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Eloquence: In Recognition of Michael Bell

The video game industry may not have big stars in the same sense as the movie industry, but there are names that most gamers recognize immediately. It's a rare gamer who doesn't know the name Shigeru Miyamoto. Game music and art fans probably recognize names like Koji Kondo and Yoshitaka Amano, but where are the fans of the voice talent?

I don't know how video game voice actors are regarded in other countries, but it almost seems they earn little other than complaints here in the US. When the issue of voice acting comes up I'm much more likely to hear, “Link damn well better remain mute”, than to find excitement over who's bringing the characters to verbal life. This view of voice acting can be attributed to the game industry's hit or miss record concerning spoken dialog, but even so, woe betide the unappreciated voice talent.

Bad dialog and bad acting can cripple a character, that's undeniable, but when a character is portrayed well the people responsible deserve a little praise. With that in mind, I'd like to pay my respects and appreciation to Michael Bell, my favorite voice actor.

WTFriday: Goldman's Drama Academy

Note to readers: WTFriday is a weekly feature where I find something stupid about video games and get you to laugh until it goes away. Please try to forget this is what I normally do every day of the week.

I have to apologize because today's WTFriday is more than a little dated; but since my buddy picked up The House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return (not exactly a graceful title) for the Wii, I've had Goldman on my mind. Who's Goldman? Why, he's the series' recurring villain, whose plan to "cleanse the world" involves filling it with the most disgusting, abhorrent creatures to not really exist: zombies. But the important thing here is that he's clearly voiced by someone speaking English phonetically. The original Resident Evil tends to come to mind when we think of bad voice acting, but House of the Dead 2 is much, much worse--and rarely ever gets the credit it deserves.

Check out the following video and dare to tell me that stuff like "the master of unlocking" is even half as bad the marble-mouthed Goldman:

More tips on public speaking after the cut.

The Worst Voice Acting You Will Ever Hear, Guaranteed

I have a certain attachment to atrocious video game voice acting, so I'm ashamed of myself for bypassing the exceptionally bad chatter in O3's Chaos Wars until something like ten minutes ago. There has never been anything quite this bad in the realm of voice acting, and if God truly loves His Creation, there never will be again.

Oh sure, we can groan over "Jill Sandwich" and "WHAT AM I FIGHTING 4RRRRRRRR?????" (note the Pee-Wee Herman scream at the very end.) But even Resident Evil and Mega Man X4 had excuses: it was 1998 (or somewhere thereabouts), voice acting in video games was a Brave New World, and, more often than not, the "English" voice actors were actually Japanese people with a moderate grasp on English. If I were to offer a Japanese voice-over for an American-made game, we'd end up with a character whose commentary on the flaming destruction of his hometown wouldn't go far beyond, "Kawaii desu! Baka neko! Boku no Sexual Harassment!"

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia's prized possession is a certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.

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