Sons and Daughters of the 8-bit Gods, it is time. The Angry Video Game Nerd has summoned the power of his inner heart and our contributed swears to bark back at the evil that eclipsed our Nintendos so long ago: Deadly Towers.
Note that the audio on this movie is Not Safe For Work in any regard. Things get pretty raunchy at record speed.
Personally, I think I would have preferred a complete review instead of a bunch of strung-together swears, however foul (wait, I am talking about the Angry Video Game Nerd, right?). Deadly Towers is a game that doesn't come by often. It's as rare as Dracula's centennial resurrection and fifty times more frightening. Most "bad" games are merely mediocre, or they fail for very obvious reasons like making the controller come to life and bite you on the thumb. You say to yourself, "This game is an unfair piece of crap" and you throw it out the window in good conscience.
But when you play Deadly Towers, your brain goes numb. You know you're playing a terrible game, but you're helpless to turn away. It's like those nightmare stories about paralysed patients waking up on the operating table and lying frozen while the scalpel cuts into them.
When you turn on Deadly Towers, you're subject to a long and rambling story that's obviously been translated by apes with twisted optic Hooksexups. The graphics are grey and washed-out. The challenge is indescribably hard and the bonging MIDI music will drive you naked into the street, brandishing a butcher knife. But a lot of NES games can be described as grey, forgettable adventures that are difficult to navigate. Somehow, Deadly Towers takes all these adorable traits, amplifies them by a thousand and throws them all together to mate in an orgy of flying cock-swords that stab you in the ear twenty times before you begin to fathom what's going on.
In other words, the Nerd has put up with a lot in the past by playing all the way through games that no one wants to touch. It's obvious he couldn't bring himself to pass Deadly Towers' initial Pit of Horror and Dispair (aka Level One) and I'm not about to hold that against him.
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