For those of you that haven't caught on yet, I was a bit of a geek in High School. Strike that – ringing affirmative I was a complete and total geek. Not a nerd mind you - as nerds actually did well in math and shit like that - no I was a geek.
My teenage years were very similar to the first half of the Karate Kid, except, with no karate, Elizabeth Shue or Mr. Miyagi . Ahh, Screw that bad analogy.. I guess I was kind of like a less cool Anthony Michael Hall from 16 candles, the untucked dress shirt, the untied reebok hi-tops, you know – King of the dipshits. Women to me were these unreachable, unknowable objects that kind of floated around way out there into the furthest far flung corners of my galaxy. They were like black holes – If you'll pardon the pun.
Anyway, as my socialization skills were pretty retarded, and since the crowd I hung out with was completely devoid of anything remotely female, you may ask, what was a poor adolescent geek raging with hormones to do as far as any kind of 'release' was concerned?
Well, I played on my Apple IIe a lot. I traded a ton of floppy disks with my fellow loser friends. Watched a lot of Woody Woodpecker after school, followed by the Brady Bunch, then Carol Burnett, then MASH.. ah… well you get the point.. Once in a while they'd have Planet of the Apes week for the ABC 4:30 movie, that would make me happy. Aside from that, there really wasn't a whole hell of a lot of 'release'.
Recently I was having a discussion about my teenage years with a colleague at work (another former geek). We reminisced about the BASIC days pre-internet. Back then information was shared through passing floppy disks back and forth through an extremely intricate and complex geek network. Most of this 'information' came in the form of games. How it worked, was one alpha geek would buy a game (or steal it) from a store like 'electronics boutique', then he would hack into it, break through the security, copy it and pass it around. He would then place his handle triumphantly at the beginning of the game and gain notoriety throughout the geek universe. These cracked games would make their way clear across the country.
Quick aside, to just give you a bit of a briefing on the floppy disk thing (for some of you younger readers, and non-geeks), before the cd-rom, there was the 3 inch disk, and before that there was the 5 ¼ floppy disk.
The other day, I got to thinking about this one 'game' called French Postcards which got passed around a lot. To tell the truth, it wasn't actually a 'game' per se, it was basically these pornographic lo–res cartoons very simply animated by superimposing one image on top of another, and flipping back and forth. They had a bunch of different ones, one involving a girl with a salami, a farmer's daughter, a lascivious long tongued Frenchman in a beret, etc... The thing is, I realize now that the purpose of this game must've been onanistic.
It's funny to think about that now, because at the time we just thought it was HILARIOUS!! I can still remember a bunch of us losers crowded around the monochrome monitor watching this stuff and just howling with laughter. The images were just so completely ridiculous, and empirically humorous. In no way, shape or form could they possibly be 'usable' in a sexual regard. Still, looking back on it I'm sure that was the intent. This gets me wondering, just who was using these images auto-erotically? God, I shudder to think.
During the summer of my 15th year, I went on a crash diet. I ate one bowl of cereal a day, and 10 speeded all over the county 'til my legs became like 2 bars of iron! By the time I went back to school in the fall, I was 60 pounds lighter and 7 inches taller. Soon I'd be driving, and my obsession with the Apple IIe would dissolve in to the coffee cup of my past like so much granulated sugar.
before
after
Eventually, my parents would get a VCR… …and with that, my entry into the world of REAL porn would begin.. in earnest…but that's a whole 'nother story… altogether.
Chorus: "THAT'S A WHOLE 'NOTHER STORY!"
Anyway, whenever I look back on those days, the phrase 'youth is wasted on the young' clangs in my head like Chuck Barris' gong, filling me with this horrible, insistent and relentless nausea. God, was I a moron. If only I hadn't been so terminally clueless about so many things. All these empty and meaningless ways I came up with in order to pass time 'til I got older. What a waste, but what are you gonna do? I suppose watching Planet of the Apes a lot, and laughing over cartoon porn is kind of quaint in a way, if not utterly pathetic.
Makes you wonder about kids today though, and what they're up to. All that myspacing and facebooking.. Fuck, these kids aren't just thinking about sex, or talking about it, they're HAVING it!... and not only are they having sex, but they're probably having sophisticated, bonafide GREAT sex! I mean, they have the internet.. It's all out there!!! the mind boggles!! Jesus…What did I have?
French Postcards…
Samantha Morton - reprise!
My myspace - - https://www.myspace.com/10separatecatch22s
My Facebook - Zeit Geisty
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1632432989&ref=name
Rate THEIR pick-up lines
Older babe alert
blogger doodles
Obligatory posting on cyber-sex
the importance of finding true sexual compatibility
Will you just take my penis in your hand already?
Snark and ass
blogger doodles
5 things I'm thankful for
licking ass and taking names
Snarky and assinine responses
Blogger doodles
The Origins of my cold, black heart
relationship dealbreakers
The different kinds of vaginas
bloggerdoodles
Snarky dating confessions responses
Blogger doodles
I wanna bang your friend
Show me your jugs
translations
Blogger doodles
Is there an expiration date on passion?
translations
bloggerdoodles
crazy pants
used to be cool - zeitgeisty on MTV
hurting for a squirting - the female ejaculation file
translations...
blogger doodles 3
the gardener and the rose
We fart therefore we are
TRANSLATIONS
Blogger doodles 2
My most cringeworthy moments with women
Are you a sociopath part 2
Are you a sociopath part 1
translations...
blogger doodles
The worst sex of my life
The sex and the city movie was lame
commitment phobia is a myth
Translations...
TYPES
Do.. do women really suck in bed?
The odd disconnect between profile photos and reality
50 sexual expereiences I've never had
Dating COnfessions translations
I'm a breast man... the JUGS file
John McCain makes my peepee go limp
Video blog - 'The word on the steet' - the nature of attraction.
My dating confessions TRANSLATIONS
My internet dating advice
What we want vs. What we need and the power balance between man and women
All Porn SUCKS!!
The night PAULINA and I discussed sex
How important are someone's politics when choosing a patrner?
Hooksexup Confessions: It's all about the looks stupid!
Sex with someone I love - The MASTURBATION file
The Greatest Online Dating story - The PERSONALS file
'But baby I HAVE to put a profile up, it's required!!' - The GIRLFRIEND file
BITE ME! - Snark.
My first kiss...a remembrance of thing past
Feel the paste in you face - The FACIAL file
Talk dirty to me!!
I abstain! The fear to fuck
The unvarnished TRUTH about dating on the internet.
BITE ME!!!
Pontifications on the bangin' of ass - The ANAL file
The brass ring