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Crash Bandicoot: Ashamed of His Own Existence

Posted by Bob Mackey

"Hey-a, folks! I'm back for some reason! If you're offended, I'd like to apologize! I really don't know what happened to my life since the 1990s! Interesting fact: I lack the common decency to kill myself!"

These are the words of Crash Bandicoot as his tortured grimace stares at us from yet another title in the franchise: Mind Over Mutant, the fifteenth game in the series. Fifteen!  The only consolation we have is the fact that the cover art for this multi-platform platformer seems to depict Crash's utter shame and possible substance abuse problems.  He's the Corey Haim of homeless mascot characters.

So why does he still exist? Well, if you happen to be a youngin' (AKA, younger than me), it's entirely possible that you cut your teeth on the early Bandicoot games and are coming back to the new ones for a quick hit of nostalgia. If this is the case, remember that the childhoods of old people like me were much better than yours; please cope with your wrongness in the appropriate manner.  But even after getting that issue out of the way, one disturbing truth remains: modern children may find Crash Bandicoot appealing.  Just remember, it's illegal to hurt them.

I guess Crash did have his place in the 32-bit console wars; the commercials of a man in a Crash suit shouting insults at Nintendo HQ were worth a few low-intensity chuckles. But Sony's answer to Mario 64 ended up being a soulless alterna-mascot who was nothing but a low-rent Tasmanian Devil. I'll admit, the Naughty Dog Crash games were much, much better than the ones that would follow in the subsequent decade--and Naughty Dog even managed to make a kickass cart racer out of their gaggle of awful characters.  But now Crash is this strange artifact from the 90s, existing in a world where the Punky Skunks and Impossamoles have been dead and buried for well over a decade.

Still, it doesn't look like he's going away anytime soon; and that depresses me almost as much as the upcoming Presidential election. Okay, maybe not quite that much.

Related Links:

Sonic Bound: After Three Botched Reboots, Sonic the Hedgehog May Finally Get His 3D Due
Character Case Study: When Good Characters Get Bad Attitudes
Sony Fans, Meet Your New Totem: Sackboy


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Comments

Roto13 said:

I never did like Crash Bandicoot. Too many animals with attitudes happened in the 90s. I guess we can blame Sonic for that.

October 7, 2008 1:24 PM

LBD "Nytetrayn" said:

Funny, I was just saying yesterday that between this new game and hearing about Sackboy being Sony's new mascot, I have to laugh a little bit and wonder what the future may bring.

October 7, 2008 2:22 PM

Demaar said:

Most youngins I know have graduated to better franchises. I don't even know who the hell is buying these games...

October 9, 2008 8:32 AM

About Bob Mackey

For a brief period of time I was Bull from TV's Night Court, but some of you may know me from the humor column I wrote for Youngstown State University's The Jambar, Kent State University's The Stater, and Youngstown's alternative newspaper, The Walruss. I'm perhaps most well-known for my bi-weekly pieces on Something Awful. I've also blogged for Valley24.com and have written articles for EGM, 1UP, GameSpite and Cracked. For all of my writing over the years, I have made a total of twenty American dollars. It's also said that I draw cartoons, which people have described with words such as "legible." I kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby and am looking to do so again in the future.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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