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• Japan Scares Me: Final Fantasy VII's Tifa in Tifatan X

  Final Fantasy VII did not become famous because it was a good game. JRPGs did not grow out of their comfortable niche because of that game. No, both game and genre hit big thanks to Tifa Lockhart. They boomed because of bazooms, became massive thanks to mammaries, and were triumphant due to tits. I’ve floated this theory here on 61 Frames Per Second before, but it bears repeating, if for no other reason than most folks, whether they admit it or not, tend to click on any internet link related to breasts. The breasts in question do not need to be too large, too small, or even in a moment of Goldilocks-esque serendipity, just right. They simply need to be breasts. Of course, today I have a perfectly logical reason beyond this truth. Today I discovered Tifatan X. Were Tifatan X ever going to make the trip to North American shores, an appropriate re-titling would be Kung Boob. The game is an explicit homage to Irem’s side-scrolling classic Spartan-X, better known here as NES launch title Kung Fu. It stars, as you may have already deduced, Final Fantasy VII’s Tifa Lockhart. The actually play is just the same as Spartan-X’s, except you have a slightly expanded selection of moves and the dudes in purple you regularly defeat take more than one hit to dispatch. Tifatan X makes it into the Japan Scares Me category for a familiar reason. Can you guess? Surprise, it’s inappropriate sexual content! Read More... Posted Nov 03 2008, 04:00 PM by John Constantine with | with no comments Filed under: john constantine, final fantasy, hg101, kurt kalata, final fantasy vii, japan scares me, Tifa lockhart, tifatan x, Spartan x

• Up All Night: Power Blade

  Somewhere in upstate New York, on a chill night in April 1991, a television glows ominously in a family living room, illuminating the suburban setting in an uneasy, blue light. A boy sits before the television, knees tucked beneath him, with an NES pad in his hands. He is transfixed, his stare one that betrays nothing but a devoted concentration and perhaps a hint of desperation. This war against the despotic computer mainframe has gone on too long. It is taking its toll on his small mind. From upstairs comes a slow thumping, the sound of weary parental feet shuffling in the dark. A call rings out. “If I come down there and you’re still playing videogames, I’m going to throw that stupid box out the window.” A whisper. “Can’t talk. Final level.” “GO TO BED!” “No! No, I cannot go to bed! I must defeat these godless machines! I MUST STAY UP ALL NIGHT!” Yes, Friday’s Chiptune got me thinking about that true Up All Night classic, Power Blade. One of Guy Wearing Tank Top and Sweatpants’ last great hurrahs on the NES, Power Blade is, unlike some UAN candidates, a legitimately good game, chock full of tight platforming and robot murdering in the grand Mega Man tradition. It also has an interesting history: Power Blade actually started, as Kurt Kalata puts it, a literal Mega Man clone called Power Blazer. Read More... Posted Oct 27 2008, 06:30 PM by John Constantine with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, up all night, nes, taito, bad dudes, hg101, chiptune friday, mega man, square-enix, kurt kalata, power blade

• Bionic Commando Arcade and BC: Elite Forces Are Only Good Because They Are Called Bionic Commando

  Oh, Bionic Commando Rearmed. You are only six days away from me now, and yet, it seems as though eternity stands between us! Our love, pure as the driven snow, strains under this distance, this damnable time! I long for your mechanized embrace, the strength of your grappling hook grip. Ahem. Yeah, I love Bionic Commando. Everyone loves Bionic Commando. What most folks forget, though, is that they really mean they love Bionic Commando on NES. Yes, there are actually four Bionic Commando games out in the wild, three of which are just named “Bionic Commando”. Sadly, two of them suck. Kind of. Read More... Posted Aug 08 2008, 02:00 PM by John Constantine with | with no comments Filed under: john constantine, capcom, bionic commando, hg101, love

• Fifty-Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right

  It’s hard to overstate our love for Kurt Kalata’s Hardcore Gaming 101. Every time HG101 runs a new series retrospective, it makes me punch myself directly in the forehead while wondering either a) why didn’t I think of this or b) why have I never heard of this game before? Option b was the dominant thought while I was checking out the most recent update. HG101 contributor Jave has a look at the unlicensed Genesis and NES monstrosities known as Action 52. I’ve never heard of Active Enterprises’ Frankenstein Monsters before reading the piece, but now it’s a moral imperative I seek them out. Unlike the myriad bootleg NES and Genny game cartridges that jammed variable numbers of existing games into a single package, Action 52 is a collection of fifty-two originals, all of them apparently awful. The retrospective is a great read on its own but particularly interesting is the theory Jave floats in his introduction: terrible games lead to good games. Read More... Posted Jul 29 2008, 02:00 PM by John Constantine with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, nes, hg101, gears of war, genesis, dark sector, kill.switch, action 52

• OST: Soul Blazer

  As we've noted before, Kurt Kalata's Hardcore Gaming 101 is an invaluable resource, with thoughtful, graphic-heavy reviews of dozens of underappreciated games. I do have to take issue, though, with one of David DeRienzo's comments on the soundtrack to the poetic SNES classic Soul Blazer. "The dungeons have this crazy '80s synth thing going on. Some of them are slightly catchy, but most are just silly and cheesy to the point of being laughable. I was just waiting for Rick James to start singing during a few of them." Um, and? Read More... Posted Jun 04 2008, 03:00 PM by Peter Smith with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: peter smith, actraiser, ost, hg101, tim follin, soul blazer, spider-man and the x-men, kurt kalata, toejam and earl, david derienzo, funk, rick james, yukihide takekawa

• World WTF Federation: Wrestling Games?

  Kurt Kalata’s website Hardcore Gaming 101 is a weird space on the internet. It’s like if the Smithsonian, a flea market, and a miniature golf course arcade from 1985 all existed in the exact same space. It is an indispensable resource and is one of the most entertaining and important archival magazines on the net. The most recent update features a number of articles focused on wrestling games. Now, I have fairly eclectic taste in games. I’ll play anything if it seems interesting. But I do not understand the phenomenon of wrestling games. Broadly speaking, wrestling games – I’m talking Hulk Hogan style wrestling, not the Olympic sport – are the most complex games in existence, featuring a level of depth in control and strategy that I have trouble even verbalizing. The Japanese developer Spike’s Fire Pro Wrestling series is cited by many developers as one of the finest game franchises ever designed. I played the Playstation 2 sequel Fire Pro Wrestling Returns for about twenty minutes back in April and I had no damn clue what was going on. There are like thirty selectable referees! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH WRESLTING GAMES?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! Seriously, we want to know. Read More... Posted May 23 2008, 11:00 AM by John Constantine with | with 1 comment(s) Filed under: john constantine, hg101, fire pro wrestling, wwe