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61 Frames Per Second

When Tiger Handhelds Ruined Hope and Birthdays

Posted by Nadia Oxford

I grew up in a recession that echoes these days of cheer and plenty to a certain degree. One key difference is that parents in the '80s were less likely to risk riding the credit bronco. If there was no money to get you the latest tech toy, you damn well weren't getting the latest tech toy.

That's why some lucky kids had Nintendo and other kids had to settle for Tiger's Electronic Handhelds.

Topless Robot has a gallery of the 10 Most Worthless Tiger Electronic Handheld Games. You risked receiving these little beeping plastic bricks if you asked for a Nintendo game that had a Tiger counterpart. For a fraction of the cartridge price, you could play a fraction of the game.

Topless Robot correctly emphasises that it wasn't so bad to unwrap some generic Tiger football game, or some kind of nameless Ninja adventure. It was the “adaptations” that caused you to wipe your eyes and nose on your sleeve when mom wasn't looking. It shouldn't have been legal to let Tiger adapt Sonic the Hedgehog if the company knew from the start that the stupid animal was only going to be capable of running in place.

There should be a Wall of Names erected for the brave children who remained hopeful through their disappointment and convinced themselves—for however few seconds—that the Mega Man III Tiger game was just as fulfilling as the NES cartridge. That's what their grandmothers told them when they opened their present, and everyone knows grandma never lies.

The Topless Robot article also includes commercial footage. Most of them have faded from my memory, but I remember thinking that the ad for Tiger's Aladdin was stupid. “If you defeat Jafar and free Jasmine, you win!” You mean I don't win if Jafar turns into a giant cobra and bites me in the eye?



Related Links:

Where is the PSP?
iPhone Owners are Gamers, Idiots
How Sony Can Save the PSP in 2009


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Comments

Roto13 said:

I'd kind of like to start a little collection of these things. Nostalgia is fun.

January 13, 2009 10:32 PM

anonymous said:

I used to have this one! They all sucked ass, but when you're a kid you play it anyway. These were the absolute worst games ever. 61fps? How about 1fps? I wish that was a joke. Sadly, it's not.

January 14, 2009 10:29 PM

Brandon said:

I actually owned the Mega Man 2 handheld.  We were on vacation and stopped in a town to rest.  There was a toys-r-us and I saw the thing and was completely enchanted.  My parents promised to buy me it for the trip, but first we had to go to the theater and watch City Slickers.

It was one of the two longest movies I ever had to sit through (Fiddler on the Roof being the other).

Then I got the thing, played it, and remember almost nothing about it other than that the dragon was in it.

Then I lost it or it was stolen shortly after and I was crushed.  I'm glad to know that it was no great loss.

January 19, 2009 6:35 PM

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about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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