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Up All Night: P.N. 03

Posted by John Constantine

Once upon a time, in the hallowed days of the mid-90s, there was a show on USA called Up All Night. Up All Night aired, as you might expect, in the dead of night and was little more than truly crap movies – typically violenceploitation, sexploitation, pretty much any kind of movie that might end in ploitation – hosted by Gilbert Gottfried. It was always a special treat when you’d drunkenly channel surf your way into Gottfried surrounded by bikini clad women and telling you how you were about to watch C.H.U.D. II: Bud the C.H.U.D. Over the last twenty years of saving princesses and whatnot in the wee hours, I’ve come to realize that there are many, many games that fit the Up All Night formula. All they’re missing is a shrill comedian.

Dear reader, let me be your Gilbert Gottfried!

Tonight on Up All Night, 61FPS presents P.N. 03, an all but forgotten piece of trash from Capcom starring Vanessa Z. Schneider.



Vanessa’s a cyborg or bounty hunter or something, the story isn’t especially clear. Or existent. There’s no explanation offered up for why Vanessa is literally dancing her way through Ikea shooting robots using metallic lingerie. But who needs context when something’s this awesome? P.N. 03’s not uncommon in bargain bins across the land so access shouldn’t be too difficult. Next time you get home from karaoke at 3am and think, hey, I need exploding robots and ass-shaking, this one will satisfy.


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

Comments

Rob said:

But is she a bad enough dude to save the president?

May 12, 2008 10:05 PM

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about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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