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This morning, I dropped the kids at school and made my way over to Ikea. Or the Mothership as I like to call it.
It's such a useful store, that I had in my mind that it must surely open at 8am for people with an urgent need for more white towels (me) or shoddy furniture (anyone >30)
In reality, turns out it opens at 10am.
BUT, all was not lost as the restaurant was open. And this is where the magic started.
A reasonably tasty breakfast of scrambled eggs, home fries and bacon plus a really decent cup of coffee was procured for $1.07
How ridiculous is that?
I ate my breakfast surrounded - and I am not exaggerating when I say surrounded - by Red Hook hipsters, Red Hook teamsters and sundry construction workers.
Now there's been a few people lamenting about the cost of dating of late, both on Date Machine and Hooksexup Confessions, so it struck me that breakfast at Ikea was a perfect first date solution. Ludicrously cheap food, views of the river and Manhattan, clean bathrooms. What more could one wish for?
Then it occurred to me that said daters could sneak off into the cordoned off store to extend their date in private.
And that's how I came up with today's feature:
How the Date Machine Bloggers Date at Ikea.
Amboabe would take his date to the nearest leather sofa. Wait, make that a chaise longue. He would remove his yellow shoes (or was it yellow socks? I forget), lace his fingers and rest them gently on his chest and proceed to dissect his dating life. His date would be a slim brunette in black rimmed glasses, her hair thrown up in a pony tail. She would be wearing a black blouse with a bow at the neck, a pencil skirt and red high heels. Good girl with naughty potential in other words. She would take notes.
Spjv840 would bring 6 young men on her date and, at $1.07 a pop, she would treat them all to breakfast. Once satiated, she would lead them into the still closed store, grabbing one of Ikea's handy paper rulers and diminutive pencils as she did so. She would take them to the office section where she would invite them to line up along the edge of a draftsman's table - crotch height. They would then be instructed to drop their pants and drawers and wallop their manhood onto the shiny white surface. Using the tiny pencil, she'd draw a line where each knob ended, then she'd make a note of it for prosperity in her moleskin "Knob Size" notebook. The lucky owner of the biggest penis would be tied to the nearest sturdy workstation and ridden mercilessly. (I have visions of spjv with one arm held high, rodeo style, a big ol grin on her face)
Zeitgeisty would take his date to the nearest bathroom installation. His date would lie in the tub whilst Z sat on the toilet with his trousers around his ankles. (Dear reader, please imagine running water and an adequate soil pipe. Work with me here a little). Z would sit with this elbows resting on his knees and his chin in his cupped hands, contemplating the ebbs and flows of his life experience whilst squeezing out hard turds. (Sorry 'bout that. Can't help where my imagination takes me). His date's ample breasts would bob up and down as she undulated her hands under the water. Z's nose would just be visible as it protruded from the frosted glass screen and she would gaze at it lovingly.
Me? Well I'd just get me white towels.
The obligatory back catalogue:
Did he die?
Je t'adore
Zeitgeisty's Behaviour
Rate my Profile
My kink is better than your kink
The good the bad and the ugly
I am a whore
First Date sex?
Small Juicy Ones
The Perfect Blowjob
What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Hooksexup Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker
Ok, so my daily knob is an advertisement too. The second head guy...
And an extra one with an old Kinks song...