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Irrational Gaming Fears

As I've pointed out in the past, I'm a huge gaming wuss--though I like to think I'm much better than I used to be. This particular brand of cowardice started very early in my gaming life, with a system that probably didn't instill fear in anyone aside from stockholders: the Atari 2600. It was the abstract, blocky representations within these simple games that played hell upon my young mind. Sure, a dragon usually ended looking like a duck on the system's puny hardware, but to the boundless imagination of a young child, that duck's about to leap off the screen and peck out your heart.

One 2600 game terrified me so much that I actually had to hide it: Berzerk. Maybe it was the killer robots, maybe it was the creepy, tense atmosphere--but I'd break out into a cold sweat anytime it was near. And to make me look even more pathetic, the commercial for Berzerk featured an octogenarian and her small grandson playing the game with absolutely no reservations.

Note: This is the one time I felt a sassy grandma was not nearly sassy enough.

Super Mario World is Terrifying!

Games are as varied as movie genres, meaning there are plenty of titles out there that exist for the purpose of making us poop our pants in fear. Silent Hill, Half-Life, Super Mario World...

Wait, Super Mario World is frightening?

It is if you're this guy. He's "never played Super Mario World before, and he's ready to bid farewell to his virginity while the world watches him (scream in horror).

Obviously he's faking it, but it's still a pretty amusing watch. Especially if you know enough about the game to anticipate his reaction to Banzi Bills and half stepped-on Rex dinosaurs.

But why act superior. We all freaked out a little at Super Mario World, right? My best friend's father jumped behind the couch when Bowser came soaring at the television screen during his last stand against Mario.

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.

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