Caution: Humor and Satire Within.
I want to make two things abundantly clear. I love Super Nintendo-era Squaresoft. I love those games with a ferocious passion that transcends nostalgia. I am not being cute or silly when I say that Chrono Trigger changed my life. It did. Had I not played that game for the first time in December of 1996, I would have never kept writing, would have never been listening to the soundtrack which led to my getting up the courage to making a move on my first serious girlfriend, and a number of other causal ripples coming out of that formative experience. I also want to make it abundantly clear that I have very little time for baseless hating on anything, whether it be a human being, a flavor of lollipop, a book, or videogame.
That said, Secret of Mana sucks and I hate it. I have tried. Lord knows I have tried to play, to beat, and to love that game. I have tried so damn hard. But the truth is inescapable. It sucks and it will always suck. Here’s why!
1) Santa? Fuck you!
2) Stupid rabbites… think you’re so damn cute… whyioughta…
3) Takes forever to play.
4) Feels even longer because of stupid mechanics.
5) Multiplayer isn't fun when everyone gets stuck on a mushroom every two seconds.
6) If I swing a sword at a giant bee, it should fucking hit a giant bee.
7) Terrible soundtrack.
8) Just kidding, that soundtrack's amazing.
9) Protagonist is shitty bootleg version of Crono.
10) Plot makes about as much sense as the ending of Matrix: Reloaded.
I’m just sayin’!
*Now, before y’all go racing to the comments section, I want to make it abundantly clear that this list is for eliciting mirth and humorous reactions. I am not being serious. Well, a little serious. Watching this footage of the recent Virtual Console release of Secret of Mana just got me thinking about the game’s tireless fan-following and how I’m consistently mystified by it. The game is, love it or hate it, simply not up to the sterling standard set by Squaresoft’s other games of the 16-bit era. It has none of the refinement than any of the legendary publisher’s other titles. Frankly, when people talk about how far the series has fallen in the last decade, plagued by shoddy controls and boring environment design, I’m mystified. It’s always been that way.
(Link: NeoGAF)
Related links:
The Dividing RPG: Secret of Mana
TVTropes' "Woolseyisms"
Flying Gay Men Invade Virtual Console!