The world’s worst fears are true: you need to take drugs to play Grand Theft Auto. The only way to get the most out of your time in Liberty City is to eat ecstasy, let the chemical take hold, and swim in an ocean of thick joy as you wreak impossible acts of havoc on the digital world’s citizens. I’m sorry I’m stealing your car, I need it right now, but I looooove you, man. Just the way it is, I guess. Bold choice, Rockstar! I kid. It was no doubt an unpleasant surprise for Richard Thornhill, a father of two, to open his recently purchased copy of GTA and find four mysterious pills sitting in the game’s case. I can’t imagine the confusion and fear. My god, what have I touched? Is this poison?
There’s nothing more noisome than someone telling you that drugs of any stripe enhance an experience. Oh man, you can’t listen to Dark Side of the Moon if you aren’t stoned, man. Shut up. You’re a moron. I would, however, be a liar if I said that I haven’t had a marvelous time playing videogames while using illicit substances. Yes, like President Obama, I too inhaled during the heady days of my youth. Amongst other things. Let us take a brief stroll down memory lane. I will be your pharmacological guide across the gaming landscape.
For the record, you don’t need to eat ecstasy to play Grand Theft Auto. That is, unless you’re British.
Marijuana and Resident Evil 4
I don’t like pot anymore. I find it to be, as Warren Ellis described LSD, abrasively psychological. It makes me feel stupid and completely out of control of my own brain. Back when, though, I found THC’s sloppy haze of goodwill and creativity very pleasant. It was never conducive to anything that requires paying attention, though. With one exception. A few puffs of Maple Leaf Indica before I fired up Resident Evil 4 for the very first time made a memorable game beginning an unforgettable claustrophobic terror. The first time I took control of Leon Kennedy, the camera was so uncomfortably close to him that it felt like I was there peeking over his shoulder. No, Leon don’t go in there! Let’s get the hell out of this forest! There are demon Spaniards everywhere!
Alcohol and Burnout Paradise
Drunk driving is one of the stupidest, most detestable things a human being can do. If you’ve had a drink, don’t even get into the driver seat of a car. You can’t operate it. You will hurt someone. If you want a quick lesson in what will happen, fire up Burnout Paradise next time one drink’s turned into three. The game’s already about terrifying reckless vehicular feats, but the shock of colliding with a wall while intoxicated is outrageous. You can’t help but laugh as your cheeks flush. That was freaking TERRIFYING!
Ecstasy and Duck Tales
MDMA is dangerous stuff. It leaves you exhausted. Even more dangerous because everything you’ve 
ever heard about its effects are true. It feels very good. The flood of serotonin into your system fills you up with a powerful and irresistible feeling of intimacy with everything and lends even the most mundane experience a nigh on spiritual level of profundity. Much as playing Capcom’s Duck Tales does. Sensing a good thing, I mixed the two. Scrooge McDuck’s happy greed became a desperate struggle to hold on to everything in the world because it just meant so much. You think the Moon theme was bittersweet before? Whew. Yeah, ecstasy made Duck Tales a moving spiritual journey. That’s why I don’t do ecstasy anymore.
Nutmeg and The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time
I like to think of myself as the kind of guy who will try anything twice. Life’s meant for living, right? That’s what Chicken Soup for the Disaffected Urbanite says at least. Truth is I’m pretty meek, afraid of new experiences and change. Sometimes, you just have to roll with it. Like when I found out that nutmeg — you know, the spice — can be used as a psychotropic. Uh huh. There’s a reason you don’t put more than a sprinkle of the stuff on your eggnog. Not 
because it induces a hallucinatory state for close to twelve hours, and not because it’ll make you incapable of pooping for a day, but because it tastes like god damn turpentine. Eaten in large quantities though it can and will make you feel like you are TRAVELLING THROUGH TIME. There’s only one thing for it under those conditions. You must become the Hero of Time. Obviously.
Related links:
GWI: Gaming While Intoxicated
Boy Addicted to Call of Duty 4 Found Dead
The Duck Tales Moon Theme--With Lyrics
OST: DuckTales