When I was 18, I was taking a figure drawing class at the upstate college I attended. That's where I met 'crazypants'. I noticed her instantly, as she struck quite an impressive figure. She was an extremely voluptuous girl, with a big tail and enormous jugs. She also had one of those short 'bob' haircuts that were so popular back in the early 90s. I can remember her penchant for wearing sundresses all the time, which really emphasized her attributes. Still, I think the thing that really struck me about her was the fact that she didn't shave her armpits. Glorious tufts of hair sprouted out from underneath her deeply tanned upper arm area.
I was mesmerized.
I don't know, for some reason I've always had a thing for women with hairy armpits. Could be that I'm French, could be that my mother might have had them growing up.. or possibly a third option…
You see, I remember finding my parents' copy of the 'Joy of Sex' hid away in the back of their closet when I was around 6. Alongside the book, was a box with this massive 'massager' inside. Obviously looking back on it, it was some kind of goofy looking 1970s vibrator. Of course I didn't know that at the time, and had my hands all over the thing inspecting it like one of those apes in the beginning of 2001: a Space Odyssey. For all I know I probably had the fucking thing in my mouth, you know like kids do sometimes.
Shudder....
Anyway, flipping through the Joy of Sex, I became extremely aroused – even at 6! Like Woody Allen says in Annie Hall - 'I never had a latency period!!' The illustration of the woman in the book had a colossal bush and delectably hairy armpits. So who knows? Perhaps my armpit hair fetish stems from this early sexual imprinting. Like how little ducklings follow whomever they see when they first open their baby eyes and call it 'mama'.
So, for whatever reason, I was really attracted to 'crazypants'. I'd watch her in class day in and day out, totally adjusting my rod every two seconds. I mean, she drove me out of my bird. One day, she came up to me after class and started up a conversation of sorts..
'hey.. I see you staring at me in class every day, so I thought I'd introduce myself'
'yes well.. ahem.. yeah'
You have to understand at this point, I had absolutely no idea how to talk to women. They were from another galaxy, another universe..
'Do you want to go out sometime after class?'
'ahem.. yes.. well ahem'
We exchanged phone numbers, and went off in opposite directions. Later that night back at my dorm, the phone rang, but when I picked up the receiver the person on the other end immediately hung up. Well, I was excited about that, because at the time *69 had just recently become available to everyone. I had been waiting for an opportunity like this, you know - to see how it worked! So, I *69'd, and this guy answers in a gruff voice..
'yeah?'
'Yeah? Well.. you just called me mr.'
'No I didn't… whaddya talkin' about?'
'Well I just used this thing called star 69, so I can tell that you just…'
'I already told ya kid, I didn't call.. what is this??!!'
The guy was getting really upset, but I wouldn't give in!
'Why did you call me mr.?? What's your problem!!'
'Alright I've had enough of you - punk!'
With that he hung up..
It was an amusing little episode, I chuckled over it with some friends of mine, but I quickly forgot about it. A few days later, I ran into 'crazypants' on the quad, and she explained what had happened….
Apparently, she was involved with an older guy.. and by older I mean WAY older - 63 to be exact. She had been over at his house the other day and it was her who had called me from HIS phone - but quickly hung up when he came into the room.
'wow', I said.. I was a bit taken aback.
'Yeah.. we had a big fight after you spoke with him, and I was actually afraid for my life'
'I'll bet..'
'So, do you still wanna go out with me?'
'Sure…'
But I wasn't so sure anymore… This was my earliest memory of 'the warning radar'. Something was not right with this girl. She had a peculiar slur to her speech, almost imperceptible, yet it nagged me. She also had a slightly manic vibe about her which unsettled me. Still, this was a genuine GIRL asking me out on a date. The only other time I'd ever been propositioned by anyone was from some gay guy on a bus who knocked on the door while I was in the bathroom taking a shit and asked me if I wanted 'some company'.
So we both agreed to meet up at her place Friday night at 7.
One decidedly odd thing about this chick, was that she lived with her mother in town. Her parents had rented a little cottage so her mother could stay with her during the school year. As a kid, I didn't make all these connections in my head that there was something seriously OFF about this situation.. I mean, I DID feel a bit weirded out, but at the same time I was also aroused.
