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Kids' Games too Complicated for Kids

Since I try as hard as I can to be a well-rounded gamer, I like to experience as many kinds of games as possible. Take Fallout 3, for example; I was once highly allergic to non-linear, Western RPGs, but in the past two weeks I've invested over 50 hours into Bethesda's little masterpiece. And I had the same intentions when I picked up Viva Pinata: Trouble in Paradise--I had no idea if I would like the game, but the endless amounts of praise it received (from adults, mind you) convinced me to buy it at a budget-friendly price. I'm not averse to kiddie games, but I was initially worried that maybe Pinata was going to be a little too simple for my gaming tastes.

But when I got through the game's all-too-brief tutorial, I could only think one thing: "Children are supposed to understand this?"

Video Games and Discipline: You're Doing It Wrong

Just so we're clear: I'm not referring to using gold-plated copies of Zelda II for kinky spanking activities.

(Everybody gets up and leaves, muttering disappointedly)

I was usually a pretty good kid. With my big blue eyes and dark pigtails, nobody suspected any trouble out of me. When I did feel the inevitable jab of rebellion, I at least had the good sense to keep my activities on the down-low. Of course, that was a different age before the pull of YouTube and Facebook photo albums.

But even I fell off the schoolwork wagon often enough. Part of my problem is that I just didn't like school, except when I was learning something I was genuinely interested in...and how often does that happen? I prefer spacing out to studying, and of course, video game obsession knocked me off course from time to time. I had my systems and games taken away now and again. My mother might have sold them entirely if she wasn't so determined to pass the first level of Castlevania III...however many times she had to try.

The other day, I was reading an article by one of them fancy college-edjyoucated "child psychologists" who had some advice for correcting "bratty kids." None of the disciplinary actions I would employ showed up on the list (nobody uses holes full of hungry rats for anything anymore), but the psychologist recommended against taking away an unruly kid's system and games. Why? Because "if a child is away from video games for long enough, he'll forget he ever liked them."

Can I be the first to call bullshit on that one?

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.

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