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Sex Machine: The different kinds of VAGINAS.. plus throbbage

Posted by zeitgeisty

 

 

As there’s been a lot of discussion around here on the varying styles of penii happily  swingin’ around out there -  I thought I’d spend a bit of time talkin’ about the many different types of vaginas I’ve encountered and give a personal accounting of which particular incarnations are my favorite, and which kind I wouldn’t go near with another man’s prick.

The first vagina I ever saw up close was owned by a 15 year old goth chick with a penchant for depression. She had a fairly rough home life, but she was also a natural drama queen. Her snatch was pretty dramatic as well, as it was prone to a heady bouquet of limburger enriched with a soupcon of ‘essence de hippo shit’. Moreover, it wasn’t very pretty. It was what I like to refer to as:

“The GASH” 

This is a type I’ve encountered only rarely. The clitoris, and labia are relatively non-distinct – if somewhat flabby - , however the coloring is scarlet flush like a baboon in heat. This gives a distinct ‘gash’ like appearance, especially if coupled with a bramble-y bush.

I’d have to say, this is not one of my favorites.  

I like my pussy to have a bit more distinction. For instance, a nice prominent clitoris is always a plus. If you couple that with a perky set of pink, firm, trim and fresh smelling labia you’ve got a winner. I like to call this type:

“the Barbara Stanwyck” 

Why the ‘Barbara Stanwyck’ you ask? It’s simple..I love Barbara Stanwyck! She was a sexy little firebrand with a prominent nose, and a snappy demeanor. I like my snatch snappy, with a nice clit. I don’t like a floppy pussy, you know the kind that feels like when you go down on it, it’s like eating a bowl of flat noodles in gravy. This floppy mess I like to call…

“The Wo-Hop special” 

You see, Wo-Hop is an institution in Chinatown which specializes in a dish called Chow-fun. For those of you that aren’t familiar with the dish, it’s broad flat noodles in brown sauce. Women with oversized labia and smallish clitorii are in this category. In my experiences, I’ve really only come across a few that have been truly ‘over-sized’. You see, I’m pretty open minded, ‘largish’ meat flaps are totally fine, it’s just when they’re completely unruly that it gets to be a bit much. I mean, when you need to tuck in your vadge, it’s a bit unsettling.

Pubic hair, pubic hair, pubic hair, pubic hair!!!...

...I am in favor of pubic hair - plentiful, bushy, tufty,  bountiful forests of wool. Naked slits look pre-pubescent to me. All this talk about men loving shaved pussy is HIGHLY overstated. Most men I know enjoy BUSH. Women are the ones that are the shaving demons. Personally, I’m against shaving in all areas!.. pits, pussy, asshole.. let it all be covered in the glorious underbrush I say.

Now, let me take a small moment to acknowledge that with different ethnicity comes different looking vagina. Asian pussy hair is long and silky, and African American snatch is nice and furry. However, although their coloring and hairstyle may be different, they still all come in these Universal ‘types’..

Gash, Barbara Stanwyck, wo-hop and…

“The rubiks cube”… 

These are the oddballs, the ones with the tilted pelvis, the ones that are 3 sizes too small.. generally the ones that are nearly impossible to enter unless you’ve got the right formula. I once finger - banged a girl with a rubik’s cube, and nearly broke my hand.. these types are dangerous. However, if you’ve got the right key, any lock is penetrable. Now, the direct opposite to the rubiks cube is..

 “Pillow pussy”. 

I actually kind of like this kind. It’s akin to sliding your shlong into a bag of cotton balls. There’s not too much in the way of friction or resistance, but it’s so nice and soft. Usually these pussies are chubby, attached to a chubby gal, however a lot of the time attached to that chubby gal are some nice chubby tits, so it’s all about trade-offs. Personally for a nice pair of chubby tits, I’ll pretty much let everything else slide. 

