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WTFriday: Goldman's Drama Academy

Posted by Bob Mackey

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

I have to apologize because today's WTFriday is more than a little dated; but since my buddy picked up The House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return (not exactly a graceful title) for the Wii, I've had Goldman on my mind. Who's Goldman? Why, he's the series' recurring villain, whose plan to "cleanse the world" involves filling it with the most disgusting, abhorrent creatures to not really exist: zombies. But the important thing here is that he's clearly voiced by someone speaking English phonetically. The original Resident Evil tends to come to mind when we think of bad voice acting, but House of the Dead 2 is much, much worse--and rarely ever gets the credit it deserves.

Check out the following video and dare to tell me that stuff like "the master of unlocking" is even half as bad the marble-mouthed Goldman:



I have to give Sega credit for making sure that every line reading was performed completely out of context; in the lead up to the epic final battle, Goldman sounds more like a passive-aggressive biology teacher than a madman bent of world domination. Making something this terrible in 1998 was also pretty ballsy; remember, Metal Gear Solid came out just a month later. Sega and Capcom may have retconned their poor choices later in life by claiming that bad voice acting added to the B-Movie charm of their games--but it's more than obvious that back then they were being sincere.

Once again, I apologize for the old news; it's just that I'm personally bummed that Goldman never found a home in our land of video game memes; but maybe that's what makes him so special. In the end, though, I think we've all learned something from House of the Dead 2's voice acting: shouting "No! Don't! Come!" is no way to stop a zombie. Or an accidental pregnancy.

Related Links:

WTFriday: Play it Loud
WTFriday: Frawless Victory
WTFriday: The Adventures of Sonichu


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Comments

Alex said:

"Paging Mr. Herman...Mr. Herman, you have a telephone call at the front desk."

October 10, 2008 2:28 PM

Bob Mackey said:

Damn!  That's what his voice reminded me of!

October 10, 2008 2:46 PM

Demaar said:

Oh wow, that was pretty bad. He vaguely reminded me of the G-man to begin with, with his disjointed speaking and all.

October 10, 2008 9:57 PM

Bob Mackey said:

Man I wish I would have thrown this video into the post, too:

www.youtube.com/watch

October 11, 2008 1:48 PM

Alex said:

That is one of my very favorite movie scenes. It's incredibly silly, but it makes me laugh every time. Not unlike House of the Dead 2.

October 11, 2008 2:04 PM

About Bob Mackey

For a brief period of time I was Bull from TV's Night Court, but some of you may know me from the humor column I wrote for Youngstown State University's The Jambar, Kent State University's The Stater, and Youngstown's alternative newspaper, The Walruss. I'm perhaps most well-known for my bi-weekly pieces on Something Awful. I've also blogged for Valley24.com and have written articles for EGM, 1UP, GameSpite and Cracked. For all of my writing over the years, I have made a total of twenty American dollars. It's also said that I draw cartoons, which people have described with words such as "legible." I kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby and am looking to do so again in the future.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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