My solution is kind of easy. Have an open relationship. My husband has had sex with quite a number of my friends over the years. In general, I do consider it a kind of showing off--I think he's gorgeous and great in bed, and it's kind of cool to have my friends agree, and get in on the fun. Kind of like when you discover a new sushi place or an amazing new lipstick and you want all your friends to try it. As for my boyfriend, I haven't really tried to set him up with friends yet, but we've only been together a year and a half (vs. over 20 years with my husband), plus he's much younger than me and most of my friends are my age and not really interested in a 20-something hottie on the side. I'm sure I'll find myself facilitating some sort of hook-up for him, it's what we do here in my social circle. (Side note--my husband introduced me to the boyfriend I dated off and on for about 10 years. He just knew we'd like each other, and was secure enough to make that introduction. Bless his heart.)

I once had what I like to call a 'friend out of necessity' (you tend to have those when you move around alot), I had just moved to France and my boyfriend was here visiting me from California. One night when we were about to go out to dinner, she dropped by my place complaining of a really bad back spasm (she was all hunched over and dramatic). anyway, she said she wanted to take a bath to try and soothe it (I had a bathtub - a luxery for french students. he was pretty hungry and said he wanted to go buy some take out and bring it back and she insisted I go instead in case something happens while shes in the tub and needs a big strong man to lift her out and carry her to the hospital. needless to say, I ended up sending him out regardless of the lady's wishes. a few days later he complained that she made him really uncomfortable. she was always touching him and would even do this thing he called 'making yeast'. which is when a skanky girl rubs her legs together to try and seem seductive. she is the ONLY one of my friends who ever tried pulling that with me, and I can honestly say I have never hit on a friend's boyfriend (I dont find them attractive and they belong to someone else). I later found out that she was probably doing it because she wanted me to herself - in other words her competition was my californian boyfriend, and she was trying to break us up. Zeitgeisty, I really think the 'girls are always in competition theory' only applies to high school.

Well, I've flirted in a mostly friendly but nevertheless shameless manner with friends of guys I've dated.

I guess part of it is the whole theory of trying to create competition -that the person you're dating will want you more if they think you're valued in others' eyes, and then they'll work harder to impress you.

Part of it is damage control -if we're not a couple, and I'm not sure there's long-term potential, I want to spread the fun around and continue meeting new people.

I'm not sure if it's ever caused me major problems -the guys didn't speak up, if they were bothered by.

Ananthema, there's something inherently strange to me about open relationships. I know I'm pretty jealous by nature, but it seems to me that if you love someone then you'd want them to yourself and for you to be the person that makes them happy. I can't even identify with any part of it, it just seems unhealthy to me. I'm not trying to insult you at all but I just dont get it.

Perhaps this could count as a reader suggestion for Zeitgeisty's posts. Open relationships?

...I'm with Airhead, I don't compete with my girlfriends. They don't hit on my boyfriend, and I don't hit on theirs. We wouldn't be friends in that case.

Why do you date exactly?

Yeah.. I'm a pretty insecure person and tend to attract insecure friends. With one girl this causes competition because we are just so similar.

She has flirted with men I'm interested in/dating and I stopped seeing her as often. Recently she's started dating a really attractive man who I found pretty conversational and yeah I was kind of flirting a little bit. I think, disgusting as it is, its a validation thing. If he flirts back, confidence boost, if he doesn't well.. he's just a sucky person and not the type to suit me anyway and that sort of removes the competition aspect. Makes me feel better that I haven't lost out on something that could have been good for me.

:P. I am a lame lame person.

oh, for the record, he flirted back, i told my friend ALL of the above, she gave me a hug and dumped his ass. Ah progress.

Flirtation is most unconsciously done, when smart attractive sexual individuals interact (secure/insecure, doesn't really matter)- I am personally totally not interested in having a romance with someone else's boyfriend, and this is a personal choice, but I wouldn't dare judging others for wanting/doing it. Plus, flirtation involves two (right?) and it can be fun and somehow rewarding for both parts...I like to see it as an exchange.

I had a girlfriend who flirted with a former lover of mine but I never took it as a threat or offence and our friendship remained the same - and they didn't start any affair anyway.

Maybe where true attraction occurs, any sort of moralistic arguments are kind of useless.

Plus, I find jealousy so repulsive and diminishing the aura of spiritual elegance I am fond of, that I really don't care at all if anyone hits on my lover or whether he flirts with others. As long as I am adored (here I go with you AHG) and I adore, nothing else matters. ;)  

And oh, Zeit, funny how you seem to regret not having taken your "slice of happiness" due to what you call, a "conventional moral yoke" and simultaneously, you name Toluca imature for actually doing the same thing! Isn't this a contradiction? :-)

I get your point now, sounds fair enough ;), no attack furthermore. It didn't seem to me Toluca was trying to annoy on purpose, her explanation however indicates an insecure behaviour, but hey, that's human, no big deal about it.

Also I said I did it with guys I was dating and with whom there was no long-term commitment, I didn't say "boyfriend"... (although admittedly, I often seem a little confused on how to make it from point A to point B and when I should have expected to cross that line).  Also, is it really "drama" if he never reacts to it, at least not in a way that I'm aware of?  

It's an interesting question...

"I’ve never enjoyed hanging out with the friends of girlfriends, either you’re just thinking of fucking them, or you’re bored out of your skull – there’s rarely any middle ground there."

True. But isn't this basically so with any girl?

My fellow lovingly lies about not wanting other women and when pressed to pick pretty actresses, he settles on 60s starlets that resemble me in some way ("She's cute because she has your nose.")  When you write about such topics, does your girlfriend feel sad after reading your entries or have I misread the tone and she would just need to punch your shoulder and call you a big lug?  If my man even intimated that he wanted to "bang" my friends, I would ditch him (after introducing him to the ones with herpes).  

I have kind of come to the conclusion that poly-ness (I hate hate hate the term "polyamory, it's just dorky, but it seems to be what the kids are calling it these days) is sort of a sexual orientation. Possibly not as dramatically so as being gay or bi of pervy, but still. Some folks are, some folks aren't, and no amount of reading Robert Heinlein or listening to Dan Savage's podcasts will make someone poly if they weren't born with that kink. I do toe to poly party line in terms of the belief that loving one person doesn't diminish your ability to love another. I have two sisters, and I love them both. My parents had three kids, and they loved us all. I have about 20 favorite meals, and god knows how many favorite pairs of shoes. I have several "best friends," and would be loath to choose just one to hang out with for the rest of my life, because being friends with Niki means I'm taking away my friendly love from Lucie. Loving something or someone doesn't mean you own it. You just love it. And you can love other things without damaging the love for that first one. My love of sushi doesn't make me love pizza any less. Am I comparing a life partner to pizza? Hey, they've been compared to worse . . . sometimes by me . . .

This made me smile. From each according to his ability to each according to his need. Yep, sounds like communism . . . and my sex life. I am Russian, so maybe there's something there. (and yes, I do have a five-year plan. I don't think Stalin would have liked it very much.)

Zeit, most girls adhere to a code of friendship where they won't touch each others' leftovers. If they do, it's usually the end of the friendship. So unless it's just a shallow acquaintance of your lady's that you covet, you're probably setting yourself up for yet another disappointment.

Zeitgiesty, you seem to have a shallow kind of life, that doesn't sound very happy or genuine.  Get some better friends and a better attitude.

Just to echo what others have said, this post does not describe the behavior of quality people.  Friends do not flirt with their friends' boyfriends or girlfriends.  A guy who is only capable of being bored or imagining sex with his girlfriend's friends either has some problems of his own or has a really lame girlfriend.