Again, sometimes the more direct simple answer is the TRUTHIEST... Hence my latest batch of TRANSLATIONS of some selected Dating Confessions...
"Were you telling me you are attractive b/c in reality you have an iffy self-image and were trying to impress me/come across as confident? If so you f-ed up b/c I took it as arrogance... and you made me insecure, but not in a good way."
TRANSLATION: His compensatory façade worked like a charm! Sucka!
"somewhere-between-old-friend-and-former-acquaintance guy, you have no idea. one random, casual email from you for the first time in years and i'm picking out a wedding dress and considering names for our children. i'm ridiculous. i know that. but fuck it, it feels good to even be excited at the IDEA of someone. it's been entirely too long."
TRANSLATION: Whoahh slow down!.. See this is why he hasn’t contacted you in years.
"I had a boyfriend tell me once how I looked exactly like F. Murray Abraham. He even took out a pictre. Granted Abraham is an interesing actor. But to tell a 23 year old pretty blonde woman w/ fine features ...that she looks like a craggy actor in his late 50s....I still wonder what that was about."
TRANSLATION: 2 options.. a) your boyfriend was being an insensitive prick, or b) you look like F. Murray Abraham… “Mediocrities of the world I absolve you!”
"I hate when you say you "could fall in love with me." What does that mean? Do you love me or not? What is this "could" business?"
TRANSLATION: By ‘could’ fall in love you, they mean.. if you had a completely different personality, and were just a LITTLE hotter…
"I feel like everyone I know is getting more action than me, even my little sister. Then again, my little sister likes cooking for men and giving blowjobs more than I do, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised."
TRANSLATION: hmmm…. Does your sister have a phone number?
"Oh the memories...I dated one guy who barbered his pubic hair in a way intended to make it all look more impressive. Poor buggar. He didn't know what I was used to! no amount of trompe l'oeil tomfoolery could change that."
TRANSLATION: An ultra pretentious art student way of saying my ex-boyfriend had a tiny pee pee…
"I'm 23 female. Above average looks, but definitely not a stereotypical-looking babe. Smart. Witty. Emotionally strong and independent. Can be funny and goofy. Can also be serious and intellectual and kind of intense. I love thinking about sex and I'm pretty open-minded. Always have been. But... I haven't had much sex. The times I tried I haven't been able to make a guy come, and now I'm nervous. And insecure about some things. I don't of course tend to tell people I know this. I'd love to experiment sexually with someone attractive, but I don't want an attached-at-the-hip relationship. Would you date me?"
TRANSLATION: Amboabe’s last date…
"between girth and length, i'll take both. either they're too short or they're too skinny, yes? yes."
TRANSLATION: Pleased to meet you, my name is Goldicocks…
"I hate you. I hate your stupid radio show. And I'm lying. Because I still listen and still try to analyze song lyrics to find a final trace of me."
TRANSLATION: Restraining order waiting to happen..
"You ruined Neil Young for me. I can never listen to "Harvest Moon" again. Thanks a lot, jerk."
TRANSLATION: Switch to ‘After the Goldrush’ and quit whining…
Elizabeth Hurley...actress whom I've always found hot..
TYPES
Do.. do women really suck in bed?
The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality
50 sexual expereiences I've never had
Dating COnfessions translations
I'm a breast man... the JUGS file
John McCain makes my peepee go limp
Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.
My dating confessions TRANSLATIONS
My internet dating advice
What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women
All Porn SUCKS!!
The night PAULINA and I discussed sex
How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?
Hooksexup Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!
Sex with someone I love - The MASTURBATION file
The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file
'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file
BITE ME! - Snark.
My first kiss...a remembrance of thing past
Feel the paste in you face - The FACIAL file
Talk dirty to me!!
I abstain! The fear to fuck
The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.
BITE ME!!!
Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file
The brass ring