From everyone here at 61FPS, I'd like to wish each and every one of you a merry Christmas. The other writers would probably like to wish you a merry Christmas too, but I'm going to go ahead and do it for them, because that's just the kind of guy I am: a massive jerk. Unfortunately, we're not going to be back until 2009, but there's no need to despair; sure, you could go read other blogs in the meantime, but that would be insane. Instead, I suggest you do what I'm going to waste the next week-or-so doing: watching embarrassing programs from my childhood through the power of modern technology.
That's right; if you have an XBox 360 and a Netflix subscription (as well as a high-speed internet connection and a total lack of shame) you have the ability to see how you may have thrown away your most formative years on this terrible planet. Currently, Netflix offers three different TV shows from the not-too-distant past that most of us watched non-ironically as children--irony having only been invented in 1997. Allow my brief reviews to help you find what's right for you; or, grab your favorite Frito-Lay snack and enjoy all of the video game-related programming from that wonderful decade known as the 1980s. Just make sure your heart doesn't stop beating from all the inactivity.
The Super Mario Bros. Super Show - Where else can you see a washed-up former wrestler (and, for a brief period, Madonna's pro-choice father) play one of gaming's most beloved characters? Sadly, our modern day washed-up wrestlers go straight to the whiskey-soaked gutters, but back in the late 80s you could take off your WWF belt, put on a goofy costume, and serve as the framing device for some horribly animated cartoons. The icing on this cake comes in the form of the final credits, where Captain Lou Albano (pictured above) spends so much time telling you to "do the Mario" that it's never clear how it's actually done, aside from moving your arms from side to side. Yeah, I find myself moving my arms from side to side a lot; it's called walking. Real original, Captain Lou.
The Legend of Zelda - Probably the most faithful of the old-timey video game cartoons, though there still are a few problems: the Triforce only has two parts (a BI-force, if you will) and how every single weapon in Hyrule happens to shoot kid-friendly, non-violent lasers. But the basic elements are basically untouched: you've got Link, you've got Zelda, you've got Ganon, and you've got antics a-plenty. Though, in an effort to give Nintendo's dull little elf boy some personality, the writers of this cartoon decided to give Link a single, overbearing trait: his constant throbbing erection for Princess Zelda. Lil' Link is nearly the lead character in the show, which leads to some inappropriate moments of sexual tension for a kid's cartoon. Watch it with someone you love.
Captain N: The Game Master - Captain N is basically Nintendo salad, and just as intellectually nutritious--though it's not for you Nintendo purists out there. The writers of Captain N play fast and loose with aspects of video game canon to the point where giving two main characters personalities completely based on their speech impediments is the least offensive thing they have to offer. Let's hope you're comfortable with Metroid villain Mother Brain being a complete ripoff of Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, as well as the litany of tiny mistakes that prove more money was spent on cocaine (the 1980s) than research by the staff of Captain N. Even simple problems like Mega Man boss Cutman being referred to as "Cutsman" had me repeating the nerd chorus of "I hope someone got fired for that blunder." Thankfully, people on the Internet have taken the liberty of documenting all of these mistakes. And clicking here will lead you to an examination of one of them. Bask in the glow of your relatively non-wasted life.
That's all from me until 2009. Special thanks to my pal Nick Daniel, who helped me think up some jokes during our torturous sessions of watching this garbage. In the spirit of Christmas giving, you should probably go and visit his web comic that I helped write until I was fired for insubordination. You'll be delighted to find that it isn't insufferable pap about two guys who sit on a couch, play video games, and unleash wisecracks that wouldn't make the first draft of a Yes, Dear script. Happy holidays!
Related Links:
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