Register Now!

Media

  • scanner scanner
  • scanner screengrab
  • modern materialist the modern
    materialist
  • video 61 frames
    per second
  • video the remote
    island

Photo

  • slice slice with
    giovanni
    cervantes
  • paper airplane crush paper
    airplane crush
  • autumn blog autumn
  • chase chase
  • rose &amp olive rose & olive
Scanner
Your daily cup of WTF?
ScreenGrab
The Hooksexup Film Blog
Slice
Each month a new artist; each image a new angle. This month: Giovanni Cervantes.
ScreenGrab
The Hooksexup Film Blog
Autumn
A fashionable L.A. photo editor exploring all manner of hyper-sexual girls down south.
The Modern Materialist
Almost everything you want.
Paper Airplane Crush
A San Francisco photographer on the eternal search for the girls of summer.
Rose & Olive
Houston neighbors pull back the curtains and expose each other's lives.
chase
The creator of Supercult.com poses his pretty posse.
The Remote Island
Hooksexup's TV blog.
61 Frames Per Second
Smarter gaming.

61 Frames Per Second

I Will Defeat You, Altered Beast

Posted by Nadia Oxford

It took a while for the Sega Genesis to peel kids' grimy fingers off their NES controllers. The NES had Castlevania, Mega Man, Ninja Gaiden and its pantheon of Mario games. The Genesis had, well, Altered Beast.

Every time I play Altered Beast, I use explicatives I never new existed in my inner dictionary. “F this game! F its mom! Grrr! No wonder nobody liked the Genesis until Sonic the Hedgehog!

Kids, can you point out what's wrong with that previous paragraph? Hint: ”Every time I play Altered Beast...”

I can't even give you a count of how many years I've been trying to beat Sega's classic. My efforts have doubled since I acquired Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection for the Xbox 360, but no dice. Incidentally, I have beaten the arcade version, also included on the Genesis Collection—but that's with the aid of unlimited and accessible continues. On my honour, I will finish Altered Beast on the Genesis with no cheats. This will surely please God more than contributing food or hours of boring volunteer services to the needy.

Why do I keep going back for some Altered Beast punishment? The graphics are laughable, the music is tinny, and an auto-scrolling beat-em-up is pretty much the worst idea ever—but changing into anthromorphic beasts is just so cool, I can't stop doing it. A wolf, a dragon, a tiger, a bear...if Zeus ever woke me up from eternal rest to save his daughter, he'd better damn well give me the option of turning into Nature's pro wrestlers.

I also like the way the zombies explode into bloody chunks if you so much as tap them with your foot. Additionally, there is something gratifying about grabbing a power orb and hearing Zeus declare, “Power. Up.” as your guy's bulging muscles shred his, em, toga. He even stops fighting long enough to throw you a sultry look. Too bad 16-bit technology was so limited; the only sensible follow-up to that look is a dance number by some inflated pecs.

I will continue to do what I must in order to finish this game legitimately. I've already wisen from my gwave about a hundred times. What's a hundred more?

Related Links:

Alternate Soundtrack: Altered Beast vs Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Confessions of the Young and Stupid: I Almost Bought a Genesis for Moonwalker
Ecco the Dolphin: Was This Game Ever Considered Fun?


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

Comments

AlexB said:

Be prepared for the GREATEST GAME ENDING of ALL TIME.

April 8, 2009 12:45 AM

epenthesis said:

Oh, man. I'd make fun except I'd have to admit that I gave up on Castlevania in bitter, bitter disgust. And Bubble Bobble. And Final Fantasy. And Final Fantasy X. And Final Fantasy XII. And I'll shut up now.

April 8, 2009 1:34 AM

Roto13 said:

Closet furry imo

April 8, 2009 1:52 AM

in

Archives

about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


Send tips to


Tags

VIDEO GAMES


partners