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  • Praise His Name With Guitar Praise--Or Go to Hell

    If your worship of Jesus Christ permeates every level of your life to the point where you must include Him in your fictional guitar playing, your worries can now cease; Guitar Praise, a PC Guitar Hero clone, exists to remove all of the fun from music games forever.  Okay, Okay; I know I'm being kind of harsh.  To be honest, when it comes to Christian Rock, I'm of the same mind set as King of the Hill's Hank Hill: "You're not making Christianity better, you're just making rock and roll worse."  It's totally cool to worship however you want, though Flanders-ized products like this always seem a little disingenuous to me; I'm sure God has better things to do than fret over you playing "My Name Is Jonas" on expert.  Still, if you must have this product, it exists.  One question, though: just what are you doing on the secular Internet?

    If you're wondering just how Praise Hero plays, Wired's Eliot Van Buskirk has written a hands-on report that's obviously not as hateful (or fueled by Catholic school experience) as my own take on the game. One thing I thought was funny, though, was his mention of Guitar Praise's use of gentle encouragement for those who totally suck on toast:

    Digital Praise's Guitar Praise - Solid Rock adopts the same concept of "playing" rock tunes on an increasingly difficult level. But it inhabits a gentler world where a bad performance gets you mild clapping and gentle suggestions instead of the raucous boos and catcalls that accompany failure in Guitar Hero.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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