Seriously. Not safe for work.
As they used to say back on the farm, if it exists on this here planet, you can be cocksure there’s a porno based on it. Okay, you caught me. I didn’t grow up on a farm. I grew up in the middle of a lot of farms though, and I’m telling you, people on those farms used to say this all the time. The past twelve years of browsing the internet have taught me that this age-old maxim is absolutely true. Hollywood movie parodies have been a rich and lasting resource for triple-x features forever, birthing immortal classics like Edward Penishands, so videogames seem like a no-brainer. That’s not even taking into consideration modern gaming’s largely Japanese origins and that country’s penchant for all manner of costume-related perversions. We at 61 Frames Per Second, being the powerful cultural critics we are, have compiled this list of the top five Game-Based Pornos from east and west. Be warned: continuing to read may cause embarrassment for humanity, uncontrollable laughter, and occasional revulsion.
#5) Super Hornio Bros.
The image above is an internet staple, the “film” an affront against the senses. Yes, shortly after Nintendo allowed Bob Hoskins to play the world’s most recognizable gaming icon on the silverscreen, director Buck Adams cast Ron Jeremy as Hornio, the overalls-clad plumber star of Super Hornio Bros. Rumor has it that the day the video shipped to adult boutiques across the land, Shigeru Miyamoto threw up for over twelve hours straight and was institutionalized for a month.
#4) Many, Many Tifa Lockhart of Final Fantasy VII Videos
Final Fantasy VII was the RPG that changed the world, making cinematic presentation an integral part of game design and bringing role-playing out of the basement and into the mainstream. Most people say this is because of the epic for-its-time presentation. I say it was because Squaresoft decided to put giant boobs in it. The character of Tifa Lockhart, barely clothed and sporting some serious back-problem-causers, was a shameless move to sex-up the series and, unsurprisingly, it worked. There are literally hundreds of pornographic films in Japan starring actresses dressed up like Tifa (the pictured title spices things up even more with the star playing even more game stars, like Darkstalkers’ Morrigan.) For the record, I only know that many exist after research for this article. Seriously…
#3) WhoreLore – World of Whorecraft and Age of Bonan
WhoreLore is a special case because, like its multiple inspirations, it’s persistent. Formerly known as the World of Whorecraft, WhoreLore makes episodic, eerily accurate hardcore fare based on Blizzard’s World of Warcraft and Funcom’s recently released Age of Conan. They don’t go to the point of listing what kind of stat losses the actors experience as they disrobe, but the costumes, make-up, and dialogue are spot on. Bonan even goes so far as to literally recreate the opening mission of Age of Conan. For anyone out there feeling some kind of shame for their love of MMOs, don’t. Porn stars are just like you and are, apparently, even nerdier.
#2) Geki Fit
and
#1) Chinpo o Kitaeru Otona no Ingenware Training (Dick Drilling Adult's Lewd Word Self Training)
Like I said before, everything eventually becomes subject matter for porn. Everything. But our number one and two entries have left me incredulous. They are wholly strange, totally silly, and utterly Japanese. Both are based Nintendo’s most recent successes, specifically their non-games. These are lifestyle enhancers more than goal-oriented, character-driven “games”, which makes the smut they’ve inspired even more peculiar. Number two is Geki Fit. Inspired by Wii Fit, it is one-hundred and fifteen minutes of lewd yoga poses viewed from increasingly voyeuristic camera angles. There isn’t even any nudity. I’m not making this up.
Number one is Chinpo o Kitaeru Otona no Ingenware Training. Translated as Dick Drilling Adult's Lewd Word Self Training, it’s based on the Nintendo DS phenomenon, Brain Age. Yes, that’s right. It’s porn based on WORD PUZZLES AND MATH! Have you ever played these Brain Age games, dear reader? A disembodied, polygonal head quizzes you repeatedly with brain teasers and then judges your intelligence. I can’t even begin to imagine what this DVD is like. Does it ask you to read out loud? Does it ask you to memorize as many words as possible in thirty seconds? I have nightmares about people using this as a marital aid.
Nintendo, next time you’re trying to think of a clever name for a line of videogames, do not call them “Touch Generations”. Look what you did.
Many thanks to Kotaku, J-List, 1P Start, and Whorelore in the compilation of this staggering achievement in journalism.
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The Ten Greatest Opening Levels in Gaming History
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