In honor of Rosh Hashanah, here are 50 "sins" I DON'T have to atone for...
1) Never used a cock ring
2) Never used any of those 'herbal supplements' you see at the front counter at your local deli that are supposed to 'enhance' your love making.
3) Never used a glow in the dark condom
4) Never used nipple clamps.
5) Never played dress up
6) Never role played during sex.
7) Never used a whip...
8) Never used handcuffs, or tied anyone up.
9) Never pissed or defecated on anyone or had anyone piss or defecate on me.
10) Never used food in anyway during sex.. i.e. whipped cream, strawberries, etc…
11) Never fell asleep during sex, although I've come close a couple of times.
12) Never worn a zippered mask.
13) Never had a 3some.
14) Never used a feather.
15) Never wielded anal beads or a butt plug.
16) Never wore a top hat.
17) Never wore chaps.
18) Never received a blumpkin.
19) Never inflicted a donkey punch.
20) Never cried out the name of a woman other than who I happened to be fucking.
21) Never involved an animal...although some have roamed around outside the periphery of their own volition.
22) Never did it on a bear skin rug.
23) Never did it on the beach.
24) Never did it in front of a roaring fire.
25) Never did it in the rain.
26) Never videotaped it.
27) Never used amyl nitrate.
28) Never did any auto asphyxiation.
29) Not a member of the mile high club.
30) Never did it on a boat.
31) Never did it with a goat.
32) Never did it on a hill.
33) Never did it on a sill.
34) I do not like green eggs and ham.
35) I do not like them sam I am.
36) Never did it in a pool.
37) Never did it in a jacuzzi.
38) Never did it in a public restroom.
39) Never got even a handjob in a movie theater let alone an Alanis Morrisette special.
40) Never did it in a van.
41) If this van's a rockin' you may come a knockin', as nothing would be happening of any consequence.
42) I've never farted in the middle of sex!
43) Never had a one night stand.
44) Never had an STD.
45) Never used hot candle wax.
46) Never fucked a woman named Shirley.
47) Never fisted anyone.
48) Never worn a kilt during sex.
49) Never used a blow up doll.
50) Never did it with a whore… the kind you pay at least!
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