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  • The Final Fantasy Rule: Why the New Final Fantasy XIII Demo Matters, Even if You Hate the Series

    I’ve had to stop myself from doing something stupid many, many times in the past few weeks. Late at night, typically before bed while I’m enjoying that just-brushed-just-flossed feel of my teeth and that last drink of water, I’ve opened my laptop and gone to Play Asia, added an item to my cart, and made it all the way to the check out before stopping myself. What am I, an idiot? What kind of person would do this? I’ve slapped my own wrist, both literally and metaphorically, closed the computer, and waited for morning, when the sobering light of day inevitable reintroduces logic to my shoddy impulse control.

    Honestly. Spending eighty dollars on a demo of Final Fantasy XIII, a demo in a language I don’t even understand, is stupid. Very, very stupid. Yes, it comes with a nice new version of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, but even that little perk isn’t worth blowing two weeks worth of grocery money on an hour long sampling of a game that will be out before too long.

    The impulse is detestable. It is, however, an inevitable impulse, one that isn’t rooted in fanaticism. The allure of a new Final Fantasy, even just a taste of it, has less to do with fetishism and everything to do with wanting to see just what any given game console can do.

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  • The All New Retro: Bust-a-Groove and Low-Poly Love



    I won’t deny it. My gaming tastes are a little unusual. Take my emulation aversion. Does a normal person spend months and months tracking down a rare and expensive cheat device so they can play an imported SNES game when they could download a ROM and SNES emulator in about ten seconds? No. This is not how a normal person behaves. As I slowly morph into something approximating an adult, I’ve been noticing another strange predilection in my gaming brain: a love of low-polygon graphics.

    Some games do not age with grace. Their mechanics, and especially their graphics, develop the distinct taste of vinegar when they used to be wine just five years before. Yet the games of the 32- and 64-bit era, games that I thought were repulsive even at the time, are starting to take on a strange allure.

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  • Final Fantasy IV: The After Years is Coming, and Cecil is a Clod

     

    A strange thing happened to me when I heard that Final Fantasy IV is coming to Virtual Console: I didn't care. I think I burned out on the title with the swift finality of a doused candle flame. I can't imagine why. I've only played and completed Final Fantasy II (SNES), Final Fantasy IV (Playstation), Final Fantasy IV Advance, Final Fantasy IV DS and innumerable fan translations.

    I am, however, pretty excited about Final Fantasy IV: The After Years for WiiWare, despite the cringe-inducing title. I guess I'm happy enough to slay the same monsters and abide by the same archaic menus if it means glancing at Kain's bum from a whole new angle.

    I also think it's going to be kind of cool playing as Cecil's son. Bonus points if the boy has to earn his place as a hero. One of my favourite kids' books is “Mattimeo” by Brian Jacques. The story is a sequel to “Redwall,” and the running theme involves the maturation of the spoiled son of Matthias the Warrior.

    But I'm already facepalming over the name “Ceodore.” Cecil's brand for his first-born son is a perfect example of the moon warrior's boring tendency to flip-flop.

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  • Please, JRPGs, Let Me Run Free

    One of the Internet's favourite hobbies is complaining about the senility of the JRPG genre. The behemoth genre is in fact staggering, and it might not be long before its chest touches the ground. I think the wolves are feeding a bit early, though: JRPGs are a huge market, and it takes a long time for a disease to run its course through a big animal. Besides, there's very little wrong with JRPGs that can't be chased off with a few shots. The rambling stories can be re-written with a more consideration for subtlety, the characters can be given goals beyond being spokesgirls for moe, and random encounters don't have to, y'know, exist.

    Where no such improvements are possible for whatever reason (laziness, fear of change, a deal with the Devil that ended with the developer being forced to play cruel jokes on players), I would settle for just one tweak. It's not hard to implement, and it's not too scary, but it could help save the genre.

    Please, please, please, JRPG developers—all RPG developers—if you're going to make me suffer through random battles, at least guarantee that I will be able to run from them.

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  • Final Fantasy IV the After: Will America Land on the Moon?

    Do you like the moon? Of course you do. You've wanted to visit the moon since you were a child. You want to gorge on its green cheese. Don't contradict me.

    Final Fantasy IV catered to childhood dreams by sending Cecil--and you!--on an adventure that climaxed in the core of the moon. When the world-consuming evil was put back to bed, Cecil had a climax of his own (sorry) and fathered a son with Rosa. “Ceodore” had his own adventure, known as Final Fantasy IV the After: Return of the Moon. But whereas his father was grand enough for the SNES, the DS, the GBA, the Wonderswan, the Playstation and God knows what else, Ceodore got a pat on the head and was sent off to wave his sword and make heroic declarations on cell phones across Japan.

