I wish you and your family the best in these difficult moments.

I have a couple of great friends, independent, creative and super fun sexy single moms who honestly are so independent and creative and super fun that they have a hard time finding a partner (not that they complain about it, i just state it as statistical observation). They..errr...fail to project that "take care of me" aura younger women with no children supposedly emanate (and I write this strictly from a cultural perspective, mind you ;)). Which somehow remains irresistible to many men.

( i find it ridiculous and harmful, because it's attached to the "ego" area, where many problems come from anyway)

But I'm curious: why didn't you get serious with any man since 2003? Were you somehow connected to someone, but the disconnection came when you tried to insert the guy into the bigger picture? Did you actually manage to build up something with a new man just on the couple activity level?

Maybe you unconsciously don't offer these men any real chance to...grow...into your eyes so to say. You already start in your head with this huge demand (for them/him to love the kids as enormously as you and their dad do), so in a way, I imagine the candidates AND a guillotine next to them.

And maybe there's space enough for many kinds of love your kids can benefit of...but the new man who will love the kids must genuinely love you first and the rest will be history.

Hope I don't offend you with my lines, I take great delight in reading your posts and I like to provoke polemics also, so mercy..;)

Beautiful post.

I think it would be unrealistic to expect to find someone who would love your kids as much as you and their dad loves them. That's asking an awful lot.

But what if you find someone who loves you and could, over time, grow to love your kids? This, too, may not be an easy thing to find. Moreover, this kind of relationship takes a lot of work, leads to lots of tricky conflicted feelings, etc. (which may explain why you might not want one at this time).

But do you think that this kind of relationship wouldn't add anything to your kids' lives?

Well, I'm glad you didn't choose Dizzy Razcal for the Knob of the Day, although I'm sure his manic style could be fun.  I actually thought, by the way, that this was exactly the kind of thing I'd be reading more of on Date Machine, so I'm not disappointed, and it doesn't sound addled at all.  

I was involved for a bit with a woman whose son's heart had been absolutely torn apart and broken by her second husband.  I know he's not over it because he and I discussed it.  I also don't think she ever got over the guilt.  The man had some serious issues that she felt she should have seen from the start.  She blamed herself for his hurt.  She beat the bejesus out of herself for it actually.  Things got weird between me and her when I started to get to know her son... not that there weren't other issues between us that were bigger.  This was just sort of the last straw.  He asked me to come with him to take a look at a car he was thinking of buying.  She hit the roof and we were broken up a week later.  

I think the idea of blending lives becomes very complicated and weighs heavily into decisions on what might or might not work.  My experience with it is painfully limited so I don't know how far you let it go.  If you want to remain together you have to take the plunge at some point.  How long do you wait before introductions are made?  Since there are never guarantees do you wait forever?  I don't have the answers.  The last thing I want to do is hurt a child, my own or anybody elses' or at any age.  Yet since one can never be totally sure about the person they're involved with... OY!!!  Too complicated.  

I have friends though who have managed, a couple with younger children and a couple with older... can't say there were never hard feelings or confusion.  It would be interesting to get feedback on this from people who have been through it.  Any kind of feedback.  

Appendix:  I just bought a carton of Kent, smoked it, and I am here to tell you... These guys weren't lying!  I will probably wait until tomorrow to smoke the next carton!  Everything in moderation!

First, good thoughts for a successful surgery for your Dad and for as speedy and easy a recovery as possible.

As I think I said in another thread, my last ex- was a mother, and I fell in love with her children, whom I haven't seen (their choice) since our breakup, which just breaks my heart.  (I had been only the second boyfriend who met her kids and the first to stay over -- which much to our surprise did not result in an uproar.)  Children exponentially complicate dating.  After the horrible meltdown, I didn't *not* date women with children, but I did take things much slower (and then I met the woman who became my wife, so I never ended up in another serious relationship with a mother).

My suspicion is that you'll have FWB relationships, which I do think work well for people in their 30s to 50s who aren't looking for a Serious Relationship.  But if an SR does come down the pike, my guess would be that the guy would be divorced with children, too.  Of course, there's the approach that my wife and I stumbled onto:  Neither of us thought we'd be anything other than friends or FWB, but we kept having a good time together, and the chemistry was very strong, and . . . well, here we are.  (I'd add more, but the baby just started fussing.)

i'm with you.  maybe we should get that airstream and travel around europe.  we'll stop during the days to let our boys run wild, then, put them to bed and drive for a few hours to the next country.  i'm certain we can make it work.  

I don't know why I'm writing this, but I just thought if I shared what I knew it could have something in it for you.

My brother.. was a big man-slut. He got around. He was emotionally unavailable and completely self absorbed when it came to serious relationships.

He was FWB with a woman for 5 years who had another mans daughter in that time, and was in various other relationships. The benefits came in when she was single. The men from her relationships were never to be involved with her daughter, just to keep things simple. However my brother was a good friend to her, and became "uncle Damon" to her daughter. About 3 years ago, they somehow stumbled into the idea of getting together properly. He was already part of her daughters life. When it developed into a serious relationship and they moved into together, her daughter named my brother "Daddy-Damon".

Damon never really struck me as a fatherly type, but being around the daughter in a friendly, not-so-serious manner helped bring it out in him I guess. My brother and his now-girlfriend have since had a beautiful son together.

My brother has a pretty harsh and jaded view sometimes. But somehow with his step daughter, its different. He got a tattoo a few months, of a little angel on his chest. He explained to his step daughter that it was for her, because she is very special. she is his daughter, his sons sister, and she would always be with him close to his heart.

For a guy who used to be an bottomless pit of selfishness, its a pretty remarkable turn around.

My point is, sometimes it just develops and works out. And it can be a beautiful thing. I never thought my brother had the capacity to love anyone like he loves that little girl.

AHG--It is kind of sad.  I feel bad for both mom and son, but mostly him.  

As for me, I think I'm going to wait about 6 months the next time before I introduce someone to myself.  har har  

Seriously, it is complicated.  My kids are older and do their own thing.  They are still very much attuned to my emotional well-being also though.  I do think it's important though, if I'm to raise them to be men with a healthy attitude towards women, that I approach the whole deal with positivity.  That's not always easy for anybody, married or single.