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  • Looks Great, Tastes Bad: The '90s and its Crop of Unbalanced Games

    "Earthworm Jim is on the Virtual Console today!" exclaims a message board thread somewhere in Gamer Town. In seconds, nostalgia draws traffic to the post like a purring queen draws kittens to the teat. "Oh, this game was so awesome," a poster named Billy declares. "They don't make games like this anymore."

    That's right, little Billy. They don't. I'm sort of glad about that because I don't think my heart can endure mass doses of disappointment anymore.

    Though Japanese games ruled the sixteen bit era, American developers were finding their legs as well. And oh, what a pair of legs they found. Games like Aladdin on the Genesis, The Lion King and Earthworm Jim looked and sounded brilliant. They are, in my opinion, still some of the best-looking games out there in spite of running on 24 megs of memory as opposed to today's standard of a hojillion gigabytes. I still love watching people play Earthworm Jim because the title has so much love and personality in every frame of animation.

    There's the rub: I like to watch (tee hee). I don't actually like to play Earthworm Jim--or Aladdin--or The Lion King--because the games are consistently and unfairly difficult, sometimes for the most baffling reasons. When Earthworm Jim fires his standard weapon, you can't see the spray of bullets. Even the lowliest of crows will dodge your invisible fire half the time despite being directly above you, but there's no possible way to correct your aim because you can't see where you're aiming.

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John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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