I've got nothing today. No dates to report, due to being too busy with kid's birthdays and such, and no massively opinionated opinions on any given topic, plus quite drunk at this point (wrote frunk the first time if that's any indication) and so am merely regurgitating an email sent to me by a friend earlier. Fire me if you will, oh beautiful Hooksexup bosses, for I am not being original in the least...
These are what my friend got when she googled "british singles"
I may expand, when sober, on the difference between my people and your people, but for now suffice it to say that I find them amusing and you lot may not.
(you have no idea how many times I've had to hit delete this due to drunken typing errors. A+ for effort airheadgenius)
"I begin each sexual performance with a tympani roll. I find it steadies the ship. Less than buoyant canal-boat dweller, amateur percussionist and bon viveur (M, 57) seeks not-easily intimidated woman to 55 with no small knowledge of crank-shaft engines, blue-note fades and behaviour-correcting medicines. Box no. 12/03."
"Some incidents in life are blacked-out for a reason. Much as I shudder to recall an incident at Dulwich in 1968 involving a goose, a penny whistle and the local priest, so you will probably twist in the wind whenever, in years to come, you are forced to relate a tale about how you once replied to a personal advert in a flurry of mis-placed appreciation for what you regarded at the time as a heightened and sophisticated sense of irony. Man, 40. Hates geese. And priests. And whistling. Box no. 12/05."
"This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no. 12/08."
"This advert may well be the Cadillac of all lonely hearts adverts, but its driver is the arthritic granddad with a catalogue of driving convictions. Arthritic granddad (67) with a catalogue of driving convictions including 'Driving whilst trying to turn the dang wipers off,' 'Driving whilst wondering if his urology appointment has come through,' and 'Driving whilst "Hey! Isn't that where your aunt Maude's first husband lived after the divorce came through? He's settled in Jersey now. I could never stand him - he used to do this thing with his teeth." ' WLTM someone who knows how to stop the oven timer from beeping. Box no. 01/01."
"Don't listen to your inner voice in matters of the heart! Especially if your inner voice tells you to check his outgoing message box for evidence of a wife or ask why he always needs to be on the last train to Stafford instead of just staying the night. It's a simple rule, but it's a rule that will give us many happy - if somewhat tawdry - experiences together. Man, 38. Not in the slightest bit married. Remember that. Box no. 01/05."
"To the guy with the wild grey hair and thin pony tail and bow-tie and white socks and chewed copy of Rimbaud and the lisp and excessive spittle and over-use of the word 'platitudes' and faint odour of taco meat who will no doubt reply to this advert much like he's replied to every other advert I've ever placed in here: 'Eccentric' is only a favourable adjective when it's wrapped in an attractive package or earns over œ200,000 a year and owns a holiday retreat in Tuscany. Other LRB-reading men should also note this. Replies from 'normals' or the stupidly rich only please to woman, 45, currently down to 37 seconds on her 'tolerance of idiots' meter. Box no. 01/08."
"My last husband was a loser. If you're not a loser please reply. Woman, 40. Incredibly simple criteria. Box no. 01/09."
Today's daily knob is just a big old anonymous schlong.
Here are some I made earlier:
How do you like to be dumped?
Not much to do with dating
Duh!
Do you date aliens"
Man's Best Friend
How do you like your foreskin?
Why do men love breasts?
Who pays?
What if?
Have you ever been experienced?
Surprise! I'm Pregnant!
Dogs and Dating
Erectile Dysfunction
Daddy's Girl
I need a Frenchman
What I want
The Fart Edition
Fisting and small snatches
How bloggers date
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour