Register Now!

Date Machine

Date Machine: The female (airheadgenius) Fart Edition

Posted by airheadgenius

 

 

Farts are funny. (I agree with Zeitgeisty's post on that at least)

On some basic instinctive level that is. Just let one go in front of a couple 4 year olds and then sit back and watch then laugh hard for 5 minutes straight.
Arse farts, armpit farts, chair skidding across the floor farts, raspberries, loud car horns.
All uproariously funny.
Someone floats a biscuit in a 1st grade classroom and you practically have to take a fire hose to the children to stop them giggling.

But, aged around 7, the natural bi product of ones digestive system becomes part of the male domain.
Boy farts are funny in a cool way. Girl farts not so much.

One could take a feminist stance and declare that whatever's good for the goose is good for the gander and begin to let rip at every opportunity.
But is that really desirable?

I've a friend who has been married for 15 years and partnered to the same guy for over 20. They remain in love. Happily happily married even after 2 children. It's not just spin - the looks that these two exchange could make even the most cynical amongst you cry. They still romance each other, still go on dates and "as far as he is concerned, I don't shit".

I can categorically state to every man I have dated and will date that I have no interest whatsoever in your bowels. None.
If you are sick and I love you, then I will take care of you, but spare me the details.

Once someone starts telling me about their digestive system, I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with them.

I fully understand that in some respects, this is a shared intimacy and a mark of one's comfort level, but it is surely not the only way to express that?
Exchanging deepest fears or extravagant hopes is much more of a meaningful exchange than inhaling your lovers methane.

Getting sick and throwing up and having someone hold back your hair can kinda be weirdly sexy. Maybe that one is sexy because your man, or woman, didn't dip out at the first sign of trouble. A keeper is the one that literally is there in sickness and in health.

Maybe a relationship can be too comfortable? If there are no holds barred as far as decorum goes, doesn't it start to feel like room mates rather than lovers? Even a few years down the line, isn't it possible to maintain a little air of mystery?

There are moments in a long term relationship where your comfort levels are taken to whole new heights - like childbirth for example. Where you can be in front of your partner, leaking from every orifice and really not care what you look like or smell like. I can't even describe that level of intimacy - it's a strange mix of incredible vulnerability wrapped up with incredible strength. After that kind of experience, why ever keep anything to yourself? Why not take a crap whilst he's in the shower? You've been through more than that together haven't you?

Why not? Because it's just not sexy. I will go to my grave in lingerie not granny pants and will keep my bowel shenanigans to myself.

In short, intimacy is sexy. Farts are not.

(Well, unless you hang out with 4 and 6 year olds that is) 

 

 

The obligatory back catalogue:
Fisting and small snatches
How bloggers date
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour
Rate my Profile
My kink is better than your kink
The good the bad and the ugly
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Hooksexup Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

 

 

 

On stage and in videos, Richard Ashcroft is a sexy beast. In still shots, he looks like a zombie, but you can't have everything now can you?

Particularly sexy violin intro... 


 




+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted Oct 22 2008, 06:45 AM
Filed under: , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments

airheadgenius said:

Incidentally, I am a fan of decorous behaviour when NOT having sex. During sex, all bets are off. Although please don't fart.

October 22, 2008 7:47 AM

zeitgeisty said:

hilarious that you have a still from mr. margorium's wonder emporium, as that movie is a total cinematic FART...  maybe the worst movie of all time...

I think it's silly to have thi faux decorum.. .people fart...  can't be swept under a rug... jut open your nostrils and inhale the parfum...

October 22, 2008 9:13 AM

shakti_vos said:

i had a first date with someone who just couldn't help but share with me his troubles with Irritable Bowel Syndrome over dinner.  i'm pretty fearless (you know what i do for a living) but i do think that information is strictly "need to know" not first date dinner conversation material.

October 22, 2008 9:29 AM

fishnetsandlight said:

I used to feel the same way... but once you've made being sexy your actual bread-and-butter job, it's hard to be bothered about it at home. It's actually reassuring to me that my boyfriend isn't feeling disgusted by (or fetishizing) my bodily functions: it separates him from men on the street and clients. They see an object and/or an untouchable Mistress. I just want to be a person when I go home.

October 22, 2008 11:39 AM

dvaleriey said:

I am in a fart-free relationship.  The size, shape, and consistency of my true love's defecation is also a mystery.  Once, a tiny repressed wind squeaked from my clenched cheeks with a sound only audible to dogs but a scent most foul.  I put my hand on my boyfriend's chest, "Oh, sweetie, you're quite the beast!"  He looked perplexed, "I didn't even feel that one."  I assured him I loved him even if he was a big ol' musk ox.  I don't feel our intimacy has suffered from gaseous suppression.  

October 22, 2008 11:42 AM

airheadgenius said:

zeit - people also have shit hemorrhages, stringy snot, bloody bogies (err, boogers??), toenail fungus etc etc. Just cos it happens, doesn't make it fun to share. At least not in all its dubious glory. And there's a world of difference between sneaking one out when you've got stomach ache and blasting out a symphony complete with "ta daaaaa".

shakti - oh god, I am with you. I am not remotely squeamish and years ago did auxiliary nursing - I've wiped more arses than I care to recall - but it doesn't make me want to tear anyones clothes off.

fishnets - oh my, your day and mine are so incredibly different! I can totally see that you'd want to hang when you get home. My day clients are high needs and need picking up after and my little kids are just 2 gorgeous bundles of body fluids, so I definitely need to have some sexy in my evenings whenever possible though.

October 22, 2008 12:14 PM

airheadgenius said:

dvalerley - you are absolutely priceless. Regular readers of my old blog will know that what is to follow is very rare and broken out on extremely auspicious occasions only, but it has to be done. Drum roll.... ROFLMAO!

October 22, 2008 12:16 PM

anathema_teatime said:

I guess it would be sort of comforting to be Zeitgeisty's girlfriend, knowing that he'd consider it a sign of his love to wipe your ass if you had diarrea, clean up your puke from the floor if you got drunk, let you pee in the laundry hamper like a cat if he was taking too long in the bathroom, and still find you sexy if you were covered in pustulent boils . . . hey, it's all natural. Not my cup of pus, but chacon a son gout and all that. Their house must smell lovely . . .

October 22, 2008 2:20 PM

airheadgenius said:

anathema - ewwww "not my cup of pus"???? did ya have to??

zeit - are you a puke cleaning arse wiping kinda guy?

October 22, 2008 3:06 PM

zeitgeisty said:

Yeah.. not at all... I have no idea how anathema has made the jump from horrible sickness to a light and airy fart...

I hardly see the equivelance between a fart and being covered in pustulent boils... That's just dumb.

October 22, 2008 3:13 PM

1Jemima said:

Airhead: agree with you on this one for sure

Fishnets: Can see your point of view. You'd want to have a clear break from the image you project in your working life.

Generally people want to be natural, pleasant and healthy amongst other things. If you're all that you wouldn't have loads of wind and if you got any you would remove yourself from others when it was emitted as a common consideration.

October 22, 2008 4:47 PM

recycledbrooklyn said:

Not many guys speaking out on this one so I'll weigh in.  I'm no priss by any stretch of the imagination but I just don't feel the need to share absolutely everything... I mean, accidents happen, but really... Butt really?

If the smell of shit were pleasant, we'd not bother shutting off the commode in a separate room, would we?  I don't need hers and she sure doesn't need mine.

Seems to me that guys who just let them fly whenever they need to are the ones that never got over mummy wiping their bottoms.  They're trying to recapture the same sort of intimacy they had with mommy.  It's disrespectful... like... hey, smell my shit!!! Ugh.  

Even between male friends... I was in the car with my buddy a couple weeks ago and he tore one off.  I asked him, was that really necessary?  

October 22, 2008 6:21 PM

venusinfurrrs said:

my boyfriend is a vegan, and along with that comes strangely smelly bouts of gut trouble. At first I was grossed out, and ridiculed him for allowing that horrible stench into our lives, but now I most feel his pain-and try to be sweet about it, because it's really not something he can control.

I think the bottom line in this situation, is allowing your partner to be a human around you, but still trying to put your best self out there? I feel like total release of bodily functions signals that you're not trying anymore, or that you don't care.

October 23, 2008 12:53 AM

anathema_teatime said:

Okay, I was being silly. But the "it's natural, I find it funny because it's part of the human body" thing can be a slippery slope. And my inner 5-year-old was amused by coming up with other bodily functions and afflictions that are perfectly natural. And possibly less stinky!

October 23, 2008 12:05 PM

ABOUT THE BLOG

DATE MACHINE explores the triumphs and tragedies of your dating confessions. Look here for commentary, dating advice, and our own salacious (or ridiculous) dating stories.

Hooksexup Pesronals

in