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Sex Machine: Biggin it up

Posted by airheadgenius

 In case you were planning to write to me:



If you even have the slightest tendency towards erectile dysfunction, don't tell me you're as hard as a rock and can keep it up all night.
And quit with the news that you can do every position in the Karma Sutra when you can only just touch your toes.
Save your cunning linguist claims if in reality, you just lap like a dog. It ain't ice cream.
Don't even talk to me about foot rubs and back massages if you have trouble opening a jam jar.
Please don't even talk about how big you are. 6" is a requirement not a boast.

(Don't cry for me too much - I've never got all of these at one go. Just casting my mind back over a few encounters)

Apparently I've got a few natural charms which have always been well received, I do my kegels like my life depends on it and, if I say so myself, my blowjobs are as sweet as sweet can be, but beyond that I don't claim to be a sexual super woman. I have an ordinary body, my back and hamstrings got bollixed years ago and consequently I am not very bendy and a lot of the stuff I read on Hooksexup leaves me cold. I don't get off on having my face slapped or my nipples electrocuted. To me, it's like eating peas with chopsticks. Sure, I can do it, but I really don't see the point.

One of my real life (as opposed to blog persona) traits is that I am hugely optimistic and I tend to take people at their word. Plus, I don't do well with disappointment. There is nothing worse than thinking you're in for some quality boning only to find you've been sold a pup.

In short, please don't claim extravagant sexual prowess if you can't deliver.
I don't expect normal humans to have special powers.
Regular will do.

 

Ben Harper 

 

Here are some I made earlier:
The facial hair pubic hair conundrum
The trouble with rich men
5 Things I am Thankful for
British Personal Ads
How do you like to be dumped?
Not much to do with dating
Duh!
Do you date aliens"
Man's Best Friend
How do you like your foreskin?
Why do men love breasts?
Who pays?
What if?
Have you ever been experienced?
Surprise! I'm Pregnant!
Dogs and Dating
Erectile Dysfunction
Daddy's Girl
I need a Frenchman
What I want
The Fart Edition
Fisting and small snatches


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted Dec 01 2008, 11:46 PM
Filed under: , , , , , , ,

Comments

tearsofacid said:

haha!  I never understood why people would hype up their sexual prowess when eveyone knows the truth comes out within the first 30 sec in bed : )  its like claiming you can speak Hindi and then being called out on it. hahaha!

December 2, 2008 12:20 AM

Mahrya said:

I'm a big believer in the "under promise, over deliver" method. Managing expectations is key.

December 2, 2008 12:45 AM

MikeC said:

Wow... I will never claim to be such especially with you. You definitely seem to spot a phony before the shit comes out of mouth. Are any fibs/lies/bended truths allowed?

December 2, 2008 12:50 AM

recycledbrooklyn said:

HA HA HA!!!  I can do things that soooo many men can't do!

Check this out!  

I

CAN

HOLD

A

JOB

!!!!!!

December 2, 2008 5:18 AM

zeitgeisty said:

This works both ways!... Many a time I've heard the hyper-sexual banter only to be boondoggled in a morass of mediocre pussy.

December 2, 2008 10:03 AM

zeitgeisty said:

oh yeah.. and those cock-a-doodle doo undies are disturbing.

December 2, 2008 10:04 AM

airheadgenius said:

Man, when are you 'orrible lot going to start speaking English??? "sold a pup", the explanation:

A man buys a working dog. He makes his purchase only to discover that the dog is in fact a puppy which is no use to him. Pups are for play. Dogs mean business.

Start calling it American fachrissakes

December 2, 2008 10:18 AM

zeitgeisty said:

To whom is this rant addressed? It's gone over my American head.

December 2, 2008 10:52 AM

airheadgenius said:

tears - like the time I pretended to be Swedish. I shoulda had my friend say I was a Swedish mute. That show could've run and run. People have to think these things through in other words.

mahrya - exactly right. Why peak too soon?

MikeC - if you claim a 6 and are sporting a 7, then yep, bring it on. Otherwise, keep schtum.

recycled - and you even bring your wallet on dates. What a man.

zeit - boondoggled? The mind boggles. Mine is picturing you swimming around like a little spec in a big ol pussy swamp. It's not a pleasant image.

zeit2 - you'd kill for a pair of those cockadoodle undies.

zeit3 - that was not a rant. It was an infomercial. Now run along and do some work before you get canned. Don't you know there's a recession on??

December 2, 2008 11:17 AM

recycledbrooklyn said:

The truth of the matter is, it's not always the size of the wallet.  It's knowing how to use it... ya know?  Though I can imagine that exceptionally small wallets aren't much fun.  

December 2, 2008 6:46 PM

rinaldi said:

did you actually agree to go on a date with someone who said "i'm as hard as a rock and can keep it up all night." ???

December 3, 2008 9:29 PM

airheadgenius said:

rinaldi - I most certainly did not!

December 3, 2008 10:24 PM

LydiaSarah said:

How about don't claim anything at all? Personally, I'm a believer in show, don't tell. I've always found it kind of a tacky turn-off when a man brags about his sexual prowess. But sometimes I gave a braggart a shot anyway and this is what I have found: Just as a man who makes a big point of playing up  what a sensitive, "nice guy" he is is usually actually a disingenuous tool, a man who brags about how good he is at giving head is similarly disappointing. (Also, the two types seem to be related.) The guys who have really rocked my universe didn't feel the need to toot their own horns beforehand.

As a note to zeitgeisty, yes, it does indeed go both ways. I'm consistent. My blowjobs have also received rave reviews but I don't open my mouth about it until it's time to actually open my mouth. If I'm not planning on going to bed with a guy, he doesn't need to know I'm great at it, and if I am planning on going to bed with a guy, he will be made aware of my talents in due time, in a much more fun way.

Gotta keep it classy.

December 4, 2008 12:11 AM

CONFESSION OF THE DAY

CONFESS HERE!

ABOUT THE BLOG

DATE MACHINE explores the triumphs and tragedies of your dating confessions. Look here for commentary, dating advice, and our own salacious (or ridiculous) dating stories.

OUR BLOGGERS

FishnetsAndLight

Professional Dominatrix, lapsed English major and token black chick extraordinaire. I'm also a great big perv. Bend over.

Location:New York, New York
Looking for: Those who aren't too afraid.

Zeitgeisty

I'm an existentialist trapped in the body of a rational humanist. I've got a penchant for misanthropy and a flair for the obvious. I'm quick with a joke or a light up your smoke, but there's someplace that I'd rather be. I'm Zeitgeisty, pleased to meet me I'm sure.

Location: Somewhere on the isle of Manhattan...
Looking for: A shining good deed in a weary world...

Airheadgenius

I am a fish out of water - an opinionated cheeky smiling English chick in a land of larger than life Americans. I don't understand the culture. I don't understand asking if we're exclusive. I don't understand this weird practice of decapitating penises. Some days I am definitely MILF material. Other days I feel more like the material on the inside of yer grannys' handbag.

Location: Brooklyn
Looking for: A stunning socialist with a propensity to pick winning lottery numbers

amboabe

I'm a smart ass writer who'll argue your ear off, hold your hand close, and tell you the truth whenever. I'm a fool and a hero, a confessional soul, and lover of life in every conceivably absurd way that it can come. I also paint my toenails.

Location: San Francisco
Looking for: A sail, not an anchor.

spjv840

Slightly neurotic, over-analyzing girl..err, woman, with too much charm for the average person to handle. Has a fondness for red wine, cheap beer and a good time.

Location: The Igloo, Canada
Looking for: Nothing mediocre

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