(Read parts l and ll for a full explanation)

I've spent a lot of time daydreaming recently about my needs. I've not been demanding or sophisticated though as all I've managed to come up with is "man with big dick".

Be careful what you wish for.

This dude writes to me on the regular personals on Hooksexup.com, not adultfriendfinder. That bit is important. He is very good looking and his email is witty and entertaining. Really funny actually and you know that's rare for a particular nationality who shall remain nameless so as not to piss off the bulk of my audience. Ha ha har says me.

I write back.

He writes again. This time he mentions the opening gambit on my profile. It says "Honey, it's long, brace yourself". See, many men write and say the profile is really long - I've told you this already - so I felt the need for a disclaimer. And, as an English chick, I am pretty much obliged to use double entendres wherever possible so my introductory sentence seemed like a fine opportunity. It is supposed to be sexual obviously, but in a haha cheeky way not in a slip me one immediately way.

He says "what if it IS really long?"

I thought it was a joke. I wrote back. He wrote again. Really really funny, but again with reference to a big one. A 10"-er as it happens.

It was an incongruous fact in the middle of this wildly amusing email, so again, I really paid it no mind.

But the following morning, I saw another email from him complete with 2 attachments. I could vaguely make out the shape even when they were 1/2" big. Oh no you di'nt I thought. But, oh yes he did. I donned my glasses for a better look.

Two close ups of a giant willie. A 10 incher for sure.

I wrote back "I am confident I can fit that in my apartment, but that's about it".

The end. (Ha ha, inadvertent funny)

Actually, there's a bit more. What possessed him? That's the part I don't get. He'd mentioned that he had a big schlong. I guess I'd ignored this boast, or confession since one that size might pose more than a few problems, but I hadn't asked to see it. I mean, where does one go from there? "Come on over and I'll sit on it" maybe? Let's meet for a drink is suddenly charged with visions of fountains of ejaculate. To me anyway. As far as I was concerned, it was a photo-sending version of Tourettes - an inexplicable outburst in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation.

The great big dick I could have tried to get over (groan) but he weirded me out and I offended him and now his profile is turned off.

Shame, he was a funny guy and, like I said, you don't meet many of them in these parts...