    But as the moon's phases change, so too does Ceodore's fate. Maybe.

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  • Whatcha Playing: On the Road Again



    Wherein travelling inevitably leads to thinking about Zelda, the nature of game linearity and unskippable passive sequences in games.

    Five men in their late 20s are heading south on route 80 through New Jersey in a white Dodge Caravan. They listen to loud music and discuss plans for the weekend ahead of them. Before too long, they pass signs for a town called Hibernia. As they are a group raised on far, far too many videogames, the fanciful name of what is likely a small, simple town full of good, honest folk quickly transforms it into a land of adventure, intrigue and obnoxious obligation.

    “Ho stranger! You have stopped for gasoline in Hibernia? I would love to give you some, but first you must travel beyond the woods and acquire a ruffled dragoon feather. I need them to make gasoline!”

    “Hey! Hey! Have you tried pressing Z to look at signs? Press A to read signs! Hey!”

    “You must equip a sword and a shield before you can leave the car. Who would leave the car without a sword and a shield?”

    Yes, even something as an innocuous as a roadtrip leads to making fun of Zelda, and by proxy, every other videogame that makes you engage in a string of needless bullshit before letting you actually play. After we got the jokes out of our systems, we did start talking about how, when the itch arises, we all love going back and replaying past Zeldas, but have almost no desire to replay any of the 3D games any time soon. Everyone in the van has affection for Ocarina and Wind Waker – Opinions on Majora’s Mask vary. Personally, I find it to be a freaking chore to play, no matter how creative. Twilight Princess, we agreed, feels like actually doing chores when you play it. – but the prospect of wading through a never ending stream of unskippable conversations makes returning to these games unsavory. The constant handholding is bad enough, even without taking five minutes to listen to some owl made of triangles rant about a mountain, finally getting through the diatribe, and accidentally asking him to repeat himself.

    The conversation was oddly prescient.

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  • On Renaming Characters: My Own Naughty Experience

    Mackey's post about re-naming RPG characters took me back to a special place. I admit I'm lazy about re-naming my characters these days, but there was a time when my habits made my parents fear for the monikers of their grandchildren.

    Actually, thinking about it, my mother mostly egged me on.

    I think there's some kind of karma going on for people who gave game characters swear-names. Recently I needed a video of Cloud in the Mako reactor at the start of Final Fantasy VII for a whimsical, memory-heavy blog post elsewhere. The only appropriate video had Cloud branded as "El Boner."



    Secret of Mana was my first Super Nintendo RPG. I named the girl "Bitch" because I'm creative and hilarious. After that, the the fate of each female character in subsequent RPGs was sealed. Nothing against the characters themselves. It was just tradition.

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  • On Renaming Characters

     

    As part of my generally anal-retentive gaming habits, I never rename characters in RPGs.  In my eyes, anything other than the original, intended names would be sacrilege; even at the age of twelve, you could find me correcting the all-caps names of my characters in Final Fantasy III to a more sensible case setting. For me, it's always been about immersion. As creative as I can be, it just feels so wrong to go against the designers' original choices, even when I'm given the option to change those choices. Maybe watching my stepdad play through Final Fantasy II starring my family warped me somehow--after all, he made me Kain.

    When I'm given an array of ready-to-be-names blank slates, I typically don't get too wacky. The guys are typically named after me and my friends, while the single girl character (there's usually only one) is reserved for my current girlfriend or possible girlfriend-to-be (god willing). I'll admit that games like Earthbound, with relatively personality-free main characters, also fall into this habit of mine, as do games like Secret of Mana, where I learn that the characters have names years after the fact--and also that these names are very dumb.

    In the era of voice-acting, renaming characters is no longer the norm. The awkward, off-putting, just-chugged-a-bottle-of-NyQuil conversations of Final Fantasy X were made all the more creepy by the simple fact that the other characters could not say Tidus' name--after all, you might've changed it. Years later, Dragon Quest VIII handled this problem much better; the name you'd chosen for your character still appeared in the written dialogue, but characters would say things like "my boy" and "guv'nah" instead of the offending proper noun. Here, I could name my character "Bob" and not worry about the consequences.

    So where does everyone else fall on this issue? I can't be the only one who feels compelled to stick to the original names I'm given, no matter how asinine they may be.

