s possible she’s never actually been in a GOOD movie. (Dazed and Confused? She had no lines!). Gina Gershon in Bound was Angelina back when Angelina was still playing-acting her nutty goth girl schtick. (Though we must clarify that Bound, while campy, is a good movie.) Keira Knightley in Domino? Well, let’s just say we have a soft spot for Keira, and the way she uttered that ludicrous tagline, “I am Dome-eeh-noe.” So now, without further ado.  Marry, fuck, or kill? Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil Gina Gershon in Bound Keira Knightey in Domino + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 26 2007, 08:45 AM with 10 comment(s) Filed under: marry fuck or kill

• Hottest/Worst Contest Loses Potential Future Entry

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Robert Rodriguez has left the beleaguered Barbarella remake after the studio refused to cast his fiancée, former TV witch and current homewrecker Rose McGowan, as the main character. We’re actually more sorry to see McGowan off the project than Rodriguez, but she probably wouldn’t have been so damned va-va-voom in Planet Terror without him being behind the camera, so it probably is a package deal. More importantly: Wasn’t Jane Fonda married to Roger Vadim when he directed the original? Seems like Universal missed a whole PR angle here. At any rate, this reminds us: Should the original Barbarella be considered in our Hottest/Worst contest? + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 25 2007, 03:36 PM with no comments Filed under: barbarella, robert rodriguez, rose mcgowan

• And Now We Must Speak of Christina Ricci's Breasts

  Posted by sarahhepola

  Usually we don’t care that much about nip slips. Whoo-hoo, great, it’s a nipple. But these pictures of a braless Christina Ricci wearing sheer tops fascinated us. What is going on with her breasts? We’ve never quite seen breasts like this. Does this have to do with her breast reduction? Is this normal?  We called an emergency Scanner meeting. Turns out, our Scanner colleagues were just as confused as we were. ON THE BLACK TOP:  Nicole: Maybe I've just been staring too long at this photo, but does anyone else see the symbol for pi? Bryan: That shirt makes her boobs look like magical headphones. What wondrous music do you suppose is playing in them? It's 1999 in that picture, so we're guessing "Genie in a Bottle." ON THE PURPLE TOP:  Nicole: It looks like her boobs got in an argument in the car on the way over, and now, even though they have to sit at the same table, they refuse to make eye contact. Hmm. Maybe we should drink less at these Scanner meetings. Wait a minute: Maybe we should drink MORE.  + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 25 2007, 03:23 PM with no comments Filed under: nip slips, christina ricci

• Video of the Day: Slow Jerk

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Jerk-off motions are all fun and games...until somebody makes eye contact. + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 25 2007, 02:05 PM with 5 comment(s)

• Naked British Sleepwalkers Are Disappointingly Boring

  Posted by sarahhepola

  According to the UK division of Travelodge, the number of naked sleepwalkers in its business hotels has risen such an alarming degree in the past year that the company has published a “sleepwalkers guide” to help its employees handle the awkward scenes that result. The company said naked wanderers often ask receptionists such questions as "Where's the bathroom?," "Do you have a newspaper?" or "Can I check out, I'm late for work?" Really? Is that the best they could do? If we were sleepwalking, we’d probably demand a bottle of anything and a glazed donut to go before riding the checkout desk like Debra Winger in Urban Cowboy. Get a life, British Salarymen!  — Bryan Christian + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 25 2007, 01:07 PM with no comments Filed under: nudes in the news

• Belgian Police Chief Is Being, Like, So Unfair

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Police in Brussels have been ordered to stop visiting pubs and brothels while on duty. What kind of repressive, Puritanical bullshit is this? Doesn't the Brussels police chief realize that visits to bars and brothels help raise employee morale? We're writing this from the Champagne Room right now, and we're happy as clams with our jobs.   + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 25 2007, 12:20 PM with no comments Filed under: work sucks, police

• Will the Real Violet Blue Please Stand Up?

  Posted by Nicole Pasulka

  Blogging "sexpert" and San Francisco Gate columnist Violet Blue is suing a porn star who she claims stole her name (and sometimes her look) to do lots and lots of porn and give creepy, racist interviews. So, this explains what happened that time we were looking for information on rimming, and ended up watching Bang My White Tight Ass 26--er, wait--no it doesn't.      + DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT Posted Oct 25 2007, 12:02 PM with 2 comment(s) Filed under: porn, violet blue, sexpert