It took a while for the Sega Genesis to peel kids' grimy fingers off their NES controllers. The NES had Castlevania, Mega Man, Ninja Gaiden and its pantheon of Mario games. The Genesis had, well, Altered Beast.
Every time I play Altered Beast, I use explicatives I never new existed in my inner dictionary. “F this game! F its mom! Grrr! No wonder nobody liked the Genesis until Sonic the Hedgehog!”
Kids, can you point out what's wrong with that previous paragraph? Hint: ”Every time I play Altered Beast...”
I can't even give you a count of how many years I've been trying to beat Sega's classic. My efforts have doubled since I acquired Sonic's Ultimate Genesis Collection for the Xbox 360, but no dice. Incidentally, I have beaten the arcade version, also included on the Genesis Collection—but that's with the aid of unlimited and accessible continues. On my honour, I will finish Altered Beast on the Genesis with no cheats. This will surely please God more than contributing food or hours of boring volunteer services to the needy.
Why do I keep going back for some Altered Beast punishment? The graphics are laughable, the music is tinny, and an auto-scrolling beat-em-up is pretty much the worst idea ever—but changing into anthromorphic beasts is just so cool, I can't stop doing it. A wolf, a dragon, a tiger, a bear...if Zeus ever woke me up from eternal rest to save his daughter, he'd better damn well give me the option of turning into Nature's pro wrestlers.
I also like the way the zombies explode into bloody chunks if you so much as tap them with your foot. Additionally, there is something gratifying about grabbing a power orb and hearing Zeus declare, “Power. Up.” as your guy's bulging muscles shred his, em, toga. He even stops fighting long enough to throw you a sultry look. Too bad 16-bit technology was so limited; the only sensible follow-up to that look is a dance number by some inflated pecs.
I will continue to do what I must in order to finish this game legitimately. I've already wisen from my gwave about a hundred times. What's a hundred more?
Related Links:
Alternate Soundtrack: Altered Beast vs Natalie Portman's Shaved Head
Confessions of the Young and Stupid: I Almost Bought a Genesis for Moonwalker
Ecco the Dolphin: Was This Game Ever Considered Fun?