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The Angry Video Game Nerd Says a Bad Word: Deadly Towers

Posted by Nadia Oxford

Sons and Daughters of the 8-bit Gods, it is time. The Angry Video Game Nerd has summoned the power of his inner heart and our contributed swears to bark back at the evil that eclipsed our Nintendos so long ago: Deadly Towers.

Note that the audio on this movie is Not Safe For Work in any regard. Things get pretty raunchy at record speed.

Personally, I think I would have preferred a complete review instead of a bunch of strung-together swears, however foul (wait, I am talking about the Angry Video Game Nerd, right?). Deadly Towers is a game that doesn't come by often. It's as rare as Dracula's centennial resurrection and fifty times more frightening. Most "bad" games are merely mediocre, or they fail for very obvious reasons like making the controller come to life and bite you on the thumb. You say to yourself, "This game is an unfair piece of crap" and you throw it out the window in good conscience.

But when you play Deadly Towers, your brain goes numb. You know you're playing a terrible game, but you're helpless to turn away. It's like those nightmare stories about paralysed patients waking up on the operating table and lying frozen while the scalpel cuts into them.

When you turn on Deadly Towers, you're subject to a long and rambling story that's obviously been translated by apes with twisted optic Hooksexups. The graphics are grey and washed-out. The challenge is indescribably hard and the bonging MIDI music will drive you naked into the street, brandishing a butcher knife. But a lot of NES games can be described as grey, forgettable adventures that are difficult to navigate. Somehow, Deadly Towers takes all these adorable traits, amplifies them by a thousand and throws them all together to mate in an orgy of flying cock-swords that stab you in the ear twenty times before you begin to fathom what's going on.

In other words, the Nerd has put up with a lot in the past by playing all the way through games that no one wants to touch. It's obvious he couldn't bring himself to pass Deadly Towers' initial Pit of Horror and Dispair (aka Level One) and I'm not about to hold that against him.

Related Links:

Periphery: Angry Video Game Nerd Edition
The Nerd Needs You!
Wow, Superman 64 Really Was Terrible


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

Comments

John H. said:

I HAVE FINISHED DEADLY TOWERS, UNAIDED.

Yes, that's right.  I have no life.  (It's actually rather fun once you get into it, and build your weapons to the point where you can actually kill things.  It certainly is a challenge though.)

August 25, 2008 6:24 PM

John H. said:

Now that I've watched the video....

Wow.  TAVGN's schtick gets old fast, doesn't it?

August 25, 2008 6:37 PM

Nadia Oxford said:

That really wasn't one of his better ones. AVGN is very hit-and-miss. For a hit, look up his Atari pornography coverage.

August 25, 2008 7:00 PM

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about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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