Finally, the last type of pussy I’ll discuss – and then I’ll open the floor for discussion, as I’m sure you all will have a LOT to say to me – is…

‘The outer space special’ 

This is the kind that’s so big and wide, it’s like throwing a hot dog down a hallway. It makes your cock feel like an astronaut. In a way it’s kinda cool, having your meat Magellan down there exploring such a VAST unknown world, but it kinda makes you feel lonely too… like a dinghy on an ocean… or more to the point like your ‘dingy’ is  IN an ocean!!

So there you have it, a pretty cursory run through of the many styles of hair-pie slushing around town. I must say, there haven’t been many I’ve truly disliked over the years. They’re all quite lovely and agreeable in their own way.

 Especially when they agree to let me inside!



 

jamie lee curtis..

 

 

 

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Comments

airheadgenius said:

I read this title off the control panel and so could only see "The different kinds of VA". Oh no you d'nt, thought I, but I am so glad you did! I've only ever encountered my own (which I am pretty sure is a Barbara, but I've got a couple emails out to confirm) so this has been very informative.

As for Jamie Lee, she has a perfect woman's body and a man's face. Always confused the hell outta me.

November 18, 2008 2:54 PM

zeitgeisty said:

makes sense as rumor has it she was born an hermaphrodite... I always had the cutes for her though..

November 18, 2008 2:56 PM

airheadgenius said:

Haha. That was almost funny. Rumour has it that you were born an arsehole - no, wait a minute, that one's been confirmed.

November 18, 2008 3:02 PM

zeitgeisty said:

I actually was being serious!

urbanlegends.about.com/.../jamieleecurtis.htm

It's a well known rumor..

November 18, 2008 3:08 PM

airheadgenius said:

Oh Lordy, does that mean I owe you an apology?? I think I am gonna hurl...

November 18, 2008 3:12 PM

zeitgeisty said:

yes... yes it does.

...I'm waiting....

November 18, 2008 3:14 PM

airheadgenius said:

I'm...I'mm...s.s...s...bwarghhh rwwwlllllffff

Nah, can't do it.

November 18, 2008 3:17 PM

vix_en25 said:

I love the 80's leotard complete with cool leggings! shes so hot... I wonder what kind of pussy she has.

November 18, 2008 3:34 PM

vix_en25 said:

by the way, is it possible to have a hybrid of two types?

November 18, 2008 3:37 PM

Thea said:

Apparently a sexually ambiguous one.

November 18, 2008 3:40 PM

zeitgeisty said:

By the way everyone.. feel free to tell the world which type you are!!

November 18, 2008 3:44 PM

Toluca_86 said:

So I know I've mentioned it on here before, but medically, scientifically, if a vag feels so tight it's difficult to enter with a penis or finger, it's nearly always because the woman is not aroused, NOT because her vagina is actually small.

And I don't think Jamie Lee Curtis has a man's face.  But as previously mentioned, I come from a stock of people with long faces and prominent bone structure...

November 18, 2008 4:35 PM

zeitgeisty said:

That's actually not always the case.... There are things like tilted pelvis, and infantile genitalia... and just very small women...

November 18, 2008 4:43 PM

vix_en25 said:

and women with vaginismus who tighten up their vaginas

November 18, 2008 4:52 PM

zeitgeisty said:

yeah that too.. !

November 18, 2008 4:54 PM

loobetchka said:

God, Toluca must be SOME dog.

November 18, 2008 5:30 PM

Toluca_86 said:

Well that depends entirely on personal preference, loobetchka.  But god you must be some asshole.  I'm not wanting to sleep with you so what do you care what I look like?

"That's actually not always the case...."

I didn't say it was always the case.  I said it's "nearly always."  At least based on the studies I've heard of.

November 18, 2008 8:41 PM

Toluca_86 said:

Actually, I was having a conversation with someone recently about this whole classifying of "feminine" vs. "masculine" facial characteristics.  We've noticed that in families where the women are considered very conventionally attractive, often times the men are not, and vice versa.  And this is true of even more general populations.  For example, the western world has long considered Italian men sexy, whereas I've heard a lot of men say they think Italian women are too manly looking.

This to me points to these notions of what constitutes a "masculine" vs. a "feminine" face being more a matter of social construction than biological reality, and one historically very steeped in certain racial ideals, at that.

