My husband and I bought a certain game about a certain hedgehog being unleashed. We were playing Tails' Tornado Quick Time Event when suddenly I felt something like a gas bubble travel gently up my spine and pop in my brain. After that, a numbness spread to the tips of my fingers and I thought I would never feel happy, angry or sad ever again.
I realised I was wrong when an acquaintance on Facebook mourned his return to work and I automatically replied with, “Sonic Unleashed is worse than syphilis.”
I've decided it would benefit me to stay indoors until I can be sure I won't respond to greetings/questions from retail clerks, doctors and policemen in the same manner.
I guess I was taken in by the infamous Sonic Cycle, which is interesting because I thought I was aware of the writing on the wall after Sonic Adventure 2. This is the first time in ages I've given the Blue Streak a moment to redeem himself in my eyes.
Sure enough, Sonic ran in and only had time to belt out “HEY, WATCH THI--” before he tripped, hit the ground at 300 MPH and exploded.
Oh, Sonic, Sonic. Why are you so helpless to realise what's good for you? I knew to expect the werehog stages, fifteen minutes apiece of bad beat-em-up drudgery. When I first brought Sonic Unleashed home, I had decided that I would just belt my way through the werehoggery, because the gorgeous scenery in the run-run-run stages is worth it.
But I can't overlook the unskippable biplane mini-game torture. It's bad enough someone decided Sonic needs to shoot down airborne robots using a gun turret (Super-Sonicing through airborne robots is acceptable), but it's inexcusable that you can only defend by pressing buttons in the right order. If I were a pigeon or a hamster in a cage, I might think the button-mashing event is cool. Unfortunately, it so happens I'm a pissed-off human being.
Sonic Unleashed apologists (Oh God, how can they possibly exist) put their hands on their hips and say, “Well, you push coloured buttons in Guitar Hero, right?”
Yes, and I can choose how fast and how frequent I want those button cues to fly at me. Sonic Unleashed gets you warmed up then throws so many colours/letters at you at once that it's a wonder your brain doesn't seize up.
Furthermore, I am rewarded with cool music when I don't screw up Guitar Hero. My reward for getting to the end of Sonic Unleashed's biplane hell is a ridiculous boss battle.
Furthermore, if I'm not having fun with a particular song in Guitar Hero, I can opt to skip it and try another, since I don't need to play every single song to move on. When you decide that you're not having fun as a missile target in Sonic Unleashed, well, it sucks to be you. If you don't finish the minigame, you don't move on.
What really makes me want to grab handfuls of my hair and scream is Sonic Team's assurance that they “got it” this time around. “We know what the fans want,” they said.
Sega, It's time to check the water cooler for lead, or to consult a Priest to exorcise the memory-stunting demon that's drifting around the office because Sonic Unleashed isn't just a mediocre attempt at reviving Sonic. It is a bad game. It is damn near unplayable.
The first step to a real revival would involve Sega having enough confidence to let Sonic run on his own. On. His. Own. No shitty friends.
“But--”
Nope.
“Chip isn't--”
None.
Related Links:
Sonic Unleashed is Filled With Lies
Sonic Unleashed's Silver Lining
Trailer Review: Sonic Unleashed