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  • Fever Gaming

    Many in the Game Kingdom have experienced gaming while under the influence of, er, illicit substances. We won't go into detail about those sins, but instead we'll talk about a similar, more legitimate gaming experience: gaming while sick. Hey, if your immune system crawls off to the pub and leaves you at the mercy of a high fever, can The Man blame you for enjoying the pretty colours your brain soothes you with while it slowly turns into fricassee?

    I speak from experience. This weekend, which was a gloriously warm Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, I found myself knocked out with the flu. Today, I'm able to sit up again and this coincides with my decision to keep on living.

    I was honestly too sick to game at all this weekend, but I remember some good times when the doctor prescribed long doses of "sit down and don't move" and gaming became my number-one pastime.

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  • Ne, Rokkuman! Yaranaika?: The World of Hayadain

    Yesterday afternoon, our hero John Constantine became frightened and confused when he inadvertently discovered Mario and the Western Show. In this jaunty showtune, which is set to music from Super Mario World, Super Mario and his nemesis Bowser haggle back and forth over which one of them loves Princess Peach more (and Bowser picks his nose hard enough to make it bleed). Both seem oblivious to the fact that Peach wants neither of them. In fact, she sounds like she's on the verge of initiating that sexual harassment lawsuit that should have been filed years ago.

    Mario and the Western Show is written by a Japanese remixer named Hyadain. Whereas America treats its video game remixes with the awe and dignity you'd expect with a revered hobby, Japan's remixes tend to be a bit more silly. Hyadin has become especially famous for cutting loose and giving us beauties like The World Warrior.

    The World Warrior features the cast of Street Fighter. Each fighter sings about what motivates them to get their face stepped on by M Bison. True to the series, Honda says, ”Sumo is the greatest fighting style in the world!” When is someone going to conjure up the stones to tell the dude that he's the #1 choice of n00bs? Nobody who doesn't want to be sat on, I guess.

    Other delights by Hyadin include Appearance of Golbez's Four Lords of the Elements and (oh God) CRASH! Let's Do It!, which is Crashman's love song to Mega Man. Don't act disgusted, you only wish you could make love to your hero while Airman fans you gently.

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  • The Five Greatest Enhanced Remakes - And Five That Weren't So Great, Part 3

    And now, the bad...

    Metroid: Zero Mission (Game Boy Advance)



    Is Metroid: Zero Mission a terrible game? By no means. On its own terms, it's rather good. But as a reconception of one of the greatest, most influential games ever made, it's a disaster, taking everything that made Metroid spooky and replacing it with a thick layer of corn. Metroid was heavily influenced by Alien. Remember the petrified extraterrestrial skeleton in Alien? What if that bastard had gotten up and started bombarding Sigourney Weaver with some hack's idea of ancient wisdom? Wouldn't that have pretty much thrown the movie's chilly austerity out the window? Like so many latter-day games, Zero Mission thinks comic-book jibber-jabber is cooler than eerie silence. This lack of subtlety is echoed in the gameplay itself, which, while it controls a lot better than Metroid, is chock-full of egregious hand-holding and advice-giving — pretty much the exact opposite of the original's sprawling openendedness. Metroid is practically Lovecraftian in the way it makes you feel tiny and alone in a vast and hostile universe. Don't look for that feeling in Zero Mission. Oh, and it also mangles the most immortal climax in videogame history — the truly unsettling slaughter of a shrieking brain in a jar, followed by a hair-raising escape sequence — by tacking on a (sigh) stealth section. — PS

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  • The Five Greatest Enhanced Remakes - And Five That Weren't So Great, Part 2

    Final Fantasy (WonderSwan Color)



    The first in a vast battalion of Final Fantasy rereleases, the Wonderswan remake actually gets it righter than any that were to come. Sure, the Playstation version has FMV intros (whoo-hoo?), the GBA version has some mostly extraneous new dungeons, and the PSP version has sharper graphics. But the Wonderswan version gave the NES original a beautiful visual makeover that later ports would simply poach, and more importantly, it corrected some of the original game's antiquated design quirks in a totally optional fashion. In the NES game, if two characters attack one enemy and the first one kills it, the second character's attack will be ineffective. This is annoying, but it also forces you to plan; it adds some strategy to the essentially one-dimensional battle system. You could really argue for or against the feature, and the Wonderswan port gives you a choice. The same goes for a number of other idiosyncracies we cranky old-timers like to keep in our enhanced remakes; subsequent rereleases dumbed the game down until you could grind through it with a rubber band around the A button. — PS

