I have no idea who specifically makes the decisions about when certain games are released on the Virtual Console and WiiWare. For the purposes of this blog play, I'll refer to this entity as "Nintendo Fred."
Likewise, I have no idea who's in charge over at Bplus studios. For the purposes of this blog play, I'll refer to him as Bplus Phil, since "Phil" is a proud Austrian name.
Earlier today when I was sniffing around the Wii Shop Channel for my birthright, Mega Man 9, a drama played out in my head. It went a little like this.
Setting: Bplus game development studios, June 2008. The room is close and dark. We see a single telephone on a desk, surrounded by a glass forest of empty whiskey bottles. It rings. It is answered by BPLUS PHIL, a timid, pale man whose neck is hunched down into his shoulders. He holds the phone with a sweaty palm.
BPLUS PHIL: "H-Hello?"
On the other line is a booming voice: NINTENDO FRED.
NINTENDO FRED: "Bplus Phil! How the hell are ya? It took me forever to find you, you slippery bastard."
BPLUS PHIL: "Uh--oh, N-Nintendo Fred? Uh--Oh God, are you tracing this call so you can mail me that box full of vipers whose fangs are full of bees instead of venom?"
NINTENDO FRED: "Nah, that's all done with. Water under the bridge."
BPLUS PHIL: "Really? Y-you swore on your mother's grave and everything."
NINTENDO FRED: "Life's too short for petty grudges friend. In fact, I called you because I have a peace offering."
BPLUS PHIL wipes his bloodshot eyes and scratches at three days' stubble growth.
BPLUS PHIL: "What? But I--I ran over your dog when you rejected my proposal for Plättchen Twist 'n' Paint."
NINTENDO FRED: "Oh, I remember."
BPLUS PHIL: "And I shot your son."
NINTENDO FRED: "Regardless--"
BPLUS PHIL: "After I stuffed him down your mother's throat."
NINTENDO FRED: "Shut up and listen. I've seen the error of my ways. I like the idea behind Plättchen Twist 'n' Paint. No, I'm madly in love with it. I want to marry it. Please accept my offer to sell Plättchen Twist 'n' Paint on WiiWare."
BPLUS PHIL: "! You mean it?"
NINTENDO FRED: "With all my heart."
BPLUS PHIL begins to weep with joy. He wipes his nose on the back of his sleeve.
BPLUS PHIL: "This...this is truly a new start to my life. The gaming world will experience my dream, share in my vision. God bless you, Nintendo Fred. When can we release Plättchen Twist 'n' Paint?
NINTENDO FRED: "Oh shucks, I don't know. How about this September? The 12th will be fine for Europe, but I think great recognition waits for you in America, so we need a really special date. How about the 22nd? Plättchen Twist 'n' Paint should get top billing that day; nothing else important is coming out."
BPLUS PHIL: "Of course, of course! Thank you, Nintendo Fred. I love you. I will not fail you."
NINTENDO FRED: "Let's not get carried away. Goodbye, Bplus Phil. I'm happy we could resolve our conflict peacefully."
Epilogue: September 23, 2008. A stormy, wind-whipped day outside. We see an ominous silhouette hanging from a beam, creaking back and forth in the draft. In the background, we faintly hear an orchestra of tinny 8-bit Nintendo music. A whiskey bottle rolls off the desk, shatters. THE END...?
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