Of course at 18, a fucking 3 legged stool could get me hard.
I showed up at her house for our date, and I remember her mother being so excited to see me. She kept asking me if she could get anything for me. She was really making a fuss. Obviously, it was because she had an insane daughter that was dating a 63 year old guy – but I didn't know that at the time. I mean I must've looked heaven sent to her.
It's funny.. She was the only parent of anyone I've ever been out with that was ever kind to me.
We took her car into town, and wound up at a Roy Rogers. I'm a big fan of the fried chicken, you should know that about me. I remember Roy's had this colossal horseradish sauce.. Not sure if they still have it. Anyway, it was totally delish.. I used to dip the chicken skin in it… ahem.. but I digress..
We started talking a bit, and then all of a sudden she became very serious.
'I have to tell you something..'
The whole situation felt very ominous..
'Yes.. tell me, what is it?'
'Well.. It's hard.. I hate talking about this'
Of course my mind immediately sprung to what was on EVERYONE'S mind at the time.. Did this girl have AIDS?? Jesus! Had I sipped out of any glasses back at her place??..
'Yes.. just tell me.. don't build this up, so you know.. big..'
'Ok.. I'm on medication..'
'Oh my god - IS IT AIDS!!', I heard myself blurt out..
'No! why would you think that??'
'Because you're all serious, and speaking in low tones, and you say you're on medication!!'..
I was beginning to have a panic attack… They had started earlier in the semester, when I smoked 11 bong hits of some stuff laced with mescalin.. and due to that experience, I would suffer from them for years to come..
They should make a t-shirt: '4 years of college and all I got were these lousy panic attacks'.. I'd buy one.
'Noo.. I'm on medication.. for my head.. I'm something called bi-polar.. I'm on lithium'
Well, I didn't know what the hell she was talking about really, but at least she didn't have AIDS.. I was relieved.
'oh.. well ok..'
Long story short, we dated for a couple months, but I eventually dumped her when she began to act increasingly erratic.. She would call my dorm room all the time in tears, claiming she heard people talking about her on the TV.. It got pretty scary. When I broke up with her outside of that figure drawing class, she grabbed my hand and bent it all the way back. She had me on my knees…
'You couldn't play bass anymore if I broke your hand could you??', she snarled..
The art teacher pulled her away from me, and she ran off screaming like a banshee.. I never saw her again – she dropped out of the class.
'Crazypants' was the first in a long line of girlfriends that had 'issues' so to speak.. Lately, I've begun to really try and examine this. I mean, what came first the chicken or the egg? Am I drawn to these women, or are they drawn to me? Or, is EVERYONE crazy? I'm not sure.. I know I'm not crazy. Neurotic yes, anxiety ridden certainly! But most assuredly not crazy…
I was never quite the same person after that relationship with 'crazypants'. I didn't see women as these idealized creatures anymore. They had been knocked off their pedestal. They were human.
Postscript –
Years later, I saw 'crazypants' walking around in my hometown with some old guy hobbling along with a cane, holding onto her arm for dear life.. I felt strangely heartened, obviously they'd made it work..
Lacey Chabert.. that annoying kid on party of 5... She's a McCain supporter, but she has nice cans..
used to be cool - zeitgeisty on MTV
hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file
translations...
blogger doodles 3
the gardener and the rose
We fart therefore we are
TRANSLATIONS
Blogger doodles 2
My most cringeworthy moments with women
Are you a sociopath part 2
Are you a sociopath part 1
translations...
blogger doodles
The worst sex of my life
The sex and the city movie was lame
commitment phobia is a myth
Translations...
TYPES
Do.. do women really suck in bed?
The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality
50 sexual expereiences I've never had
Dating COnfessions translations
I'm a breast man... the JUGS file
John McCain makes my peepee go limp
Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.
My dating confessions TRANSLATIONS
My internet dating advice
What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women
All Porn SUCKS!!
The night PAULINA and I discussed sex
How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?
Hooksexup Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!
Sex with someone I love - The MASTURBATION file
The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file
'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file
BITE ME! - Snark.
My first kiss...a remembrance of thing past
Feel the paste in you face - The FACIAL file
Talk dirty to me!!
I abstain! The fear to fuck
The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.
BITE ME!!!
Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file
The brass ring