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  • The Five Greatest Enhanced Remakes - And Five That Weren't So Great, Part 1

    Well, having burned through our annual pants-replacement fund on the announcement of Chrono Trigger DS, we here at 61FPS now find ourselves surprisingly ambivalent about this remake (or is it just a rerelease?) of the greatest game Square ever made. Sure, it could be handsome and polished. But it could be sloppy and buggy, too. It could add new gameplay elements, or it could dumb down those that were already there. Chrono Trigger's a delicate thing! Be careful with that priceless art item, you sausage-fingered renovators! And here to guide you on a righteous path are five enhanced remakes that got it right — and five that didn't. — Peter Smith

    FIVE GREAT REMAKES

    Tomb Raider Anniversary (PlayStation 2)



    Most games simply do not need to be remade. As beautiful and ambitious as Square's impending Final Fantasy IV DS is, its voiced dialogue, new script, and three-dimensional overhaul are icing on a cake that was already delicious despite its simplicity. The original Tomb Raider, however, is a once-revolutionary title ravaged by the passage of time and the growth of technology. Forget how Lara's 1996 debut looks. Just think about trying to play a fully-3D game that requires precision platforming using only a d-pad. Crystal Dynamics' full remake of Tomb Raider put the engine from Lara's rebirth, the decent Tomb Raider: Legend, to great use, re-introducing the world to the game and, most importantly, preserving it in a way so people can actually play it in the years to come. Plus, grappling hooks are awesome. — John Constantine

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  • The Chrono Trigger Port: Are You Excited or Disappointed?

    Though the 16-bit console wars were savage in the early '90s, the end was in sight by 1995 and the Super Nintendo was crowned the obvious winner.

    (Except by pouty Genesis fanboys who feebly compared Phantasy Star IV to Final Fantasy VI. I mean, it's a good try, but...nah.)

    The Genesis was panting and dry-heaving at the finish line, but the Super Nintendo barely broke a sweat. In fact, it looked healthier than ever thanks to an injection of A+ games at the end of its life. One such title was Chrono Trigger, a now-legendary RPG by Square(-Enix). We should all hope for the dignified hero's death that the Super Nintendo recieved thanks to Chrono Trigger's legacy.

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about the blogger

John Constantine, our superhero, was raised by birds and then attended Penn State University. He is currently working on a novel about a fictional city that exists only in his mind. John has an astonishingly extensive knowledge of Scientology. Ultimately he would like to learn how to effectively use his brain. He continues to keep Wu-Tang's secret to himself.

Derrick Sanskrit is a self-professed geek in a variety of fields including typography, graphic design, comic books, music and cartoons. As a professional hipster graphic designer, his recent clients have included Hooksexup, Pitchfork and MoCCA, among others.

Amber Ahlborn - artist, writer, gamer and DigiPen survivor, she maintains a day job as a graphic artist. By night Amber moonlights as a professional Metroid Fanatic and keeps a metal suit in the closet just in case. Has lived in the state of Washington and insists that it really doesn't rain as much as everyone says it does.

Nadia Oxford is a housekeeping robot who was refurbished into a warrior when the world's need for justice was great. Now that the galaxy is at peace (give or take a conflict here or there), she works as a freelance writer for various sites and magazines. Based in Toronto, Nadia prizes the certificate from the Ministry of Health declaring her tick and rabies-free.

Bob Mackey is a grad student, writer, and cyborg, who uses the powerful girl-repelling nanomachines mad science grafted onto his body to allocate time towards interests of the nerd persuasion. He believes that complaining about things on the Internet is akin to the fine art of wine tasting, but with more spitting into buckets.

Joe Keiser has a programming degree from Johns Hopkins University, a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, and a fake toy guitar built in the hollowed-out shell of a real guitar. He writes about games and technology for a variety of outlets. One day he will stop doing this. The day after that, police will find his body under a collapsed pile of (formerly neatly alphabetized) collector's edition tchotchkes.

Cole Stryker is an American freelance writer living in York, England, where he resides with his archeologist wife. He writes for a travel company by day and argues about pop culture on the internet by night. Find him writing regularly here and here.

Peter Smith is like the lead character of Irwin Shaw's The 80-Yard Run, except less athletic. He considers himself very lucky to have this job. But it's a little premature to take "jack-off of all trades" off his resume. Besides writing, travelling, and painting houses, Pete plays guitar in a rock trio called The Aye-Ayes. He calls them a 'power pop' band, but they generally sound more like Motorhead on a drinking binge.


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