Gather around, ladies and gentlemen. It's time to share my secret shame. Come for the story, stay for the punch, the pie, and a chance to wallow in the lingering stink of failure.
When I was young enough to believe in honesty, I relied on game magazine reviews to tell me whether or not a game was worth a purchase. I've already gone over how many Great Canadian Funbux typically went into the purchase of one cartridge game, so you can probably forgive me for doing my research.
Unfortunately, I kind of put myself at a disadvantage by taking to heart the opinions of only one magazine: Gamepro. To be fair, I have to admit that I wasn't steered wrong too often. If not for the rave review I read in the November 1994 issue of the magazine, I would have bypassed the majesty of Final Fantasy VI.
But it was my faith in Gamepro that made me turn up my nose at Earthbound until just last year. While bypassing Earthbound because of a magazine review was a big mistake on my part, it wasn't like I'd boiled a puppy or cast an unforgivable curse on a baby. Earthbound's genius was snubbed by a lot of SNES owners; that's why the fandom has since been driven half-mad with regret.
No, my problem is that Earthbound Central has scanned and archived the review that kept me away from Itoi's masterpiece...and I can't believe that I was swayed by such an impotent clump of...assumptions.
The review appeared in Gamepro's July 1995 issue. I think by then, editors and readers alike were starting to look over their shoulders at previews for the N64, Saturn and Playstation. 16-bit RPGs like Earthbound got a quick glance before everyone ran off the other way, like Milhouse writing “MILPOOL” on Bart's cast before diving into the family's swimming pool. I can't fault an editor for being distracted by a new era shining on the horizon, but this 300-word bluff might have held up better with plausible criticisms instead of, “All the main characters look the same, except for differently-colored hair.” If I were Paula, I'd be pissed.
Also hilarious: "Lack of a convincing storyline," "Unintentionally hilarious humor," "Psychic Dog" (who's with you for the whole game, apparently), "Threet," "Big Footprint," and "This one is bound to fall to Earth soon." God knows I've been stuck for closing lines in reviews, etc, but I'm not sure what that means.
My favourite flub in the review: The “Beginner” brand in the score bar. Ha ha! No.
At least the Protips were as fresh and useful as ever. “Because you have such a limited amount of space in your backpack, eat everything you can to pump up your life bar.”
(“Then sit on Giygas.”)
Related Links:
Abandon All Hope: No Earthbound for the Virtual Console
The Mother 3 Translation: We're Not Worthy!
Earthbound's Secret Evil