But really, the main reason I will not post a picture is not a fear of being judged.

So you know loobetchka, were you to find me more feminine and attractive than Jamie Lee Curtis, it would not stop me from defending women against stupid judgments.  It's one thing to say you're not attracted to another person.  It's another thing entirely to claim they're empirically unattractive and therefore not truly a "man" or a "woman" or whatever it is they claim to be -the latter to me seems to reflect some sort of deep-seated fear on the part of the judger, more than anything...

November 18, 2008 8:54 PM

Blueruin. said:

Unfortunately for me, the first time I had sex it was with a girl with a perfect vagina that was a perfect fit for me personally. I slid right in there comfortably, not too tight and not too loose. Also, just enough clitoris so that it wasnt an embarrassing challenge for me to find it in the dark using just my tongue. And perfectly sized 'meat flaps' as you put it. Just enough hair too, trimmed in all the right places.

The problem is that I've never encountered that since. I haven't seen a nicer one in real life or in porn.

November 18, 2008 10:27 PM

zeitgeisty said:

vix  - most snatches are combos of these types.. Every once in a while you get a 'purebred pussy'...

Blue - yeah... what you've encountered is what I call the 'perfect poon'... You'll just have to settle for second best from now on...

November 18, 2008 11:12 PM

zeitgeisty said:

toluca - WHat's the main reason you won't post a picture? It seems to me you're very caught up in what does and doesn't constitute beauty, and are especially concerned about your own looks... Post a photo and get all that validation you desire, I'm sure everyone here will say nice things!..

November 19, 2008 10:08 AM

vix_en25 said:

or better yet, post a pic of your vagina and have everyone say which category of vag your's falls into!

November 19, 2008 11:20 AM

Toluca_86 said:

Honestly?  I won't put up a picture just because I don't want to be recognized, and also, I've had stalkers before, which is just no fun.  So I become more cautious with things like personal information and pictures.  Maybe one of these times I get insulted it will prompt me to though.

You're right though, about me being kind of caught up in this not judging people based on looks stuff.  The reason why, honestly, is because as a kid I was harassed a whole ton, and as a teenager I developed an eating disorder (which I've now gotten over), let someone semi-abuse me because I was simply so surprised and pleased that ANYONE would find me attractive, etc., and I've seen similar things or worse happen to friends who were very insecure about the way they looked.  I also have younger sisters who I see going through similar struggles.  When I see women being criticized for something they have no control over, as though it's everybody else's business or duty to reprimand them, it makes my heart bleed, frankly.  And that's as hippy-dippy as I'll get...

November 19, 2008 7:57 PM

zeitgeisty said:

I think we;ve made a break-through here... Of course most everyone here has a similar past.. I don't think this place is a refuge for ex-homecoming kings and queens!!...

I'm totally curious to see what you look like..! My girlfriend, and a bunch of my friends are all intrigued as well!!!

November 19, 2008 8:43 PM

Toluca_86 said:

"My girlfriend, and a bunch of my friends are all intrigued as well"

Hah.  I don't know whether I should be proud or creeped out to have garnered so much attention...

November 19, 2008 10:36 PM

Dave_1973 said:

What's the name for the kind where the lips are (or seem) slightly curled in, so they drag themselves down the shaft as if to say "no, please don't leave" on the outstroke, then  welcome you back in, to what feels like a warm, tight (but not too tight) glove?

Damn I miss her.

November 20, 2008 12:39 PM

zeitgeisty said:

This seems like a variation on the Wo-hop... perhaps a combo of the stanwyck and the wo-hop...!

November 20, 2008 1:12 PM

Dave_1973 said:

I think you're right, definitely Stanwyk on the outside, with maybe an 'internal Wo-hop' thing going on.  Maybe some kind of mutation representing an evolutionary leap forward in the area of female sexual organs (homo sapien labia minoris internalis?).

November 20, 2008 3:24 PM

zeitgeisty said:

The stanwyck/wo-hop is a good combo!

November 20, 2008 3:31 PM

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