Yesterday, I followed a women down the street - as in walked behind her not as in stalked - and she was literally being propelled by her jeans.
They were so tight that as she moved one leg forward, the other one had no choice but to kind of slide along too. And then overtake, whilst the other one caught up.
Are you getting this visual? The same kind of tightness of jean that causes one to sit down kinda in one go, like a baby.
You may think this is a bad picture of my arse in jeans. An incomplete picture that is. In fact it is a photograph of our Christmas tree and a snowman toy. 5 year olds have an interesting take on composition.
Her jeans were too tight for sure. But that's not the problem. Because what else should jeans be on a chick if not tight? But, and here's the topic of my post...
The back rise was all wrong.
Yes good people - the rise. That's the length and curve of the fabric that joins one leg piece to the other. The seam along the crack of the arse to put it less delicately.
Chickie in question had given herself a mono-buttock.
And you're supposed to have two buttocks right? And not just because a matching pair of many things is appealing.
Oh no sirree -there's a design reason too...
You've got an arse crack to enhance motion. Check out arse crackness on your fellow (wo)man and you will discover that athletes have long arse cracks. Seriously - check it out.
And too tight jeans with a too short rise give rise to mono-buttock which gives rise to a not very appealing gait which gives rise too -
well nothing in fact. No one's going to get a hard on from a flat mono arse. No no no
Arses are supposed to be round. That's all I am saying.
Get yourself some tight jeans that accentuate the round of your arse and give you TWO arse cheeks. Not just one with a bit of a dent at the base.
But not those so-far-up-your-arse-that-you-can-practically-taste-your-undies jeans, but just a nice lift and separate. You know what I am talking about.
So check out your own trousers collection and make sure you're not sporting a mono-arse, because trust me, if you are, you're no fun to follow down the street.
But if you can't work a round one even in your 501's, here's my commiserations for that poor old flat behind you wound up with. Sorry 'bout those genes. Just keep taking the stairs.
And hereby ends my mono-buttock post.
Make sure you don't succumb to the mono-flat-bum.
Who is this man? I don't need to know remotely, unless someone can deliver him to me unwrapped for Christmas.
Here are some I made earlier:
How do you feel about penetration
I suck at internet dating
Zeitgeisty's Missing Man
Politics of Contraception
Turning into Zeitgeisty
Feeling my age
The real deal profile
In my bedroom one will find
Biggin it up
The facial hair pubic hair conundrum
The trouble with rich men
5 Things I am Thankful for
British Personal Ads
How do you like to be dumped?
Not much to do with dating
Duh!
Do you date aliens
Man's Best Friend