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Sex Machine: Interviewing for position of Friend with Benefits

Posted by airheadgenius

 

One night stands don't cut it for me at this point. My lifestyle is not conducive and also there's a lot of ground work to do beforehand. You either have to plough through profiles or get into elaborate email exchanges, or spend time hanging out in bars. Plus, if you go through a dry spell, it's awful for a while and you feel like you're going to die from frustration, but like any addiction, the desire fades a little bit at least. A hook up leaves you wanting more, but almost inevitably the physical attraction is not matched with an emotional or intellectual attraction, hence the tendency for hook ups to be unsuitable as a partner.

Friends with benefits are more convenient since I like my sex on tap. A neighborhood FWB is the best friend of all. That way, I don't have to plan ahead, get babysitters, etc etc, all I have to do is dial up.

At some point in the next year or so, it would be pretty cool to get an actual relationship going on. A manfriend. But they are time consuming and i just don't always have the mental energy it requires. This is not to say that I am actively opposed to it, just that one is more likely to happen along rather than be orchestrated.

But I don't like to be without.

Hence the advertisement.

The applicant must be:
Reasonably good looking.
Not too flabby or shabby.
With a 6-8" penis.
A cunning linguist.
Decent conversationalist or the ability to keep quiet.
Physically strong.
Sharing none of a certain person's views on sexual conduct.
Must be friendly. Very friendly.

Please send your application listing qualifications, relevant experience and a recent photograph to airheadgenius.
There is no salary, but fringe benefits will be commensurate with experience.
First come first served.

I do not, however, require a friend like the one from this poor soul's confession:

 

And without further ado, it's my Daily Knob: 

 

Got to do it really - today's offering, the magnificent Paul Newman



The obligatory back catalogue:

Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Hooksexup Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT
Posted Sep 28 2008, 03:35 PM
Filed under: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments

princsstreefcker said:

Sometimes it seems like it's harder to find an FWB than it is to find a boyfriend. Still haven't managed to find one since I moved here...

I wish you the best of luck.

September 28, 2008 5:08 PM

xcalibur86 said:

"Decent conversationalist or the ability to keep quiet."

I just put an entire Bombay and tonic through my nose.

September 28, 2008 6:08 PM

acamil said:

take me!

Reasonably good looking. YES

Not too flabby or shabby. YES

With a 6-8" penis. Erected?

A cunning linguist. YES

Decent conversationalist or the ability to keep quiet. YES, can do both!

Physically strong. Give me 2 weeks will shape up

Sharing none of a certain person's views on sexual conduct. Yes, whatever

Must be friendly. Very friendly. Yes

September 28, 2008 8:33 PM

mr_krimp said:

Ok, where do I sign up? I qualify. Just one thing, what exactly does this part mean? "Sharing none of a certain person's views on sexual conduct." what certain person are we talking about? Jeffrey Dahmer? Because, then definitely I don't share his views at all. By the way, will refreshments be made available?

September 29, 2008 9:26 AM

spjv840 said:

Look, you have takers! I'd totally apply except that I'm missing two very important requirements: the penis thing and being physically strong. Damnit. Oh right, and I'm female.

Also, your second to last requirement on the list had me chuckling like a fool. And I never "chuckle".

September 29, 2008 1:18 PM

shakti_vos said:

would a 6-8" strap on do?

;)

September 29, 2008 1:25 PM

xcalibur86 said:

I'd throw my hat in the ring too, but I live in the provinces...

September 29, 2008 4:46 PM

profrobert said:

If only you'd been here two years ago . . . .

September 29, 2008 6:13 PM

airheadgenius said:

princss - You know, I am inclined to agree with you. I've only had two regular FWB since I've lived here. One every 7 years isn't much of a batting average. I think my mistake is letting them talk to much and then I can't face screwing them any more. I should invest in a lot of duct tape and be done with conversation.

xcalibur - I am mortified to have caused the loss of an alcoholic beverage. Many apologies. I owe you one.

acamil - no, flaccid. (Jking) Are you local though? I am a very impatient person and can't wait more than about 10 minutes for anything.

September 29, 2008 7:41 PM

timdb said:

Sharing none of a certain person's views on sexual conduct....

Got to admit that like mr_krimp I don't know who you mean here, but from your various posts I bet I qualify. And I can tick all the other boxes....

But you want someone local, and though it seems you come from the UK you are living in Brooklyn now? Damn, damn ...

Good luck with the search/

September 30, 2008 3:02 PM

airheadgenius said:

mr krimp - it was kind of an in joke. And refreshments are ALWAYS available at my house. The refrigerator is stocked and then of course there's delicious me. Mangos ya know.

spjv - glad to have made you chuckle. I do indeed have takers, but all with one caveat or another. Distance or lack of penis being key. It seems that NY is not the destination of choice if you want a FWB.

shakti - with you wielding it, I think it might. Especially as you are so bendy.

scalibur - damn those provinces.

September 30, 2008 6:01 PM

airheadgenius said:

prof - if it's not distance, it's lack of penis or timing. Oy vey, what's a girl to do???

timdb - you're far away too? Where are my Brooklyn peeps at??

September 30, 2008 6:03 PM

princsstreefcker said:

"I think my mistake is letting them talk to much and then I can't face screwing them any more."

AirheadGenius, I can't possibly agree with you more. There has to be some level of conversation just so there can be mental as well as physical chemistry, but it's a fine line. Unfortunately I discovered this last night... *shudders* I hope your luck is better than mine, I'm heading back to LA in a couple of days to visit an old FWB.

October 1, 2008 6:40 AM

spjv840 said:

I'm kind of inspired to make my own list of requirements that a potential FWB must have, even though I don't need one - I can daydream right!?

October 1, 2008 8:47 AM

jason said:

so where do i apply? where r u from?

October 1, 2008 11:02 AM

airheadgenius said:

princss - Yikes. Very sorry for your discovery. Maybe you can push it out of your mind if he agrees to keep quiet in the future?? A good FWB is hard to come by you know.

(For those of you with a red marker, I clearly meant "too" not "to". 1 star for me for spelling)

spjv - a list is a good idea. The universe reads them you know.

jason - errrr, England. Residing in NY. r u writing from ur phone??

October 1, 2008 1:03 PM

timdb said:

Far, far away and lonely & sad in Cambridge UK. Bummer eh?

Mind you, I'm over in the US mid November but in Washington DC and only for 10 days, so that doesn't exactly help...

Oh well, as I said, good luck.

October 1, 2008 1:25 PM

airheadgenius said:

timdb - how can you possibly be lonely in Cambridge??? There's  hordes of students to plough through surely? Go and join The Footlights or punt down the river. Combine the three even.

October 1, 2008 7:23 PM

timdb said:

Ah Cambridge, full of luscious students eh?

Well, I can send you a picture of me punting this summer (in a straw boater yet) if I can work out how to get an email through the personals system... Truth to say, there aren't many students interested in a 52 year old - can you blame them - and in any case the age difference is more than enough to be moving into DOM territory. Footlights is a university society not open to townspeople.

Cambridge is an OK place, but there isn't all that much going on outside of the university. And from what I can tell, the dating scene bears no resemblance whatsoever to NY.

October 2, 2008 6:36 PM

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