Amboabe, bless his cotton socks, has had the misfortune of sleeping with inexperienced or incompetent women, leading him to believe that all women are useless in bed. This is a disastrous conclusion for all us chickies and must be rectified immediately.

Apparently some women need to know how to give the PERFECT blowjob.
To that end, here's an instructional little tale. It was published on my old blog by popular request after the Cunning Linguist Trilogy.

Enjoy and happy eating... (Oh and you 1 star clicking h8ers, and you know who you are, bite me)

 

Horatio had a fruit stand.
He'd owned it for years and fruit was his passion.

But lately, Horatio had a new love. An assistant employed to help him with his fruit. She too was a connoisseur and watching her sample his wares was almost more than Horatio could bear.

He'd had assistants in the past. But most of them simply gobbled down the fruit, with fervour but no finesse. And Horatio liked his fruit to be savoured. To be honored and loved and celebrated for the joys it could bring. And he'd always suspected that his old assistants ate the fruit because it was supposed to be good for them, not because they truly enjoyed the experience. And even though Horatio liked his fruit to be eaten as much as possible, it was much more fulfilling to know that the recipient gained as much pleasure as he did.

The way his new assistant ate a banana was especially pleasing. She teased the skin down tenderly without pulling and then licked gently up and down it's sides. On some strokes, her tongue was soft and flat, then with others she hardened it to a point and traced up and down, teasing around the ridges that she found. She took the fruit into her mouth and rolled her flat tongue over and around it's tip, in a swirling motion and then licked the sides again, savouring the flavour. Her love of bananas was so strong that she couldn't bear to rush and eat it all at once. She would take it all into her mouth, but then withdraw, sometimes sucking, sometimes just gliding up and down with her full lips barely touching the sides.

Horatio's old assistant had handled the bananas roughly. Grabbing at them with their hands and forcing them down their throats. This new assistant held the banana firmly, but tenderly. Pulsing her clenched fist gently or slowly sliding it up and down. As she savoured the fruit, she would take it from her mouth and roll her clenched fist up and over the top, swirling her hand around, licking the top with her tongue and then resuming the feast. She paused often to lick her lips, making sure they were always wet and inviting.

With her mouth and one hand occupied, the assistant would fondle kumquats with her other hand. Cupping them and gentle rolling them around her palm. She would take one into her mouth and swirl her tongue over it, sucking gently and tasting their full flavour. She liked to alternate between sucking the kumquats and savouring the banana and, when she found out how much Horatio liked it, she would tease a peeled clementine - poking her tongue gently into the center to make it moist and then easing her finger into the hole. The assistant paid attention though and if the clementine resisted, she would stop. She knew that fruit had to be treated with respect.

 

Oh yes, she was an attentive assistant. As she ate, she would look up through her eyelashes and Horatio would see the faint trace of a smile on her lips as she made sure she was pleasing him. If Horatio needed his fruit to be handled differently she would always accept direction without complaint. She was not submissive, but she was smart enough to know that a man knows his own fruit.

The assistant loved eating Horatio's wares. She loved the taste, the texture and the sweet smell. When the juice burst into her mouth, she drank it down with the satisfaction of knowing that she was very very good at her job.

Horatio was in love.

 

The obligatory back catalogue:

What is a boyfriend
Friends with Benefits
Real Women
Another quick pull out
Lesbian Lovers Come Out
Digits
Asymmetrical Knobbage
Cunning Linguist
Cunnilingus
Fabulous at 40
Winehouse Reveals
The Chick Facial File
Mirrors
Confession plus Daily Knob!
Abusive?
Celebrity Confessions: Boy George
Dick Trilogy Part 3
MORE dicks in my inbox
Dicks in your inbox
Read my Sodding Profile!
Hooksexup Confessions: Herpes
The Queen Confesses
The Arse Man Cometh
The Ass Play Chronicles
The Sandwich Blowjob Porn Connection
Bangin Ass
Deformed Dicks
Did I really dream that?
Why I don't date Celebrities
Fashionably late or just a slacker

 

 Admittedly his hair is atrocious and his clothes could use some help, but this man's face is lovely and he is killer funny. To people with a sense of humour that is.

 Russell Brand. (err, that's Brand, not Brown dear Britney)